Feeling really guilty

[crystalskies31]

Hi

As I get closer to CTB I start to feel more and more guilty. Is this the dreaded SI?

The following seems to be happening: I anticipate someone will 'catch' me i.e. keep getting paranoid.
However, that's currently unlikely, though of course, very important to not be caught.

Can anyone PM me any ideas for booking trips and how to talk (or not) about them to friends, so as to not be caught? (I only say PM as I'm paranoid someone I know will see this somehow). I am worried I've written too much here already.

I also feel really guilty (which I think is superstitiously making me paranoid) and anxious.
Firstly, there is 1 family member, who I feel it will be very sad for.
Secondly, I feel v guilty for whoever finds me.
The two things above make me feel like if I get caught I'd deserve it.
It's out of character for me, but I'm desperate.
Anyone else get that?

Some questions I would love thoughts on:
How short notice can one book a place and say they're away for [x days] without it being suspect either with the people or friends?
How do I calm down in the time leading up/before?
How do I not become emotional?

It's really important for me to not be caught, so please send tips. Thank you.
I am in a weird limbo where I want to do it ASAP but also not be suspect and also finish doing stuff. I'm a bit pressed for time

Like my genuine preferences are

1. die
2. live
3. be caught

I genuinely just want to do it - not seek attention - yet kind of hate self for thinking about it
I could not deal with the shame. I already hate my life enough

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, I understand the fear of being caught. In general, the fear of failure is the main thing that holds me back from ctb. I wish that we lived in a world where we could just pass away peacefully without the fear of things not going to plan. The survival instinct really can be so frustrating as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. I can imagine that it must be awful dealing with so much guilt. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Can anyone PM me any ideas for booking trips and how to talk (or not) about them to friends, so as to not be caught? (I only say PM as I'm paranoid someone I know will see this somehow). I am worried I've written too much here already.

If there is some place you've always wanted to go to.

The two things above make me feel like if I get caught I'd deserve it.

You don't deserve to suffer. I hope people would be sympathetic, otherwise its heartless.

How short notice can one book a place and say they're away for [x days] without it being suspect either with the people or friends?

I don't think it'll be suspicious unless they already think you might self-harm. I think most people are clueless, as when people ctb it tends to catch people off guard.

"How do I calm down in the time leading up/before?"
How do I not become emotional?

Once you've decided you might feel a sense of relief. It's ok to be emotional, it can open floodgates that may change your mind, be careful either way.

I could not deal with the shame. I already hate my life enough

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

[crystalskies31]

I don't think it'll be suspicious unless they already think you might self-harm. I think most people are clueless, as when people ctb it tends to catch people off guard.

Don't want to post too much info but some people do know I've had thoughts about CTB recently

Once you've decided you might feel a sense of relief. It's ok to be emotional, it can open floodgates that may change your mind, be careful either way.

Yeah. I keep having more mood swings than usual.

 

[MellowAvenue]

As I get closer to CTB I start to feel more and more guilty. Is this the dreaded SI?

It might be a part of it. I think you also know deep down that if you do it you are going to hurt the people you care about assuming they actually cared about you. Obviously leaving a suicide note may help them know it wasn't their fault but that doesn't make the pain easier.

Can anyone PM me any ideas for booking trips and how to talk (or not) about them to friends, so as to not be caught? (I only say PM as I'm paranoid someone I know will see this somehow).

Just try and play it cool and be yourself. Maybe tell them you feel you need the vacation to help yourself if they really do pry a bit. I'd still say certain common sense things apply though (IE if you do it, do it at a time where they aren't likely to call to check in on you.)

How short notice can one book a place and say they're away for [x days] without it being suspect either with the people or friends?

Don't want to post too much info but some people do know I've had thoughts about CTB recently

How recent? If we're talking a few days ago, Maybe hold off or book something for a few weeks out, just so that way by the time you go their minds are a bit more at ease and you can maybe convince them you're past that. Your mind might be more at ease about it by that point or you might actually decide against it and now have a little trip to look forward to assuming you don't cancel it.

How do I calm down in the time leading up/before?
How do I not become emotional?

A lot of people don't really calm down until they have truly accepted that they're going to do it, and that is practically an unpredictable light switch in and of itself. That said, journaling or putting yourself in a situation where you aren't in your own head seems to help a lot of people here. Music is a popular one for that it seems, kinda drowning the thoughts out until they subside. Some obviously use drugs or alcohol but if you have no prior experience with those I wouldn't recommend.

 

[crystalskies31]

It might be a part of it. I think you also know deep down that if you do it you are going to hurt the people you care about assuming they actually cared about you. Obviously leaving a suicide note may help them know it wasn't their fault but that doesn't make the pain easier.



Just try and play it cool and be yourself. Maybe tell them you feel you need the vacation to help yourself if they really do pry a bit. I'd still say certain common sense things apply though (IE if you do it, do it at a time where they aren't likely to call to check in on you.)





How recent? If we're talking a few days ago, Maybe hold off or book something for a few weeks out, just so that way by the time you go their minds are a bit more at ease and you can maybe convince them you're past that. Your mind might be more at ease about it by that point or you might actually decide against it and now have a little trip to look forward to assuming you don't cancel it.



A lot of people don't really calm down until they have truly accepted that they're going to do it, and that is practically an unpredictable light switch in and of itself. That said, journaling or putting yourself in a situation where you aren't in your own head seems to help a lot of people here. Music is a popular one for that it seems, kinda drowning the thoughts out until they subside. Some obviously use drugs or alcohol but if you have no prior experience with those I wouldn't recommend.

Thanks this is really good advice and I really appreciated it

 

[Weebster]

Guilty of what? We are better than normies. Normies aren't people like us.