Feeling regret for getting better

[StrawberryRed]

Sometimes I feel alot of regret for going through so much work to get out of my depression. Honestly I wish I had just killed myself when I wanted to. Im not really that depressed anymore I think I'm just bleak. I dont have alot of hope for my future, I'm so lazy and unmotivated. Honestly I dont see that changing any time soon. It doesnt help that my passion is environmental science. Everytime I learn more it makes me less motivated honestly. I read articles and studies about the things I actually care about and it makes me REALLY wish I had done it. But I won't, not anytime soon at least, because I'm really just straight up not sad enough. Now all I do is study and work and read more stuff that makes me more upset, I had it right before. My life really ISNT worth living. Not to discourage anyone from getting better, it's just my personal story. I know because of the forum im on not alot of u will relate to this hahah.

 

[JRSEchelon]

Sometimes I feel alot of regret for going through so much work to get out of my depression. Honestly I wish I had just killed myself when I wanted to. Im not really that depressed anymore I think I'm just bleak. I dont have alot of hope for my future, I'm so lazy and unmotivated. Honestly I dont see that changing any time soon. It doesnt help that my passion is environmental science. Everytime I learn more it makes me less motivated honestly. I read articles and studies about the things I actually care about and it makes me REALLY wish I had done it. But I won't, not anytime soon at least, because I'm really just straight up not sad enough. Now all I do is study and work and read more stuff that makes me more upset, I had it right before. My life really ISNT worth living. Not to discourage anyone from getting better, it's just my personal story. I know because of the forum im on not alot of u will relate to this hahah.

I can relate, I teeter between getting better and falling back into the thoughts, self harm, researching how I will CTB and so on. It's an ever changing battle in my mind. It's hard but it's important to try and take one day at a time, even one moment because although the thoughts always seem to return and I feel one day it'll push me over the edge I try and do what I can to push through because it's important to try everything you can before doing something that is forever. Sending love your way.