Venting Feels irresponsible to bring new people into my life

[ForestGhost]

I am a hopelessly lonely person, but at this point I just don't even want to fix that. I am too much of an unmitigated disaster for interpersonal connections to provide much help for me. Even in the ideal case that I did make a close connection with someone (which is quite optimistic thinking in the first place, but I digress), it just feels like another person to hurt when I CTB. Hell, even without CTB my usual histrionic cycles are enough to cause grief to anyone vaguely close to me.

So there, this isolation is my last act of public service. You're welcome world.

 

[TheHolySword]

I feel the same way. I removed everyone from my life that I could. I destroyed friendships and a romance to save them from the pain. Now I'm alone. And this isolation is where I will stay until it is my time. I cannot bring myself to even attempt to make amends or to hang out/talk to the few people left in my life. If I'm going to CTB it is emotionally wrong to allow anyone to invest in me.

 

[Valhala]

I think you're absolutely right and it's nice that you have that level of empathy to think that way.

 

[Neowise]

I've has the same thought. I became friends with someone just this year and yesterday he told me that he once had a good friend hang himself. One of my first thoughts was "shit, he will have to go through this twice...".

 

[easypeasy]

I am a hopelessly lonely person, but at this point I just don't even want to fix that. I am too much of an unmitigated disaster for interpersonal connections to provide much help for me. Even in the ideal case that I did make a close connection with someone (which is quite optimistic thinking in the first place, but I digress), it just feels like another person to hurt when I CTB. Hell, even without CTB my usual histrionic cycles are enough to cause grief to anyone vaguely close to me.

So there, this isolation is my last act of public service. You're welcome world.

I can relate a lot. Very much how I think, too. Distancing myself from others right now feels much easier and less stressful on me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel the same. Even about being in contact with old friends. Part of me likes it but, another part of me hopes it will all just drift away again- it likely will.

That's one issue I have with 'recovery' and therapy. I imagine it actively encourages people to build strong support networks with people. But, if we don't ultimately change how we feel, they surely just become tethers. Morw people we don't want to hurt. It just feels like an emotional blackmail trap and I don't intend to stumble into it.

 

[curiouscvnt]

i also think this way, but then i think there's a bit of a rebellious(?) part of me that is opposed; why should suicidality (b/c specifically that is what compels me to think that i'm unsuitable for healthy, reliable human connection) be isolationist to mitigate harm to other people? Nothing in life is completely controllable or responsible; there's always an element of risk and sometimes that's even romanticized.
There's the argument that perhaps those people who i could cut off would still hurt just as much if i ctb, irrespective of me cutting them off. Whether i cut those people off or not, the way the world is (in social attitude toward suicide/right to die), there will be no really peaceful, completely empathetic suicide option for me. (The only way that this will happen is if somehow there is dramatically more empathy toward/for suicidal people, and that it becomes acceptable to end your own life as you choose, with access to least-painful, least-violent means, perhaps in the company of loved ones.)
What i do strive to do, even at cost to myself, is not have other people rely on me materially. After a certain point, i don't think i can completely control whether someone relies on me emotionally, and i recognize adults in this reality suffer emotional damage or traumas as a fact of life-- and so when i think about the suffering that people who know me might endure upon learning of me killing myself, i do feel bad, but i would like to think that i can strive to strike a balance between some guilt and actually being patronizing toward other conscious, grownass adults who have endured suffering before and will do so in the future. Attempting to live in isolation is maybe the last unacceptable existence for me--at least for now.

For those who've cut people off, do you feel as though you've deliberately 'destroyed' relationships (i'd imagine ending them in such a way that memory / perception of even what was joyful about it is obliterated for yourself and the other person--via betrayal of some sort, maybe) or rather more simply 'ended' them (that is, you communicated a lack of present desire to continue, but it doesn't necessarily tarnish the memories of the active relationship)?

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

And what if you died suddenly from a car accident or dropped down dead, would that be any different?

You can change your mind at any point with suicide. What I mentioned above, you can't.

Make connections if that's what you want to do. It doesn't mean you don't deserve to, just because suicide may be on the cards for your future. You don't know what the future will hold. It may help you to make some friends, who knows?

It's always good to have some form of connection with others, even if it's random chatting. This website is a great example of that, you can talk to others, and it's not always about suicide.

You don't need to isolate yourself completely. That'll only make you feel 10x worse (I am guilty of this so no judgement here, and it comes with mental illness).

It's worth remembering that anything can happen, so perhaps making a friend or two could be beneficial. You don't know the answer so it's worth a try at least? Then you can say you tried. Suicide is final and there's no coming back from that