Venting feeling like nothing without them

[meandthebirds]

i recently got into an argument with my boyfriend. it started because of a silly little thing and because he was angry, he just kept on adding onto the situation. bringing up stuff that was completely irrelevant. and it just made me feel so small? like so worthless, i was so scared that he was going to leave me and i kept blaming myself. it's like, as soon as someone angry or disappointed with me i immediately assume that they're going to abandon me. and if i don't have this person, i have nothing left. it's like my entire world shuts down. it might sound a bit silly, but i've felt this over people i have only known for a couple months. i have serious attachment issues and that is also the reason why i get so sensitive when i think i'm losing this special person.
i have self harmed and tried to kill myself many times because of the same reason. of course, that's not the only reason i feel suicidal but one of many. i really just feel like i'm existing for other people. when these ppl are upset with me i don't see any reason to live. it's pathetic, i know. but i don't know how to change it. i'm not happy with myself. i don't want to live by myself. i just want to experience the warmth of equally returned love. but because of how i am, i don't think i ever will.
nothing i'm writing makes sense anymore, i don't even think my feelings r making any sense. i'm so sick of depending on other ppl to make me happy lolol but that's just how ive always been. i still love my bf very much, maybe more than i should. and ending stuff with him to "improve and work on myself" or smth, would not make me happier at all. it just hurts everytime we argue over stupid stuff. im tired of always worrying. i wish i could be an independant person but i'm not.
i just need to much constant attention, validation and approval. i don't think anyone in my life understands that. feeling hopeless atm. ://

 

[Ferret77]

I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible. My mood always depends on the people that are special to me and usually it's specifically this one person. Literally minimum effort makes me so happy and if they don't text me for a while or act cold to me, I immediately feel like I'm gonna die. It's always so intense and I've tried to stop it, but I just can't. And the worse thing is, that recently, my boyfriend broke up with me. The only person that mattered to me and I've lost them. I even attempted, because of that.
I feel like my life has no meaning right now. I don't know why I'm never enough for anyone....

 

[Rockman]

Hey @meandthebirds
If you are still in old enviroment many of your old people understand that shit, it comes from but they are too broken to care and communicate properly about any relationship.

Look into personality disorders/ trauma bonding psychology shit if you want to dig in shit hole more and understand how it works. But the warning is scene is not for sensitive viewers.

 

[meandthebirds]

I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible. My mood always depends on the people that are special to me and usually it's specifically this one person. Literally minimum effort makes me so happy and if they don't text me for a while or act cold to me, I immediately feel like I'm gonna die. It's always so intense and I've tried to stop it, but I just can't. And the worse thing is, that recently, my boyfriend broke up with me. The only person that mattered to me and I've lost them. I even attempted, because of that.
I feel like my life has no meaning right now. I don't know why I'm never enough for anyone....

right, it's such an exhausting feeling. i really wish the best for you though, and hopefully you'll find a person that will make u happy and stick around ♥

Look into personality disorders/ trauma bonding psychology shit if you want to dig in shit hole more and understand how it works. But the warning is scene is not for sensitive viewers.

to be fair, i've been in therapy before and have been tested for borderline personality disorder. although i tested negative, i'm sure there must be some disorder my therapists haven't discovered ahah

thank u tho!! i'll definitely read about it♥