Feels like I'm so close.

[BitterlyAlive]

This isn't another one of my posts panicking because I have urges to do something impulsive.

I've been feeling worse and worse as this month has gone on. Depression has really been fucking me up. I'm getting more exhausted, dysphoric. I feel like I'm on the verge of finally giving up and letting it have its way with me.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday about when my next appointment would be. We're going a few weeks out. As I was writing down the date of the appointment, I had the strongest feeling that I won't be around for it.

Usually I think things like "Man, I hope I'm dead by that date", but this...this was different. This feels like when I was planning my suicide earlier this year. It has the same sense of calm and finality.

I had a fight with my dad again this morning, both of my parents have really gotten on my nerves today, but I still love them. Yet imagining their reaction to my death isn't really holding me back. It's more like "Yeah, it'll suck, but I'm tired of suffering and they'll eventually move on"

I can't think of anything that's triggered this. It's just been building up. I'm not going to do anything impulsive, and should I get to that point... I'll let you guys know.

For now I need to focus on not being hospitalized. I think my mom is growing suspicious, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow that could take a nasty turn if I'm not careful. I'm starting to worry that people are sniffing it on me already.

 

[Ghost2211]

Oh no, maybe lay low for a bit if there are eyes on you. It would be awful to get locked up. I'm sorry to hear your struggling, and I know what you mean by it building up. I'm going to miss you when you go, but i do hope you find the relief you desire.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Oh no, maybe lay low for a bit if there are eyes on you. It would be awful to get locked up. I'm sorry to hear your struggling, and I know what you mean by it building up. I'm going to miss you when you go, but i do hope you find the relief you desire.

I'm moving my SN to a more discreet place, just in case. And hey, this could just be a passing feeling. It just doesn't feel like it at all.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm moving my SN to a more discreet place, just in case. And hey, this could just be a passing feeling. It just doesn't feel like it at all.

Smart move, and I guess we will wait and see.

 

[http-410]

I really wish I could help you. Hope the appointment goes well for you.

Do you think you can trust the therapist? Could you tell them that you need a closer appointment or do you think they will also become suspicious?

 

[Stick]

I'll miss your posts
Maybe this peace wasn't really triggered by anything, but rather you've finally gone through all the mental loops you needed too? Either way, good luck. You deserve to be free from your pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

If you go, I hope you find peace, life is painful

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I really wish I could help you. Hope the appointment goes well for you.

Do you think you can trust the therapist? Could you tell them that you need a closer appointment or do you think they will also become suspicious?

We'll see what happens tomorrow. I actually asked for a few weeks between my last appointment and the next appointment - I have extensive and challenging homework to do.

Tbh I don't think I would ask for a closer appointment anyway. I don't want people to be suspicious or try to help. There's like one exception right now. I want to just live out this feeling, see if it truly is the end, and if so... then I hope I can finally kill myself in peace.

I'll miss your posts
Maybe this peace wasn't really triggered by anything, but rather you've finally gone through all the mental loops you needed too? Either way, good luck. You deserve to be free from your pain.

There's still a few things I'm worried about but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Even with my financial issues... I think that'll sort itself out and I should have my desired amount in savings by the time I can make an actual decision on this.

Thanks, mate.

If you go, I hope you find peace, life is painful

Thanks, mate. Yes it sure is. At least through all this shit I've found some sort of meaning/purpose.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry to hear life has pushed you to this point. whatever happens to you, i wish you the best.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

i'm sorry to hear life has pushed you to this point. whatever happens to you, i wish you the best.

Thanks, mate. I really don't know if anything's pushed me, or if things are settling down to this.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry you're in pain and suffering. Whatever you decide to do in the end, we will support you

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm sorry you're in pain and suffering. Whatever you decide to do in the end, we will support you

Thanks. I'm beyond grateful for this site, these people. You all have been a big help this year.

 

[BipolarGuy]

This isn't another one of my posts panicking because I have urges to do something impulsive.

I've been feeling worse and worse as this month has gone on. Depression has really been fucking me up. I'm getting more exhausted, dysphoric. I feel like I'm on the verge of finally giving up and letting it have its way with me.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday about when my next appointment would be. We're going a few weeks out. As I was writing down the date of the appointment, I had the strongest feeling that I won't be around for it.

Usually I think things like "Man, I hope I'm dead by that date", but this...this was different. This feels like when I was planning my suicide earlier this year. It has the same sense of calm and finality.

I had a fight with my dad again this morning, both of my parents have really gotten on my nerves today, but I still love them. Yet imagining their reaction to my death isn't really holding me back. It's more like "Yeah, it'll suck, but I'm tired of suffering and they'll eventually move on"

I can't think of anything that's triggered this. It's just been building up. I'm not going to do anything impulsive, and should I get to that point... I'll let you guys know.

For now I need to focus on not being hospitalized. I think my mom is growing suspicious, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow that could take a nasty turn if I'm not careful. I'm starting to worry that people are sniffing it on me already.

Hey man, I'm sorry you're feeling really low.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Hey man, I'm sorry you're feeling really low.

Funny, I'm actually feeling incredibly calm right now. My body says otherwise cause anxiety is a bitch, but...emotionally I'm just like "Hmm. So this is where we're at. Cool."

 

[http-410]

How was the appointment?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

How was the appointment?

Thanks for asking... I was having connection issues, I never even got to talk to the psychiatrist. We rescheduled it a month out. Just another weight off my shoulders tbh.

 

[Meditation guide]

I can't think of anything that's triggered this. It's just been building up.

Is there any place your could go for a few days for a change of scenery? I hope that's not a painful question because if you are like me you are basically trapped.

If I could just get away some place for a little vacation it would make a big difference but with the pandemic and my bad health it's not possible.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Is there any place your could go for a few days for a change of scenery? I hope that's not a painful question because if you are like me you are basically trapped.

If I could just get away some place for a little vacation it would make a big difference but with the pandemic and my bad health it's not possible.

It's not painful, just complicated. I could go on a mini vacation, but I'm bringing my SN and other materials with me. If I'm going to have my desired amount in savings, then I can only afford one vacation. It's gonna have to be the one I die on.

Sorry, I'm being such a negative ass when you're just trying to help.

 

[Lmd]

Could it be the lack of feelings? (i dont know how to say it in english not my main language sorry) When You only feel bad things and now you are even bored of being sad because its always the same. Nothing changes, looks like you are in a loop where there are things that are ok but you dont enjoy at all so in the best scenario its a "meh"? Im trying to understand im sorry

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Could it be the lack of feelings? (i dont know how to say it in english not my main language sorry) When You only feel bad things and now you are even bored of being sad because its always the same. Nothing changes, looks like you are in a loop where there are things that are ok but you dont enjoy at all so in the best scenario its a "meh"? Im trying to understand im sorry

What you're describing sounds like burn-out. I guess that could be the case, but I don't think I have anything to feel burned out about. Hmm.

No need to apologize, it's confusing.

 

[rt1989526]

I am also getting closer. Each day is just absolute misery and I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I am a shell of a human and I desperately want to be gone.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I am also getting closer. Each day is just absolute misery and I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I am a shell of a human and I desperately want to be gone.

That's pretty much how I feel too. Plus I feel like I'm getting more and more trapped. Hopeless. Suicide seems to be the only way out of this shit.