Feeling sick thinking about it

[toseeyousmile]

Everytime I think of ctbing I feel sick to the stomach, like I wanna throw up. Everytime I am reminded my the mistakes that cornered me to where I am I feel this same dread in my body that makes me drop anything that I'm doing because my mind just shuts down and the only thing I can think of are these mistakes and a combination of fear, guilt, and shame. Part of the thing that makes me sick to my stomach when I think of ctbing is the fear towards not only of dying itself but also about what I'm leaving behind. I'm an irreplaceable part of my mom's life as she is to mine so on top of the guilt and shame, this is by far the greatest feeling that's holding me back.

With this holding me back, coming closer and closer to ctbing, I can't see ctbing and think of doing it with any clarity in my mind, like I'm being pulled by 2 directions and both are doomed which ends up with me feeling frenzied and paralyzed. Are you guys able to approach ctbing with clarity in your mind?

 

[jodes2]

I do have some clarity. I have options for when to do it, some better than others. If I CTB while my dad's alive then at least I'll have a secure space to CTB around someone who understands. Once my dad's gone I'm on my own with my CTB thoughts and it'll be a very lonely action indeed. I'll have to go to a hotel to do it. Or I could wait until my gf is dead or gone then I'll surely have nothing to stay for so I'll go

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

I am not feeling very poetic atm, so I will attempt to word my thoughts on the topic somewhat normally. When thinking about death in a personal way, I encounter a deep sinking feeling in my core, it causes my stomach to drop and develop a painful, aching emptiness. In addition to one's bowels trembling, this bitter emptiness makes your heart feel achy as well, and this sensation I will refer to as Voidsickness. I for one find myself with severe cases of Voidsickness at regular intervals, both day and night, whilst doing a range of activities. Strangely, Voidsickness causes one to long for death while living and to long for life while dying, or so, I have found. I believe SI can bring about this ailment, and I have yet to find a remedy for its symptoms besides letting time pass by until they wear off.

I plan to mentally fortify myself while CTBing, if I can mentally put myself in such a state. May your ills heal fellow sufferer.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm fine with suicidal ideation because I've had it for so long. The idea of my death is a comfort. It's when I start really thinking/planning the practicalities of it that I feel sick. The fear of pain, the fear of it going wrong, the fear of what (if anything) is next. Weirdly, I also start to feel this really weird grief over the poor sods who will have to clean up the mess. That's got to be a horrible job.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that for me personally, if I had the option of a peaceful and reliable exit I would be relieved and have no problems going through with ctb. However in my case ctb is difficult and I fear methods failing which is what holds me back as well as having limited access to methods in general. I don't fear death at all, I find it comforting and it's all that I look forward to. For me personally, non existence is always preferable to living as it's the absence of suffering. It's just unfair how dying is hard and that things could potentially go wrong when trying to ctb.