Feeling Selfish and guilty for staying alive

[asgoodasdead]

At this current stage and my stupid SI or whatever, I for some reason selfishly kinda want to live? Yet for so long I've wanted to die just to end my suffering and I still do.

This past Friday I graduated high school and in a few months I'd go to college. Still close by cause of my controlling parents…yet far enough to have my own dorm. Maybe I'll have at least a slim chance at life…?

Yet, I need to ctb to escape my parents. I'm an adult with absolutely zero rights or freedom or privacy…
And at home it's only getting more dangerous. I don't want to get into too many specifics but threats of more physical and verbal abuse…and uh being removed from my house. I don't know anymore I know I don't have much time before another incident breaks out. Most likely physical abuse.

And uh, I literally can't leave I have absolutely no where to go and the police in town suck. I also unfortunately don't have enough evidence either or money (parent prevent me from having a bank account). I can't even leave my house to walk down the street (security cameras as the entrance and exit). My parents are absolute psychos.

More importantly I completely ruined my relationship with the one human connection I had, my partner and there is absolutely no coming back. We are definitely going to break up in a few it's a matter of who says it first. The only thing that can fix it is if I dispose of myself. I hurt the ONE person that cared about me to badly that they said in their own words they can't trust me again…my life is actually fucking over. I have to punish myself… And if I'm gone, I'll never be able to be a bother to them ever again…or to anyone. Both in the present and past, I've wasted so many people's time and I can't do this anymore. I am selfish for taking space on this earth from people who are more worthy of it. I am clearly not.

 

[NutOrat]

You're not being selfish for having the most primal human instinct, and if looking at it this way, every single action we take one way or another is selfish. Doesn't make you bad for it or make wanting it any less valid. Sorry about your family situation, and your breakup. You don't deserve punishment, whatever it is you think you did to warrant it. I wish it wasn't so hard for you

I've wasted so many people's time and I can't do this anymore. I am selfish for taking space on this earth from people who are more worthy of it.

I have these thoughts a lot too, and it's such a bad rhetoric that I don't know who started propagating, but it's just bullshit. No-one deserves anything in this life, no-one asked to be born and you the one living right now are the one who matters the most. If life itself is horrible, and in my opinion it is, then wishing someone else more ""worthy"" lived in your stead doesn't make sense. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise, don't listen to people who spread this kind of talk. You're always worthy of living and having agency over your own life.

 

[asgoodasdead]

You're not being selfish for having the most primal human instinct, and if looking at it this way, every single action we take one way or another is selfish. Doesn't make you bad for it or make wanting it any less valid. Sorry about your family situation, and your breakup. You don't deserve punishment, whatever it is you think you did to warrant it. I wish it wasn't so hard for you


I have these thoughts a lot too, and it's such a bad rhetoric that I don't know who started propagating, but it's just bullshit. No-one deserves anything in this life, no-one asked to be born and you the one living right now are the one who matters the most. If life itself is horrible, and in my opinion it is, then wishing someone else more ""worthy"" lived in your stead doesn't make sense. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise, don't listen to people who spread this kind of talk. You're always worthy of living and having agency over your own life.

Seriously, thank you so much for your words, you made me feel a little more human if that makes sense :)

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

At least give college a try first. Meeting new people, new friends etc. It might be just the thing you need.

 

[asgoodasdead]

At least give college a try first. Meeting new people, new friends etc. It might be just the thing you need.

Before I used to be a "people person" ig but now with no irl friends and I just hate being around people now…in college I'm just looking for freedom but in the months leading up to it, I seriously don't think I'll survive staying at home