Venting feeling like im relapsing

[forget.m3.hxxrt]

as expected, this site is the only place i can feel comfort when i feel so alone. even if i'm shouting into the void, the thought of someone or anyone possibly stumbling across this helps.

i left this site maybe a year ago because my life was finally looking up. i felt ready and even though i still had my crash outs, i didn't feel like i needed someone to support me through it.

recently, i guess a lot of stress has been piling up from school (of course it's school) i feel that because i recovered once, (and it seems like i might be relapsing,) i have less of the right to "be depressed" again. i saw the pain in my closest friend's eyes and i never want to do that to her again. at the same time, i lay in bed thinking about how i just want to die. i feel like i can't openly show how bad it gets sometimes because i don't want her to be borderline traumatized by the thought of me disappearing again yknow.

with the fact that i'm studying abroad (woo!) i genuinely thought my life was gonna get better. nope! being literally kilometers away from my closest friends and having difficulty connecting to people in a new country is really smth... and it definitely does a lot to my mental health in the negative direction. i dont know why i thought it'd be better. maybe because it's a new beginning or a fresh start. idk. being an adult highkey sucks idk why i wished for this when i was younger :/

i have a boyfriend back home too. the time difference is so fucked like genuinely when im asleep hes awake and vise versa. we try to make time for eachother which has gone prettyyyy decent but recently i've been getting so busy that i haven't had much time. the part that scares me is that just me being a little more busy than usual is making me crash out so hard. three minutes ago, i was sobbing into my pillow because i started my day with a terrible nightmare (i had to chop up my bf and sew him back together while being chased by a serial killer in the dream ) and that set the worst tone for my day.

i wish i could communicate better to him. communication has always been so hard for me. when i don't, i feel like i'm going to become a bad person again because in the past, i lost a lot of friends from being manipulative and toxic due to the fact that i couldn't communicate my feelings. i don't wanna be like that. i want to treat him the way he deserves, but he's busy and i didn't let him know about my crash out. i knoe that if i told him, he'd drop what he's doing to comfort me but its so hard since he's actively doing something else.

like maybe i'm being overly dramatic but all of this piling up genuinely makes me want to kill myself. it's so easy too because i like on the 8th floor and i could totally just jump but my conciousness won't let me and i don't want to let myself get to that point either. i just want to feel better. i just kind of want anyone to listen i guess.

i'm scared of relapsing but to be honest, ive been noticing signs for the past month. it started out with everything feeling mundane and having no meaning and now all of a sudden, i'm crashing out over the tiniest inconveniences. i can't sleep until late hours and i've been feeling too fucking lazy to do anything. i scroll on instagram reels (thankfully they havent been giving me depressing reels) and bedrot all day. i don't fucking want this. i want to be happy and enjoy this new country im studying in. i want to stop feeling this way but i literally can't bro.

 

[kiwimochii]

Wouldn't you help your bf if he asked for comfort despite you being busy yourself? How would you feel if you know he's holding himself back to not be a bother to you? I'm pretty sure he would feel the same way. It's good that you have someone you can lean on when things look down, don't assume it would be hard for them. Maybe all you need is a few words of comfort, maybe not, irrespective of whether or not that's what you need, it wouldn't hurt to reach out would it?
It's fine to rely on your loved ones to feel better, it's not selfish or inconsiderate of you. Don't overthink it. I'm sure he'll be glad you asked for help

 

[forget.m3.hxxrt]

Wouldn't you help your bf if he asked for comfort despite you being busy yourself? How would you feel if you know he's holding himself back to not be a bother to you? I'm pretty sure he would feel the same way. It's good that you have someone you can lean on when things look down, don't assume it would be hard for them. Maybe all you need is a few words of comfort, maybe not, irrespective of whether or not that's what you need, it wouldn't hurt to reach out would it?
It's fine to rely on your loved ones to feel better, it's not selfish or inconsiderate of you. Don't overthink it. I'm sure he'll be glad you asked for help

i guess i was too focused on my own perspective. youre right, thanks for pointing that out. it's kind of scary to reach out but i'll try. the anxiety of being rejected in some way or form keeps me from reaching out sometimes :/