Feeling rejection and heartache huge reason for me wanting to ctb

[madbananas]

In fact, probably the only reason. I've never been loved and I'm tired of being ghosted by people I care about who seem to care about me but then they run for the hills. People who tell you they can trust you, who even spend so much time with you showing you that they are worth it and that the trust you have in them is genuine... and then bam they're gone. No reason given.
It's happened so many times it's become a significant complex trauma. I remember when my dad died, even that didn't feel as bad (was still horrible) because he didn't choose to leave me. Hope that makes sense, but that's how broken I am.

 

[faust]

I think deepness of your inner world and their conscience are not proportional, maybe they don't worth people so they leave just as soon as they think it is the right time - there may be lots of reasons why this happen. I understand that this is painful for you and I am sorry this drives you to misery, however, maybe you don't need people like these around you?

 

[itsamadworld]

It's an unfortunate reality of life. Friends come and go. We're in one day, and out the next....Sinatra sang in his song "That's Life" he was riding high in April, shot down in may.....Well, I feel shot down just about every day....but hopefully I won't live as long as Sinatra did!!....But anyways, wish you the best, and I hope you can find your people....

 

[madbananas]

I think deepness of your inner world and their conscience are not proportional, maybe they don't worth people so they leave just as soon as they think it is the right time - there may be lots of reasons why this happen. I understand that this is painful for you and I am sorry this drives you to misery, however, maybe you don't need people like these around you?

It's everybody I've ever felt a connection with. I'm aware of the potential reasons, a major one typically being a repeated external factor I tend to come across and it's like I've been cursed. I'm just so tired of it all

It's an unfortunate reality of life. Friends come and go. We're in one day, and out the next....Sinatra sang in his song "That's Life" he was riding high in April, shot down in may.....Well, I feel shot down just about every day....but hopefully I won't live as long as Sinatra did!!....But anyways, wish you the best, and I hope you can find your people....

Thank you. I'm in a weird stage where I don't want to find new people I just want my old person. I'm definitely not fit for this life.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It makes complete sense. I struggle with the same thing. I wish I could help.

 

[faust]

It's everybody I've ever felt a connection with. I'm aware of the potential reasons, a major one typically being a repeated external factor I tend to come across and it's like I've been cursed. I'm just so tired of it all


Thank you. I'm in a weird stage where I don't want to find new people I just want my old person. I'm definitely not fit for this life.

I understand your tiredness, fully understand... And you deserve people who will care about you as much as you do. It is not easy to find them, I admit, but right people exist.

 

[madbananas]

It makes complete sense. I struggle with the same thing. I wish I could help.

It's horrible wish I could help you too

I understand your tiredness, fully understand... And you deserve people who will care about you as much as you do. It is not easy to find them, I admit, but right people exist.

I know, I'm just having one of those moments where I just want my person back. It's a crazy situation and I'm hoping that it is like how I have been told in that it wasn't personal, and that maybe we will talk again in the future. I'm probably just being extra sad because it's 4.48am where I live and I've been awake all night

 

[Bct]

I can feel your pain. Being ghosted really hurts. I've been rejected countless times across the years, no matter how hard I tried to improve myself. Makes me feel I'm not worthy of love, especially with some bad deeds I've done. I also miss someone too, but most likely she won't miss me at all even if I'm dying.

Some people may say there's a right person for everyone, but I don't believe with that statement. Let's say men & women populations are equal across this world, that doesn't mean the dating pool is consisted of 3,5 billion people (minus one if your preference is in the same gender as yours). Location & age range already narrows that pool, and these haven't included personal preferences like attractiveness (physically or mentally) and anything else. Of course there are some exceptions, like you can find someone you love across the island thanks to internet, but those are exceptions instead of norms.

 

[whitetea]

Hugs and love for you. Sorry people have let you down

 

[madbananas]

I can feel your pain. Being ghosted really hurts. I've been rejected countless times across the years, no matter how hard I tried to improve myself. Makes me feel I'm not worthy of love, especially with some bad deeds I've done. I also miss someone too, but most likely she won't miss me at all even if I'm dying.

Some people may say there's a right person for everyone, but I don't believe with that statement. Let's say men & women populations are equal across this world, that doesn't mean the dating pool is consisted of 3,5 billion people (minus one if your preference is in the same gender as yours). Location & age range already narrows that pool, and these haven't included personal preferences like attractiveness (physically or mentally) and anything else. Of course there are some exceptions, like you can find someone you love across the island thanks to internet, but those are exceptions instead of norms.

I'm sorry you've experienced similar. It is horrid and just not what you imagine life being like as a child.
In my case, I connected with someone who just got me, treated me as an equal, didn't patronise me etc despite me having abandonment issues and other traits of BPD. She's also a huge advocate for those who have experienced trauma and develop symptoms associated with BPD and CPTSD. Unfortunately, because of her status in that she works at a college and I am a student the college told me they told her to block me and not contact me again. I supposedly graduate in about 6 months time (roughly - unknown cause of the whole covid situation) but she will probably have forgotten about me by that point.

Hugs and love for you. Sorry people have let you down

thank you. It's horrible, and it's all I ever experience in my life. I wouldn't even say I'm a huge nuisance or anything, it's just that I tend to connect with the "wrong" people, for instance my most recent one was a lecturer at a college who just got me and the college intervened saying it was inappropriate and got her to block me (we weren't together sexually or anything like that). She knows I have significant abandonment issues, which is so embarrassing even though it shouldn't be, so she'll be aware of how roughly I've taken this.

 

[Bct]

I'm sorry you've experienced similar. It is horrid and just not what you imagine life being like as a child.
In my case, I connected with someone who just got me, treated me as an equal, didn't patronise me etc despite me having abandonment issues and other traits of BPD. She's also a huge advocate for those who have experienced trauma and develop symptoms associated with BPD and CPTSD. Unfortunately, because of her status in that she works at a college and I am a student the college told me they told her to block me and not contact me again. I supposedly graduate in about 6 months time (roughly - unknown cause of the whole covid situation) but she will probably have forgotten about me by that point.

Indeed this is not a life I imagined when I was a child. I thought I would be married then having a child around my current age (26 years old), but the fact is I'm still loveless.

Damn, it must be really hard for you. They shouldn't do that if your relationship doesn't disturb the work. That's horrible. Perhaps she doesn't want it to happen too but she didn't have any choice, though it's still horrible, IMO.

 

[madbananas]

Indeed this is not a life I imagined when I was a child. I thought I would be married then having a child around my current age (26 years old), but the fact is I'm still loveless.

Damn, it must be really hard for you. They shouldn't do that if your relationship doesn't disturb the work. That's horrible. Perhaps she doesn't want it to happen too but she didn't have any choice, though it's still horrible, IMO.

Same here, I'm 25 and thought I'd have found my person now. I'm also still loveless.

It was awful. I haven't experienced distress like that in a long time, and I experience distress often. The college didn't even bother either, or give me the reason as to why her and I were apparently blurring professional boundaries, which doesn't make sense considering my actual personal tutor has contacted me on Facebook messenger before late at night, direct messaged me on Twitter and sent me personal written pieces of his. So really the professional blurring lies with him, not her. This whole thing made me try to ctb and is the reason why I am on this forum. My only hope left is what you said, that she was given no choice in the matter. The college did say it was a "college decision" which made it sound like it came from higher up than her. She hasn't blocked me on Twitter though which makes me feel slightly better. I'm just so angry with the whole thing as she was the first person who actually seemed to get me and didn't go running for the hills when getting to know me.

 

[Bct]

Same here, I'm 25 and thought I'd have found my person now. I'm also still loveless.

It was awful. I haven't experienced distress like that in a long time, and I experience distress often. The college didn't even bother either, or give me the reason as to why her and I were apparently blurring professional boundaries, which doesn't make sense considering my actual personal tutor has contacted me on Facebook messenger before late at night, direct messaged me on Twitter and sent me personal written pieces of his. So really the professional blurring lies with him, not her. This whole thing made me try to ctb and is the reason why I am on this forum. My only hope left is what you said, that she was given no choice in the matter. The college did say it was a "college decision" which made it sound like it came from higher up than her. She hasn't blocked me on Twitter though which makes me feel slightly better. I'm just so angry with the whole thing as she was the first person who actually seemed to get me and didn't go running for the hills when getting to know me.

I could see why you feel you're loveless due to what you have experienced.

I also experienced distress, but it rarely to the point of being suicidal. It becomes my daily thoughts now, unable to escape from it & I can't see how my life could be better even now I'm seeking options.

Sorry I'm a bit confused here: So your personal tutor contacted you regarding your relationship with the girl? Because I can't see how that blurs the professional relationship, so I need more clarification.

Perhaps you could send a low-key message from her and continue communicating from there? I'm not an expert so perhaps my advice is wrong, LOL.

It must be really for you since when you're able to find someone who understands you, the circumstances are trying to break you apart. Hopefully there will be a better relationship with this girl, wish you a good luck.

 

[madbananas]

I could see why you feel you're loveless due to what you have experienced.

I also experienced distress, but it rarely to the point of being suicidal. It becomes my daily thoughts now, unable to escape from it & I can't see how my life could be better even now I'm seeking options.

Sorry I'm a bit confused here: So your personal tutor contacted you regarding your relationship with the girl? Because I can't see how that blurs the professional relationship, so I need more clarification.

Perhaps you could send a low-key message from her and continue communicating from there? I'm not an expert so perhaps my advice is wrong, LOL.

It must be really for you since when you're able to find someone who understands you, the circumstances are trying to break you apart. Hopefully there will be a better relationship with this girl, wish you a good luck.

It's horrible feeling stuck from the suicidal thoughts I get you, even the options available aren't always hopeful.
That's my bad, I didn't explain properly haha. So my personal tutor was absent and we got the woman lecturer as replacement. She was amazing and when my personal tutor returned he obviously didn't like the fact I still preferred to talk to a female, and he couldn't accept that her and I just gel'd better. So next thing I'm pulled into a meeting with my personal tutor and higher up people (not long after I'd been sexually assaulted - another reason I wanted to continue speaking with the woman lecturer) and was told it was inappropriate and my personal tutor's reason was that he felt out the loop. So after that I stopped talking as much to the woman lecturer, we would exchange emails sharing educational stuff and a year later (now) the college all of a sudden told me the school decision was made for her to block me on a social media platform which I have never even contacted her. Although my personal tutor had contacted me on that platform from his personal account rather than his work account. So My personal tutor has contradicted himself. The whole thing makes no sense and oh I would love to contact her but I'm too scared. I've withdrawn from everyone, not answering messages from people on social media. It's just horrible because I disclosed some heavy stuff to this woman lecturer and she is aware I have abandonment issues, and I reckon my personal tutor knows this as well, so it's all really cruel and unnecessary. Hopefully she won't forget about me (I have this thing where I really fear people will forget about me after months of no contact). She did say in the past that I'd be someone she'd be in contact with after I finish college, but now who knows. I feel like I've really been left out in the cold and none of them care.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

In fact, probably the only reason. I've never been loved and I'm tired of being ghosted by people I care about who seem to care about me but then they run for the hills. People who tell you they can trust you, who even spend so much time with you showing you that they are worth it and that the trust you have in them is genuine... and then bam they're gone. No reason given.
It's happened so many times it's become a significant complex trauma. I remember when my dad died, even that didn't feel as bad (was still horrible) because he didn't choose to leave me. Hope that makes sense, but that's how broken I am.

i feel the same. i'm experiencing this and despite all i'm giving to them i'm feeling a shit because of rejection.. i just want to end my life

 

[madbananas]

i feel the same. i'm experiencing this and despite all i'm giving to them i'm feeling a shit because of rejection.. i just want to end my life

sorry you're going through it as well. It is absolute hell. I'm the same, I just want to die. But I can't even bring myself to ctb after the emotional trauma I faced on the back of my last attempt. (Constant but superficial health checks by people who don't really care and having to repeat my Life story over and over again)

 

[letmeseethedeath]

sorry you're going through it as well. It is absolute hell. I'm the same, I just want to die. But I can't even bring myself to ctb after the emotional trauma I faced on the back of my last attempt. (Constant but superficial health checks by people who don't really care and having to repeat my Life story over and over again)

same here. i give all my heart to people who don't care even a lil bit. do you want to pm me so we can talk?

 

[madbananas]

same here. i give all my heart to people who don't care even a lil bit. do you want to pm me so we can talk?

Yes! I'd love that

 

[oivoi]

Dear, I feel exactly as you...
I am SO DECEIVED.
Many people did it, I am feeling it again so I am crying right now...
The wanting of ctb is really bigger right now...

 

[madbananas]

Dear, I feel exactly as you...
I am SO DECEIVED.
Many people did it, I am feeling it again so I am crying right now...
The wanting of ctb is really bigger right now...

It is such a horrible feeling. I'm thankfully getting a break from the crying at the moment but it does come in waves throughout the day. I'm sorry you're going through it too. Seems like we are not alone, going by the other comments on this thread

 

[InterstateFlowers]

I saw someone on Reddit wrote "Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. We build people up. We build people up. We construct these vast, palatial temples in their honor and slowly or rapidly it becomes apparent they don't care. What you've got to realize is this is just a massive trick your brain plays on itself. Investment in lies often feels more important and real than any societal interaction because it's all our brain's own invention. Suffering is inevitable. You'll always be trading one kind for another. That's what we're sold as participants in this imperfect life."

This isn't the full quote but it's the part that means the most to what I think you feel because I think I can relate. I'm just tired of people and building people up in my head as those who I know I can trust. But I'm too ignorant, naive, and stupid to see that some people just don't truly care. If suffering is inevitable, I'm not strong enough to handle it for the rest of my life. I don't care if it's recovering from a failed suicide attempt or being disappointed in humanity or poverty, whatever suffering I'm tired of coping and handling. I'm sure you feel this way too. If it's all in my brain that these people truly care, what does that say about me? I feel such a strong desire for human connection that I'll completely override my common sense to see that person doesn't care at all. What kind of life even is that? I'm sorry, this isn't about me. But I'm sure you can understand the suffering of caring too much.

 

[oivoi]

It is such a horrible feeling. I'm thankfully getting a break from the crying at the moment but it does come in waves throughout the day. I'm sorry you're going through it too. Seems like we are not alone, going by the other comments on this thread

Unfortunately I feel alone 24/7, even more now that I feel so nothing to someone I love... It's so painful...

I saw someone on Reddit wrote "Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. We build people up. We build people up. We construct these vast, palatial temples in their honor and slowly or rapidly it becomes apparent they don't care. What you've got to realize is this is just a massive trick your brain plays on itself. Investment in lies often feels more important and real than any societal interaction because it's all our brain's own invention. Suffering is inevitable. You'll always be trading one kind for another. That's what we're sold as participants in this imperfect life."

This isn't the full quote but it's the part that means the most to what I think you feel because I think I can relate. I'm just tired of people and building people up in my head as those who I know I can trust. But I'm too ignorant, naive, and stupid to see that some people just don't truly care. If suffering is inevitable, I'm not strong enough to handle it for the rest of my life. I don't care if it's recovering from a failed suicide attempt or being disappointed in humanity or poverty, whatever suffering I'm tired of coping and handling. I'm sure you feel this way too. If it's all in my brain that these people truly care, what does that say about me? I feel such a strong desire for human connection that I'll completely override my common sense to see that person doesn't care at all. What kind of life even is that? I'm sorry, this isn't about me. But I'm sure you can understand the suffering of caring too much.

The main problem in my case is when the person SAY she/he loves you, that she/he will not leave you and then pffff they leave you, when you need them more.
Why people are so deceptive? What's the necessity of doing that? It hurts...

 

[Bct]

It's horrible feeling stuck from the suicidal thoughts I get you, even the options available aren't always hopeful.
That's my bad, I didn't explain properly haha. So my personal tutor was absent and we got the woman lecturer as replacement. She was amazing and when my personal tutor returned he obviously didn't like the fact I still preferred to talk to a female, and he couldn't accept that her and I just gel'd better. So next thing I'm pulled into a meeting with my personal tutor and higher up people (not long after I'd been sexually assaulted - another reason I wanted to continue speaking with the woman lecturer) and was told it was inappropriate and my personal tutor's reason was that he felt out the loop. So after that I stopped talking as much to the woman lecturer, we would exchange emails sharing educational stuff and a year later (now) the college all of a sudden told me the school decision was made for her to block me on a social media platform which I have never even contacted her. Although my personal tutor had contacted me on that platform from his personal account rather than his work account. So My personal tutor has contradicted himself. The whole thing makes no sense and oh I would love to contact her but I'm too scared. I've withdrawn from everyone, not answering messages from people on social media. It's just horrible because I disclosed some heavy stuff to this woman lecturer and she is aware I have abandonment issues, and I reckon my personal tutor knows this as well, so it's all really cruel and unnecessary. Hopefully she won't forget about me (I have this thing where I really fear people will forget about me after months of no contact). She did say in the past that I'd be someone she'd be in contact with after I finish college, but now who knows. I feel like I've really been left out in the cold and none of them care.

Yes, because hope isn't something certain & based on experiences, the chance to be better is very low. It's really struggling.

So basically he did it out of jealousy? He has a feeling on you? Because I couldn't see why else he did it. That's really cruel. I could understand why you want to withdrawing. I've also been ghosted by an ex-coworker who used to sit beside me. Didn't have any feelings when we were still on the same office, yet people kept commenting we were fit for each other. Just had the feeling when we both left. At first It was a bit promising, but in the end things went south & she ghosted me. Perhaps I'm not good enough for her & everyone.

I've been also being promised by some girls, but none kept theirs. Perhaps they just said it out of convenience so it's not awkward when they say no.

i feel the same. i'm experiencing this and despite all i'm giving to them i'm feeling a shit because of rejection.. i just want to end my life

Sorry about what you've been going through. I also feel the same. Become hopeless & feeling shitty because of countless rejections.

 

[madbananas]

Yes, because hope isn't something certain & based on experiences, the chance to be better is very low. It's really struggling.

So basically he did it out of jealousy? He has a feeling on you? Because I couldn't see why else he did it. That's really cruel. I could understand why you want to withdrawing. I've also been ghosted by an ex-coworker who used to sit beside me. Didn't have any feelings when we were still on the same office, yet people kept commenting we were fit for each other. Just had the feeling when we both left. At first It was a bit promising, but in the end things went south & she ghosted me. Perhaps I'm not good enough for her & everyone.

I've been also being promised by some girls, but none kept theirs. Perhaps they just said it out of convenience so it's not awkward when they say no.



Sorry about what you've been going through. I also feel the same. Become hopeless & feeling shitty because of countless rejections.

I get the feeling he has been weirdly jealous or hurt by his ego. Either that or he is just been cruel. I think it's the former.
Ugh I hate being ghosted so much, I'm sorry that happened to you as well. So much better when people just state their reason.
It definitely does create hopelessness and feelings of worthlessness.
Hugs

 

[Bct]

I get the feeling he has been weirdly jealous or hurt by his ego. Either that or he is just been cruel. I think it's the former.
Ugh I hate being ghosted so much, I'm sorry that happened to you as well. So much better when people just state their reason.
It definitely does create hopelessness and feelings of worthlessness.
Hugs

Indeed it's too cruel about what he did to you.

I agree it's better to state the reason why it didn't work between us, especially if we aren't stranger to each other. The hopelessness & worthlessness amplifies if we have experienced something similar in the past, because we would think the sole mistake was from us when it may be not true, but we'll never know.

Hug for you too

 

[Krash1990]

I feel your pain:/
I just had the love of my life(under statement) cheat on me after 4 beautiful, incredible years together.
The pain is unbearable.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I feel the same although I ruin my own chances. Rejection and heartache is painful