Help Feeling unbearable mental anguish. Might do it tonight. Please talk me out of it.

[H0110W]

Guys, I feel incredibly bad and I have no one to talk to. I don't know why but ever since my gf dumped me I felt kinda ok and even motivated, but now 8 months later I feel so fucking bad it's unbearable. It all started a couple days ago out of nowhere, I've never felt so bad in my life as I feel right now. I can barely speak or move, I am paralyzed and I feel physical pain. I feel nothing but the want to die. I wish she would reach out to me but even then I know it won't work because I'm a worthless piece of shit, she hates me and she is right.
And why now, it has been 8 months, I felt good before but why now, I thought I had moved on, I bought a house and will move out in a few months, but I don't feel like it anymore, I just want to die, I feel no hope for the future at all, I am totally fucked.
I don't deserve a house, I'll turn it into a dump, I can't do anything right. I can't do anything at all, I'm totally worthless.
And even then, what's the point of owning a house, just to be alone. Just to sleep, eat, work, rinse and repeat forever.
I'm not fit for life, every time I thought it was going well I was faking it, I always feel this existential dread, even when I feel happy.

Is it because I'm heartbroken? Is it all in my mind? Am I being a bitch? I don't understand, I just want to die. I know it sounds like I'm being a bitch, boo hoo he's been dumped and now he's heartbroken, what a bitch, right? But I've been alone all my life, I've been a recluse, and it meant to much to me. I ruined everything, as usual, everything I touch turns to shit.

I have 99% SN, Xanax and omeprazole. I haven't eaten for a few hours, my stomach will be empty in a few hours, I could do it in my car in the middle of the night, nobody will notice until tomorrow. Nobody will miss me.

Please talk me out of it, I have no one.

 

[Bigsmoke777]

I dont think you're a bitch at all. I dont think you purposefully did this to yourself. I dont think you deserve this. This is only your decision. Do you think things could get better? Or you could reach out to her?

 

[The anhedonic one]

Sounds like major depression. I'm in that headspace right now. Feeling very, very close to ending my existence.
When you are in that place every emotion is amplified.
Nothing you do can turn down the volume.
It's fucking brutal.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you want to chat to someone in real-time I can talk with you.

 

[H0110W]

Are you serious? The guy is reaching out for help and you've taken on the role as moderator - sorry, wrong forum. How incredibly insensitive. You're a disgrace to humankind.

I don't mind. This is the internets and there are people of all kinds. It is technically true that I posted in the wrong forum, but I'm not fully grasping my mental faculties right now. I just want the pain to end but I have nobody. If I posted anywhere else I would only receive replies telling me not to do, that there's plenty of fish in the ocean and so on, all from normies who never experienced the absolute void of the hikikomori life and total isolation. For them it's easy to not lose hope, they have friends and social lives. I have nothing, because I push everyone away as I am not functioning mentally. I may have schizoid disorder or some other mix of issues that were never treated.
I don't know what to do so all I can do is make yet another shitty thread on the suicide forum.

 

[JensenX]

I don't mind. This is the internets and there are people of all kinds. It is technically true that I posted in the wrong forum, but I'm not fully grasping my mental faculties right now. I just want the pain to end but I have nobody. If I posted anywhere else I would only receive replies telling me not to do, that there's plenty of fish in the ocean and so on, all from normies who never experienced the absolute void of the hikikomori life and total isolation. For them it's easy to not lose hope, they have friends and social lives. I have nothing, because I push everyone away as I am not functioning mentally. I may have schizoid disorder or some other mix of issues that were never treated.
I don't know what to do so all I can do is make yet another shitty thread on the suicide forum.

Believe it or not, you're not alone. In actual fact, I'm in a much worse situation. I pay rent and have run out of money with no possibility of getting any at the age of 64. I literally cannot afford to live much longer. I'm totally reclusive too, but that part is fine, it's the lack of money to live on that concerns me. I'm not depressed at all, but acutely aware of my situation. You don't have to be depressed or suffer mental illness to contemplate ctb. At my age, I'm not concerned about relationships. Been there done that. We are all born alone and die alone. I'm not after sympathy unless it comes with a suitcase full of money LOL.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Given the fact you ask for help here shows that you would not be ready for CTB because seemingly you have doubts. Probably you're heartbroken rightnow, but certainly you are not a bitch, don't degrade yourself. Reaching out to the most frequented part of the forum is always a good idea when urgent help is needed. We will keep you with us and you are not alone here.

 

[H0110W]

If you want to chat to someone in real-time I can talk with you.

Yes, please send me a message. Tell me a bit about yourself and your situation and why you want to help. Tell me your age, and I would prefer to talk with another man if possible but if you are a woman or something in between I don't care. I will reply after you write to me.

 

[Daxter_87]

Maybe she's being a little too harsh with someone in so much pain, but I agree with FuneralCry. I cannot really dissuade you from CTBing because it is your life and your choice, just as I won't try to persuade you to do it.

That aside, I'm really sorry that you are suffering like this and I hope that you find relief whatever you decide to do.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Are you serious? The guy is reaching out for help and you've taken on the role as moderator - sorry, wrong forum. How incredibly insensitive. You're a disgrace to humankind.

Not a disgrace to humankind the post is a troll and they need to go to recovery.

 

[Jezzibell]

I''m so sorry. I can feel your anguish in every word. Depression can literally be paralysing. Sometimes I find that if I don't work through ny grief when a relationship breaks, it bites me on the butt later on. I've spent many a day unable to move and in mental torment.

You are not a bitch. You are in pain. I'm a great believer in your right to die, your right to choose when and where. But I can't help feel that you may just be too depressed to rationally think through how you feel. You need to work out if its really what you want or a gut reaction.

In life you will feel heartbreak many times. But its good in a way because it reminds you that you are just human.

Whatever you decide, we are here as a community to support you. Xxxxxxx

 

[JensenX]

Maybe she's being a little too harsh with someone in so much pain, but I agree with FuneralCry. I cannot really dissuade you from CTBing because it is your life and your choice, just as I won't try to persuade you to do it.

That aside, I'm really sorry that you are suffering like this and I hope that you find relief whatever you decide to do.

Why can't you dissuade someone from CTBing? The best people to dissuade someone would be other people in a similar situation. Just because I'm contemplating it for my own reasons, that doesn't mean I want others to follow me if I can say the right things to dissuade them. No one is lost until they're gone. In this particular case, the feelings of ctb are connected to a love lost. That is the absolute worst reason of all to ctb as the feelings are not rational when it's about love. Take it from an older guy. When you grow older, love relationships become less important in life. I've been young and depressed about relationships ending. I understand it, and it's NOT a reason to ctb.

Not a disgrace to humankind the post is a troll and they need to go to recovery.

You're confused. I was not referring to the OP.

 

[H0110W]

I have doubts, yes. Mostly, the house. Which is not a house btw, it's an apartment but in my language house and apartment are the same thing. I was so happy that I could move out, had so much motivation designing furniture and everything else. I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. That I'm better off kms and leave the house to my brother. What good is living by myself going to make when I'll be utterly alone, and I'll be loitering around the house all day, to tired to even clean up (as I am right now in my parent's house)?

And to reply to someone above, I did reach out to her when I wasn't feeling this bad a couple days ago. I looked online and it was discouraged to write to your ex, but I did it anyway. Sent a short text telling her I was ok and that I was moving forward in life (meaning, the house and some work successes that happened since the breakup). And I invited her to talk, closed the message with one of our old memes. Of course she ignored me, because she hates me or finds me repulsive. The message, assuming she read it, would have made her feel disgusted. I can't even blame her. She was never a social reject like I am, probably moved on in a week and never looked back.

 

[JensenX]

I have doubts, yes. Mostly, the house. Which is not a house btw, it's an apartment but in my language house and apartment are the same thing. I was so happy that I could move out, had so much motivation designing furniture and everything else. I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. That I'm better off kms and leave the house to my brother. What good is living by myself going to make when I'll be utterly alone, and I'll be loitering around the house all day, to tired to even clean up (as I am right now in my parent's house)?

And to reply to someone above, I did reach out to her when I wasn't feeling this bad a couple days ago. I looked online and it was discouraged to write to your ex, but I did it anyway. Sent a short text telling her I was ok and that I was moving forward in life (meaning, the house and some work successes that happened since the breakup). And I invited her to talk, closed the message with one of our old memes. Of course she ignored me, because she hates me or finds me repulsive. The message, assuming she read it, would have made her feel disgusted. I can't even blame her. She was never a social reject like I am, probably moved on in a week and never looked back.

This might not be what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's possible she knows about your suicidal inclinations when you get depressed and/or things don't go your way. From her point of view, and put yourself in her shoes - she would want to get as far away from you as possible. It would be a heavy burden to live with someone with your tendencies. If you really love her, you'd want the best for her and that would mean putting her welfare first. If you're only thinking about yourself, it's not love and possibly an obsession at best.

I'm a bit confused about your comment that you're reclusive and totally alone... yet you say you're in your parent's house right now... and you also mention a brother. That doesn't sound like being alone.

 

[H0110W]

This might not be what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's possible she knows about your suicidal inclinations when you get depressed and/or things don't go your way. From her point of view, and put yourself in her shoes - she would want to get as far away from you as possible. It would be a heavy burden to live with someone with your tendencies. If you really love her, you'd want the best for her and that would mean putting her welfare first. If you're only thinking about yourself, it's not love and possibly an obsession at best.

You are totally right. She know that I had depression and suicidal ideation but I always said I was totally over it, that I didn't feel like that anymore. Is it an obsession then? Like I said before, my mind might be playing tricks on me. The loneliness and feeling of isolation turned to physical pain, and my mind wants to go back to how things were. It was a mistake to message her. Surely it's not as bad as stalking or writing multiple times or begging, I just wanted to talk, and it has been 8 months. It was a single message and entirely non threatening. That should be pretty normal right? But then again, I mostly wanted her to just write back to me, being ignored means she just doesn't give a fuck about me at best, and finds me repulsive and regrets spending time with me at worst. This is suicide fuel and it makes me feel much worse.

Anyway I'm going to lie down now, I feel so fucking bad and I need to think if I'm ready to ctb or not.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Anyway I'm going to lie down now, I feel so fucking bad and I need to think if I'm ready to ctb or not.

Feel free to come back at any time when you have the desire to talk / to write. Calm down a bit and everything will be fine and you are not tzhe one who has to feel bad! It's certainly harsh what your ex did but you will be over it soon, I wish you all the best.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I have 99% SN, Xanax and omeprazole. I haven't eaten for a few hours, my stomach will be empty in a few hours, I could do it in my car in the middle of the night, nobody will notice until tomorrow. Nobody will miss me.

Please talk me out of it, I have no one.

Hello @H0110W,
Thanks for talking with us.
I can't imagine how terrible isolated life for you.
So I would understand if you thought the only option is catching the bus.

I'm stuck here and crying.
I don't know if I want to live
Or don't have a gut to try.
Anyway I'm trying to survive.

You are also trying to survive
In this deadly weather,
Which have claimed countless lives.
So let's suffer, and survive, together.

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you, but I think, you can't avoid suffering right now.
So I don't make a baseless promise like "it gets better."
Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding you or sounds like patronising
Now I'm 36 and have been suicidal since 8. To be honest I don't know why I survived.
I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[strigoi]

I'm sorry for your situation. If you want to talk privately, send me a message.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Believe it or not, you're not alone. In actual fact, I'm in a much worse situation. I pay rent and have run out of money with no possibility of getting any at the age of 64. I literally cannot afford to live much longer. I'm totally reclusive too, but that part is fine, it's the lack of money to live on that concerns me. I'm not depressed at all, but acutely aware of my situation. You don't have to be depressed or suffer mental illness to contemplate ctb. At my age, I'm not concerned about relationships. Been there done that. We are all born alone and die alone. I'm not after sympathy unless it comes with a suitcase full of money LOL.

59 years old here. I'm broke too.

 

[Mx_Pathetic]

Believe it or not, you're not alone. In actual fact, I'm in a much worse situation. I pay rent and have run out of money with no possibility of getting any at the age of 64. I literally cannot afford to live much longer. I'm totally reclusive too, but that part is fine, it's the lack of money to live on that concerns me. I'm not depressed at all, but acutely aware of my situation. You don't have to be depressed or suffer mental illness to contemplate ctb. At my age, I'm not concerned about relationships. Been there done that. We are all born alone and die alone. I'm not after sympathy unless it comes with a suitcase full of money LOL.

Sorry but their is no such thing as a"worse situation" everyone's situation is different and everyone feels different. A heart break could feel like the end of the world to so people where people can lose their Lims and still have the mental and physical ability to keep fighting and living. Everyone's different so don't go saying your situation is worse.

 

[Dot]

Jst 2 clarfy

If a membr = in crisis & wnts 2 pst fr ppl2 tlk thm dwn thn tht = abslutely fne - = ds nt mattr whch subfrum thy pst in if thy r despr8 & jst nd 2 pst smewhre

SaSu = fr ppl 2 spport ech-othr

Nt evry1 on SaSu hs mde up thr mnd abt thr nxt stps & mny jst wnt emotnl spport

Compassn 1st

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Compassn 1st

I feel like this is the most important thing for this website. We're all in some form of pain. Have compassion for others' distress.

OP, I'm sorry you're suffering. You're not a bitch at all--your pain is just as valid as anyone else's here.

 

[Linda]

Guys, I feel incredibly bad and I have no one to talk to. I don't know why but ever since my gf dumped me I felt kinda ok and even motivated, but now 8 months later I feel so fucking bad it's unbearable. It all started a couple days ago out of nowhere, I've never felt so bad in my life as I feel right now. I can barely speak or move, I am paralyzed and I feel physical pain. I feel nothing but the want to die. I wish she would reach out to me but even then I know it won't work because I'm a worthless piece of shit, she hates me and she is right.
And why now, it has been 8 months, I felt good before but why now, I thought I had moved on, I bought a house and will move out in a few months, but I don't feel like it anymore, I just want to die, I feel no hope for the future at all, I am totally fucked.
I don't deserve a house, I'll turn it into a dump, I can't do anything right. I can't do anything at all, I'm totally worthless.
And even then, what's the point of owning a house, just to be alone. Just to sleep, eat, work, rinse and repeat forever.
I'm not fit for life, every time I thought it was going well I was faking it, I always feel this existential dread, even when I feel happy.

Is it because I'm heartbroken? Is it all in my mind? Am I being a bitch? I don't understand, I just want to die. I know it sounds like I'm being a bitch, boo hoo he's been dumped and now he's heartbroken, what a bitch, right? But I've been alone all my life, I've been a recluse, and it meant to much to me. I ruined everything, as usual, everything I touch turns to shit.

I have 99% SN, Xanax and omeprazole. I haven't eaten for a few hours, my stomach will be empty in a few hours, I could do it in my car in the middle of the night, nobody will notice until tomorrow. Nobody will miss me.

Please talk me out of it, I have no one.

I don't think ctb is right for you, at least not at the moment. Your emotions seem to be all over the place, which means that you are not in the best position to make important decisions. Put the pills away, at least for today. It's weekend. Go out somewhere there are people, and do your best to have a night out. Somewhere out there is your next gf, and she may be better than the previous one - but you won't find her if you sit at home. You may find that your mood changes when there are people around you.

 

[H0110W]

Gentlemen, I thank you for your support. I am officially at my lowest point right now. I went to lie down, since I live with parents (house is not ready yet) I had to make up an excuse that I had a stomach ache and nausea and felt like I had the intestinal flu so that nobody would bother me while I contemplated whether to ctb or not. I was watching videos on yt and I was starting to feel a bit better but suddenly something triggered some memories of my failures with the girl and I fucking started bawling my eyes out. I actually shed a tear after the breakup while I was driving home 8 months ago but I did not cry, this time though, I had my first proper cry in 15 to 20 years at least. It was horrible and I had to not make noise or my mother would have for sure investigated what was happening.
God damn it was horrible, I could feel my face contorting and not having any control over it and all while liquid poured from my eyes and mucus from my nose. I had totally forgotten how bad it feels to cry.

Anyway I also tried to reach out to a woman who helped me in the past. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole story but she actually replied to me and gave me some small advice in how to deal with this. Maybe I'll just swallow my pride and tell her the full story sometimes. I guess one of my many defects is that I am prideful but it seems I can no longer hold everything inside.

And one last thing, it's not all about the love lost. This is my biggest blunder so far, it is all my fault I ended it this way, and it's not the first time I do things that eventually cause me to feel like this. I vented about it in some of my older threads, but there is something wrong with me, I push people away, always.

Anyway, this is my lowest point in several decades. I have never felt this bad and this close to ending it all.
I am incredibly grateful to everyone who replied to me. I am still unsure on how to proceed with my exit strategy, today is out of the question though because my parents and brother would immediately be suspicious if I suddenly walk out of the house in the middle of the night. Right now I'm going to process my thoughts and listen to some music and then go to bed and hopefully have some sleep.

I'm a bit confused about your comment that you're reclusive and totally alone... yet you say you're in your parent's house right now... and you also mention a brother. That doesn't sound like being alone.

By alone I mean that I am alone with my pain. I cannot imagine talking about this stuff with them. Some time ago I went as far as hinting I was suicidal and they totally disregarded me. I have a dark humor sometimes so they probably thought I was really joking so I can't blame them but I really don't feel like talking about this stuff to them, at all. Especially I want to seem strong for my brother.

 

[Dot]

Honstly if 2dy ws th/ 1st tme cryng in yrs thn wld tke tht as a postve as tht = whre healng begns

Hpe u cn gt sme slp & thn thngs r clearr 2mro

 

[kråkevind]

I'm so sorry you feel so much pain right now. I don't think you are a bitch. Heartbreak has got to be one of the worst situations to go through. I can empathize with you.

 

[JensenX]

Sorry but their is no such thing as a"worse situation" everyone's situation is different and everyone feels different. A heart break could feel like the end of the world to so people where people can lose their Lims and still have the mental and physical ability to keep fighting and living. Everyone's different so don't go saying your situation is worse.

You are wrong, and I stand by my assessment. Emotional situations can be fixed. Mine has no fix. Don't turn this into an argument. The OP understood me and didn't argue the point. You might learn something about life if you start reading, rather than just reacting before thinking it through. Everything has degrees. The way you're talking is suggesting everyone has a reason to just do it and shouldn't be talked out of it. Having an emotional relationship breakup is part of life and not a reason to do it.

By alone I mean that I am alone with my pain. I cannot imagine talking about this stuff with them. Some time ago I went as far as hinting I was suicidal and they totally disregarded me. I have a dark humor sometimes so they probably thought I was really joking so I can't blame them but I really don't feel like talking about this stuff to them, at all. Especially I want to seem strong for my brother.

OK, understood. You're alone as you don't feel you can discuss it with your family. Considering the finality of ending your life, don't you think it could be worth another try? Better to be embarrassed and misunderstood than dead.

By my alone, it's being really physically alone with no one to talk to and no family. If I ended it, no one would be aware and the smell of my rotting corpse would be the only way my death would be discovered, perhaps weeks or months later. I actually prefer my situation as I don't have to cater to anyone's feelings when I end it. You're probably a lot younger than I am, so you're losing more by ending your life prematurely. Surely you have reservations about putting your family through the grief of their son (and brother) ending his own life. That type of grief will last a lifetime.

 

[Mx_Pathetic]

You are wrong, and I stand by my assessment. Emotional situations can be fixed. Mine has no fix. Don't turn this into an argument. The OP understood me and didn't argue the point. You might learn something about life if you start reading, rather than just reacting before thinking it through. Everything has degrees. The way you're talking is suggesting everyone has a reason to just do it and shouldn't be talked out of it. Having an emotional relationship breakup is part of life and not a reason to do it.

I stand by what I said. However I agree that "some" emotional situations can be fixed but not all. If you think depression, bpd, etc can be "fixed" you're highly mistake, yes they can be dealt with, with time and practice. However they are live long conditions and alot of people suffer dearly with these conditions. I wasn't trying to start a fight I just felt you were belittling this persons problems. I never said they should CBT because of a break up or CBT for anything-

 

[JensenX]

I stand by what I said. However I agree that "some" emotional situations can be fixed but not all. If you think depression, bpd, etc can be "fixed" you're highly mistake, yes they can be dealt with, with time and practice. However they are live long conditions and alot of people suffer dearly with these conditions. I wasn't trying to start a fight I just felt you were belittling this persons problems. I never said they should CBT because of a break up or CBT for anything

But, here we ARE talking about cbt over a breakup...

You're right about one thing. I was "belittling this person's problems". Let's call it tough love, shall we? A lot of young people end their lives over broken relationships. I live in Thailand, and teenagers ending their lives over love is very common here... my suggestion was "Get a grip, you'll get over it"... or "Don't be silly, wait a while and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about". Time can heal.

 

[Mx_Pathetic]

But, here we ARE talking about cbt over a breakup...

You're right about one thing. I was "belittling this person's problems". Let's call it tough love, shall we? A lot of young people end their lives over broken relationships. I live in Thailand, and teenagers ending their lives over love is very common here... my suggestion was "Get a grip, you'll get over it"... or "Don't be silly, wait a while and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about". Time can heal.