Feels like i'm in the final stretch of my life

[Fragile]

Not a goodbye thread... just yet.

i don't see myself living this life for much longer, i've endured so much because of love, or rather, fear of hurting the ones i love.
but i can't continue to live for others. every single day is filled with anxiety, pain from my multiple health issues, fear for the future, and self hatred, so much that i can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.

Nothing helps, and i've tried for so long to actually improve my quality of life, only because i wanted to put a smile for others. i've tried therapy, expensive psychiatrists, voluntary psychiatric hospitalizations and good doctors, but they only gave me harmful drugs or shitty advice that would probably work for normal people, but not for me. 10 years of that, i'm ready to give up.

the only thing that i achieved was to make others very attached and close to me, my family will be crushed if i die, even some internet friends told me that they will fall into deep depression if i kill myself, why the fuck do i have that effect on people? being kind was the biggest mistake of my life.

Now i realize that i never feared death, really, i never did. what truly terrifies me is having to continue this unbearable existence, failing to kill myself, and the suffering of others. that's why i lived in such a calm state of mind when i was passively suicidal some years ago, just binge drinking, never eating and indulging in other stuff, i promised myself that i would never touch the bottle again... but now i'm half a bottle of wine deep while writing this post.

i'm already a burden on my family, and it's my fault for not having the courage to actually ctb sooner, the damage is already done and the only thing that i can do now is end it before it's too late.

thanks for reading, now i'm going to pass out on benzos and wine in hopes of drowning my sorrows, one night at the time until the day when i don't wake up.

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey. I'm sorry to hear about your pain.

You're right. You shouldn't simply live for others. If you live,it should be because you want to in general. Not just out of guilt.


I know what you mean about others mourning you. I sometimes feel the same way and wish my family would forget me. You don't want them to suffer when you're gone,but because you were so close and kind to them,it'd be hard for them to not miss you. But hey,think of it this way..you brightened their lives by being who you are. I bet if you asked any one of them,they'd rather have known you even if you end your life,rather than to have never known you at all.


There's nothing I can say to make your pain go away. But I'm here if you need to talk. I dont know for sure if you're still here since you may have overdosed. But feel free to respond if you see this message.


I wish you the best.

 

[voyager]

I'm sorry you're in such a dark state.

Feel the same way. I too gave up drinking, apart from maybe a glass of wine per year. Drank so much that my body couldn't cope any longer. Got away with it. But drinking allowed me to get in contact with what remained of my feelings, and now I don't have any comfort anymore. I mean, it's good. It was only tinkering at the symptoms.

I too am worried about my family. Don't know how much fight I have left in me. Actually, I do. None. Couldn't feel my right hand the other day, and my arms feel odd atm, think it's some neurological or heart issue, and it scares me shitless.

Kindness can indeed be an undoing at times, people become attached, while oneself is in such a mess and really just wants to go. Always wanted to do the right thing, but can't anymore.

Totally agree on unbearable existence. To me life was always good and bad, now unable to obtain good it's neither, just meaningless. The thought of having to continue in this state saddens me. I mean, it would eventually end, we all die. But yes, prolonged misery against one's will is indeed terrifying. At least it isn't eternal, or so we presume.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Fragile and @voyager too, I'm so very sorry

 

[voyager]

@Fragile and @voyager too, I'm so very sorry

Appreciated, my friend, Colon. Hehe. They even want me to go back there mid April. Couldn't care less.

How are you holding up?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Appreciated, my friend, Colon. Hehe. They even want me to go back there mid April. Couldn't care less.

How are you holding up?

Hahaha Colon, don't you dare start calling me that

My pattern is: doing worse, fighting harder

 

[voyager]

Hahaha Colon, don't you dare start calling me that

My pattern is: doing worse, fighting harder

Mmh, sounds familiar. Hope you keep your strength and things get better for you.

 

[Fragile]

Thanks for the replies guys, still here, if only it was so easy to die with alcohol and benzos. only mildly hungover.

if only i could do this every hour of the day, just passing out and not having to feel this way, also being alive for my family. but i fear that my time is running and the day when i can no longer endure this is on the horizon.

 

[voyager]

Indeed, sleep is a favourite pastime, while one can. Have also made the same experience on the other issues, it just grinds away at one, no matter if one wants to or not. What Underscore mentioned, doing worse, fighting harder, for less or no reward, and it becomes a recipe for disaster.

For what it's worth, I don't think we deserved this. We try our best, but there comes a point when it feels out of one's hands.