Venting feeling like shit

[OhhDrugzZ]

It's been some time since my last post eh? Anyways... here is my goofy ahh vent plz dont read


I've managed to turn my life around. I've literally turned from a "couch potato" who once weighed 190 kg! into someone who regularly hits the gym and has lost 100 kg in a little over a year.

I've improved myself in every way I could think of, and thus I've been doing quite well health wise. Yet I still feel like shit every single day. I'm still dissociating most of the time. I still hear my mom's voice in my head all screaming and shouting at me (plz stfu) from all her fuckin' episodes (I'm 100% convinced she has BPD btw). Still "replaying" old scenarios, like from my time in the homeless shelter - best time I have ever had at like 16? - Very fun 10/10 would definitely want to experience that again.

Also, I kinda lost myself in the process of losing weight? Eating is often times kinda disgusting honestly. Like, have you seen how many calories some stuff actually has? It's insane.

I'm tired of pretending. I dont even know why I'm typing this (probably cuz I'm bored and I have no one I could talk to and I'm a little drunk?) But on the flip side, I'm having fun playing video games again - yay
Oh, and I have also gained access to chat - so if anyone is interested in chatting with me, feel free to hit me up :]

 

[finaldestination22]

I get it. I've fallen into the same trap as you, If I do more I will receive more. If I get richer I will be happier because I can do what I want, If I improve my body I will get more sex and get out more so life will be great.
If I do more business I will feel much more productive and fulfilled. No. Nothing really worked and all it did was to cause more noise and confusion in my head.
I learned that traumas does not really heal through action or inaction but more by listening to it like a nabbing friend, talking to it and connecting and realising that yeah I know you're still fucked up but we have to move on. slowly but we have to

Going from 0 to 100 quick when you have trauma can mess you up more as the result does not align whit your inner self. it's also why experience impostor syndrome etc

 

[OhhDrugzZ]

I get it. I've fallen into the same trap as you, If I do more I will receive more. If I get richer I will be happier because I can do what I want, If I improve my body I will get more sex and get out more so life will be great.
If I do more business I will feel much more productive and fulfilled. No. Nothing really worked and all it did was to cause more noise and confusion in my head.
I learned that traumas does not really heal through action or inaction but more by listening to it like a nabbing friend, talking to it and connecting and realising that yeah I know you're still fucked up but we have to move on. slowly but we have to

Going from 0 to 100 quick when you have trauma can mess you up more as the result does not align whit your inner self. it's also why experience impostor syndrome etc

It's honestly kind of disgusting how much I can relate to this (except the sex part D: ). You managed to say what I couldn't. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're going through this too <3