Someone with empathy deserves a bad no matter whats going on in the world, the way the world is is probably why you're in there for a start. When you're trying to get better you don't need to be giving yourself unwarranted self-hate pal. If you do speak to the others you will see there's a good selection that are just outright playing the system so they can fake mental illness either to avoid prison or get top benefits handouts. They have zero conscience or empathy for others so don't beat yourself up.
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CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
I'm not sure what is happening anymore. They said that I'm most likely feeling worse again due to stopping one of the drugs (SNRI) so abruptly. I said, fine, then let me feel like shit and think about suicide until those withdrawal symptoms go away. No, they want to put me back on it for the rest of the week and then remove it. I tried to refuse, but no, "we want you to feel as good as possible even if it takes longer to get to the end result".
The thing is, since this afternoon I suddenly feel a bit better again. I'm so fucking confused. Now I definitely do not want to get back on that drug. Fuck, what am I supposed to do?! I feel like I'm starting to panic because nothing goes the way I want, and they pressure me to be more "active" whilst simultaneously telling me to take it easy and give it time.
Am I going insane? Is this what it feels like? Any insane person here who can answer? xD Gosh, I'm sitting here in my window, suddenly giggling at the thought that I'm actually going crazy. This is so fucking absurd.
The thing is, since this afternoon I suddenly feel a bit better again. I'm so fucking confused. Now I definitely do not want to get back on that drug. Fuck, what am I supposed to do?! I feel like I'm starting to panic because nothing goes the way I want, and they pressure me to be more "active" whilst simultaneously telling me to take it easy and give it time.
Am I going insane? Is this what it feels like? Any insane person here who can answer? xD Gosh, I'm sitting here in my window, suddenly giggling at the thought that I'm actually going crazy. This is so fucking absurd.
Why would they keep you on it and then remove it anyway? It sounds like you are being given conflicted info.
My experience of them is that they want you medicated and compliant but also able to be proactive and take care of yourself.
Those two situations appear to me to be somewhat mutually exclusive. Can't have both.
Do you really want to come off the drug? Will they give you a choice? Or are they trying to confuse and bully you?
It should be your choice in the end if you are there voluntarily. Ask them what happens if you decline the drug maybe? Or why they want you to stop it in a week?
My experience of them is that they want you medicated and compliant but also able to be proactive and take care of yourself.
Those two situations appear to me to be somewhat mutually exclusive. Can't have both.
Do you really want to come off the drug? Will they give you a choice? Or are they trying to confuse and bully you?
It should be your choice in the end if you are there voluntarily. Ask them what happens if you decline the drug maybe? Or why they want you to stop it in a week?
Unfortunately for alot of us when our mood deteriorates we throw away medications as we feel it's not working, were probably right. But the way it looks to the doctors is
John stopped his medication abruptly, a week later his mood leads him here...
So they see that as a cause not a symptom.
John stopped his medication abruptly, a week later his mood leads him here...
So they see that as a cause not a symptom.
CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
The reason they gave was that if I'm having such strong withdrawal effects, there is a greater risk of developing independent issues that will persist even when the withdrawal symptoms go away. And like, fine, I get that, but I'm not convinced I'm actually having that strong withdrawal effects altogether. It feels more like the very deep discussion about my lack of will to live on Monday triggered this. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling tells me dropping the drug is not the culprit.
I'm already taking three other medications for my mood, so I asked them to remove this fourth one that I've had for almost a year with no effect. Instead of tapering it down slowly, they kinda rushed and halved the dose for a few days and then took me off it completely. I asked for this and told them I'm ready to face the consequences. My guess is that they feel like I'm acting self-destructively and consider me to not be of sound mind right now. Maybe they're right, I don't know...
I'm going to try refusing it tomorrow morning and see what happens. If that does not work, I'll just take it these last four days of this week and hope they stand by their word of removing it on Monday.
As a side note, I skipped my sleep medication tonight to see if I could get some sleep without it, but nope, three hours of miserable tossing and turning later, I caved in and asked for it anyway.
I had this really, really weird dream about taking on a job as pizza delivery girl in a dystopian future. It was all a front for smuggling drugs and of course I had to be part of it. I couldn't do it my first day of delivering pizzas, so I decided to dump the drugs on the floor in the pizza "factory" and run. Then at the exit, a guard stopped me and convinced me to stay. We kinda fell in love or something and ended up running away together. At the end, I think we realised how fucked we were and swam together out into the ocean to drown ourselves. The stupidest dream ever, but now that I'm slightly more awake, I actually miss it.
If this post doesn't make any sense whatsoever, it's because I'm not fully awake and my thoughts are muddled.
Damn, complicated situation. You do kind of seem to have a handle on it though, as in you are trying different things even if you do feel lost. Be straight with them and tell them all that maybe. If you show willing but give solid argument for what you want that may count in your favour.
And that dream, wow yeah that seems to say a lot about the conflicted feeling you have right now.
As for withdrawl, my experience with the pros is that they seldom do it properly. I used an approved NHS guide from the internet when I tapered off. If that's what you want to do afterwards, then I'd suggest getting a script from them for a half the dose but twice the tablets (to the same amount) so that you can taper more easily by halving then quartering. That's how I did it. Good luck explaining that to the doc though.
And that dream, wow yeah that seems to say a lot about the conflicted feeling you have right now.
As for withdrawl, my experience with the pros is that they seldom do it properly. I used an approved NHS guide from the internet when I tapered off. If that's what you want to do afterwards, then I'd suggest getting a script from them for a half the dose but twice the tablets (to the same amount) so that you can taper more easily by halving then quartering. That's how I did it. Good luck explaining that to the doc though.
CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
You know, it all worked out pretty well today! I barely got any sleep at all, but when the nurse woke me up in the morning for my medicines, I told her I don't want that one pill. Explained to her why and she said she'd bring it up on the morning conference with the doctors, but that I had to take it today because she can't just let me skip one medicine like that.
A couple hours later, my doctor knocked on my door and said I'd get to meet the head psychiatrist again today (the good one I saw on Monday). We had a great discussion, he completely agreed with me about the medication and promised to take it off the list from tomorrow.
He actually said something funny in response to me saying "I feel a bit bad for going against what the doctor said yesterday, because I know you (doctors) have years of training in medicine and are the experts here, not me". He laughed and said "no, you're absolutely right in questioning what we do, because we don't always have a clear answer". Something like that.
We talked a lot about other stuff as well, but then he told me "I'd love to have a deeper discussion about the meaning of life, death and existence with you, but I'd prefer to do that when you're not in your darkest place and can't handle the weight of such a discussion". And I'm like (internally, of course) DUDE, YOU TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ME! xD
He recognised how much our Monday discussion affected me and that I was not ready to dig that deep, but also saw that I enjoyed our discussion and wanted to continue talking about it.
I love this guy, he's the perfect doctor for me. He even told me at the end that he can't wait to talk to me more, because he was learning new things by talking to me. Not just about me, but about himself and how we work as humans as well. Is that a compliment or what?!
I know I shouldn't feel flattered, but he really did seem to be genuine.
What a rollercoaster this thread must be. I don't want to re-read it, but it feels like every other update I post is negative and then positive. I guess it is really amplified because I have no one else to talk to about this. I'm surprised anyone keeps following this thread. Very happy for your comments as usual
Hugs~
Edit: Took away a "not" that didn't belong
A couple hours later, my doctor knocked on my door and said I'd get to meet the head psychiatrist again today (the good one I saw on Monday). We had a great discussion, he completely agreed with me about the medication and promised to take it off the list from tomorrow.
He actually said something funny in response to me saying "I feel a bit bad for going against what the doctor said yesterday, because I know you (doctors) have years of training in medicine and are the experts here, not me". He laughed and said "no, you're absolutely right in questioning what we do, because we don't always have a clear answer". Something like that.
We talked a lot about other stuff as well, but then he told me "I'd love to have a deeper discussion about the meaning of life, death and existence with you, but I'd prefer to do that when you're not in your darkest place and can't handle the weight of such a discussion". And I'm like (internally, of course) DUDE, YOU TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ME! xD
He recognised how much our Monday discussion affected me and that I was not ready to dig that deep, but also saw that I enjoyed our discussion and wanted to continue talking about it.
I love this guy, he's the perfect doctor for me. He even told me at the end that he can't wait to talk to me more, because he was learning new things by talking to me. Not just about me, but about himself and how we work as humans as well. Is that a compliment or what?!
I know I shouldn't feel flattered, but he really did seem to be genuine.What a rollercoaster this thread must be. I don't want to re-read it, but it feels like every other update I post is negative and then positive. I guess it is really amplified because I have no one else to talk to about this. I'm surprised anyone keeps following this thread. Very happy for your comments as usual
Hugs~
Edit: Took away a "not" that didn't belong
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GotoHellforHeavensSa
Member
- Mar 12, 2020
- 26
I love this guy, he's the perfect doctor for me. He even told me at the end that he can't wait to talk to me more, because he was learning new things by talking to me. Not just about me, but about himself and how we work as humans as well. Is that a compliment or what?!
What a rollercoaster this thread must be. I don't want to re-read it, but it feels like every other update I post is negative and then positive. I guess it is really amplified because I have no one else to talk to about this. I'm surprised anyone keeps following this thread. Very happy for your comments as usual
Oh girl, congratulations!
If this doctor will really continue to be like that, to understand and support you like that,then you're halfway through! Knowledge that you can count on another person like that is priceless, very happy for you that this situation concluded like that!And your writings are like a live-version of diary about your battle with it, so i only hope that in the end there will be more positive posts than negative! I think every reader of this topic keeps their fingers crossed for you
Hollow Point
A̵l̷w̷a̷y̸s̷ ̷t̸i̸r̵e̸d̶
- Mar 24, 2020
- 120
Dont ever feel guilty about using the resources and help intended for you. They are there for whoever needs them.
That is fantastic newsYou know, it all worked out pretty well today! I barely got any sleep at all, but when the nurse woke me up in the morning for my medicines, I told her I don't want that one pill. Explained to her why and she said she'd bring it up on the morning conference with the doctors, but that I had to take it today because she can't just let me skip one medicine like that.
A couple hours later, my doctor knocked on my door and said I'd get to meet the head psychiatrist again today (the good one I saw on Monday). We had a great discussion, he completely agreed with me about the medication and promised to take it off the list from tomorrow.
He actually said something funny in response to me saying "I feel a bit bad for not going against what the doctor said yesterday, because I know you (doctors) have years of training in medicine and are the experts here, not me". He laughed and said "no, you're absolutely right in questioning what we do, because we don't always have a clear answer". Something like that.
We talked a lot about other stuff as well, but then he told me "I'd love to have a deeper discussion about the meaning of life, death and existence with you, but I'd prefer to do that when you're not in your darkest place and can't handle the weight of such a discussion". And I'm like (internally, of course) DUDE, YOU TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ME! xD
He recognised how much our Monday discussion affected me and that I was not ready to dig that deep, but also saw that I enjoyed our discussion and wanted to continue talking about it.
I love this guy, he's the perfect doctor for me. He even told me at the end that he can't wait to talk to me more, because he was learning new things by talking to me. Not just about me, but about himself and how we work as humans as well. Is that a compliment or what?!
What a rollercoaster this thread must be. I don't want to re-read it, but it feels like every other update I post is negative and then positive. I guess it is really amplified because I have no one else to talk to about this. I'm surprised anyone keeps following this thread. Very happy for your comments as usual
Hugs~
Seriously. I've only had bad experiences with head doctors, probably cuz I'm a know-it-all but it looks like you've found a good one."no, you're absolutely right in questioning what we do, because we don't always have a clear answer" that's such a good and realistic thing to hear. Please give me his number!
Bahbah Blacksheep
Member
- Dec 23, 2019
- 49
CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
Absolutely horrible right now. Just had an anxiety attack, hurt myself a bunch, notified the nurse and now they are super annoying and won't leave me alone... Ugh, plus the fact that a burn wound I made while here (not going into details) got infected and I'm on antibiotics. My stomach is sensitive as it is, but now I can barely eat due to nausuea, and anything I do get down comes out through the other end like a volcanic eruption.@CuddleHug
How are you doing?
I've been meaning to post an update for a while, because things did start looking better. At first I was obsessed with Animal Crossing: New Leaf (and still am, basically live in that game now), but then I also felt like visiting SS was affecting my mood and I wanted to get away from that for a bit.
Anyway, my last meeting with M, the head psychiatrist here at the ward, the one that I liked, was really good. We talked about all the measures we needed to prepare for an eventual discharge in the nearest weeks. I won't go into detail about all that, but all I can say was that that I felt happy about most of it. They really have listened to me, and that's very rare according to my previous experiences.
Problem is, I now have started feeling a huge amount of pressure to take over the reigns and steer my life in the right direction. Fuck. How am I supposed to do that? It's going to require so much effort and motivation. Why even bother? Why bother living at all?
That's kind of where I'm at now. Not great, I know. I'm kind of digging my own grave by openly being defiant and telling them I'm getting worse. Part of me wants to put on the happy mask and let them believe I am ready to leave, but I don't think it will work this time because I already told them that I have a tendency to fake recovery in order to get discharged early...
At least I'll get to see M again tomorrow. Will try to make it clear that I'm unstable as fuck at the moment. The saddest part about the whole thing is that I'll never see M again once I'm sent home. I don't even belong to this hospital, let alone a bipolar ward. If I leave and feel the need to get hospitalized again, I'll never end up here again, which would suck because I like it here a lot.
Falling asleep as I'm writing this, should stop before I say sonething weird.
Hugs~
CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
Apparently not. Some other... doctor? nurse? not even sure what his title is... came to my room and had a "talk" instead. I don't like him, he's always walking on eggshells and comes with obvious suggestions that I've already dismissed. What an absolute waste of energy, I honestly feel worse now than before he came to talk.
So much for finding a good psychiatrist that I can talk to openly with no bullshit and empty promises flung back at me. Like everyone else, he does not have time for me. I'm not disruptive and demanding enough. Maybe I should go harass some of the... no, that's not something I'm capable of.
I guess I'll just do what I always do, retract into myself even more, while presenting a calm and collected demeanour on the outside. We're almost coming full circle here. I don't deserve to be here if I'm not even trying to get better. I think I'll just pretend I feel fine and have them send me home as soon as possible.
Bahbah Blacksheep
Member
- Dec 23, 2019
- 49
Sorry to hear that :(
I can relate to a lot of what you've posted in this thread, and I wish I had some good advice.
Is the new guy going to replace "M" from now on or do you know why he came to talk instead of M? I always hated having to explain my situation to a bunch of different people, very tiresome.
I can relate to a lot of what you've posted in this thread, and I wish I had some good advice.
Is the new guy going to replace "M" from now on or do you know why he came to talk instead of M? I always hated having to explain my situation to a bunch of different people, very tiresome.
CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
No, he's just the one they send when the doctors are too busy. I'm hoping M will make time for me tomorrow, but who am I kidding, why would he? From what I gathered from this guy, they pretty much want to get rid of me, so I don't think I can expect much more from anyone here. Today, no one has even checked in on me all day, despite my anxiety attack last night. How about a "hey, we heard you struggled a lot yesterday, how are things now?"
Besides the random dude I don't know the name or title of, the person I had the most interaction with today was the cleaning girl. She's nice, even asked me how I was doing and wondered why I didn't join the others for a walk earlier. Maybe she's being kind to me because I always (try to) thank her each time she cleans my room. Either way, that is the only warmth I have received today.
I'm starting to feel bad bumping this thread here in Recovery. I think I've given up on getting better, but I don't think I'm ready to CTB either. Too much effort, to be honest...
Just noticed I wrote New Leaf, rather than New Horizons. I play in Japanese, so I'm always confused by the English titles. The latest one is New Horizons, and that's the one I'm currently playing. Living. Because, yeah, life on a deserted island with my animal friends is much more interesting than my own sorry life. If I could just go home, I'd play all my waking hours.
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GotoHellforHeavensSa
Member
- Mar 12, 2020
- 26
I'm sorry that things turns out this way that you don't meet with M, and that nobody asked how are you. But i'm pretty sure he is well aware of consenquences that can fall on you because he could not make it to the meeting. You will surely meet with him soon, and maybe is a good idea to tell him straightforward ('till you have a chance, because as you said - when you leave you may not see him again) how you perceive they behaviour towards you. It may be true or may be not, but use his knowledge as long as you can
Well, maybe it is not a coincidence that she is nice to you. The last time i was in the mental ward i was regularly talking to charwoman and guess what? She also was mentally ill and because of that, they hire her, because they were thinking that 'cause of this ilness she will have better understanding for the patients. Maybe just try to talk a bit with this lady, about how her work here look like etc. As long as don't give up on life it's a recovery. Hell, you can even recover from death, and you said you don't wan't to CTB. I will not say there is a hope, but there's also definitely no hopeless yet. You already take a tremendous effort in road to recovery, and it is admitting that you need help. I never do it, but you did, so don't let it go to waste, don't let doctors take this effort away from you, but force them to make a effort for you. Keep it tight, and remember you are a CuddleHUG so someone have to give hugs on this forum...wish you well and hugs!
(Lol i wish i could give such a pep talk to myself XD)
CuddleHug
Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
- Feb 22, 2020
- 259
If anyone was wondering how I'm doing; don't bother, I'm not worth your energy. This will be my last update in this thread, maybe on the forum as a whole. I'm just too tired to care about anything anymore.
A lot has happened since my last update, and I wanted to post about it several times, but in the end I am still hopeless, useless, stupid... broken. At least I finally gave away my bed at the psych ward, which should now be helping someone else get better. So at least I was a tiny bit useful, only in the sense that I moved out of the way to free up resources. Story of my life, right there.
In my current state of mind, I feel like staying alive and out of the way is my only option. CTB would use up resources that are needed for the crisis right now, especially if I for some stupid reason fail. Getting help, well, I'm only going to keep the bare minimum I need to survive and nothing more. There's no helping me beyond that, I'm afraid. Back to pretending I'm fine (or at least stable, which I'm not).
I am not planning on posting here again, but I'll keep my account active and check in on private conversations now and then. Don't be offended if I don't reply, it's just me being... well, me. I suck, and I'm not worth your time. Which is why I'll stop writing now, because this post is already long enough.
To everyone who cared to follow my ramblings and give me encouragement, thank you for the support. I wish upon you eternal cuddles and hugs
A lot has happened since my last update, and I wanted to post about it several times, but in the end I am still hopeless, useless, stupid... broken. At least I finally gave away my bed at the psych ward, which should now be helping someone else get better. So at least I was a tiny bit useful, only in the sense that I moved out of the way to free up resources. Story of my life, right there.
In my current state of mind, I feel like staying alive and out of the way is my only option. CTB would use up resources that are needed for the crisis right now, especially if I for some stupid reason fail. Getting help, well, I'm only going to keep the bare minimum I need to survive and nothing more. There's no helping me beyond that, I'm afraid. Back to pretending I'm fine (or at least stable, which I'm not).
I am not planning on posting here again, but I'll keep my account active and check in on private conversations now and then. Don't be offended if I don't reply, it's just me being... well, me. I suck, and I'm not worth your time. Which is why I'll stop writing now, because this post is already long enough.
To everyone who cared to follow my ramblings and give me encouragement, thank you for the support. I wish upon you eternal cuddles and hugs
I don't believe that. I've been there. Still am there in a way. But you can PM me anytime if you want.
FireFox
Enlightened
- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,650
No you are not selfish.
Psycharitic wards were desgined to keep mentally ill people safe from harm .
You even admitted yourself you feel safe in there as you cant self harm. It is clear you are a danger to yourself from that statement .
The fact you feel safe goes to show the psychariatic ward is doing it is purpose and you are benefiting from it .
At the end of the day yes there loads of people need help but you need to think of you.
We save cant people it down to people to save themselves. All people can do do is love and care for individuals.
Some times having a good support network is not enough. I have a caring and loving family (the attitude towards mental health is appalling )but it is not enough.
I still want to die everyday
Take care
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