Feeling like I can't go through with it.

[Hope:-)]

I have SO many life problems with either no answer or very little hope for an answer. However I can't shake this nagging feeling that I'm not actually going to go through with ctb. I'm worried I'll never do it and I I'll just be stuck like this for life. Anyone feel the same? :-/

 

[jossstick]

It's fine to feel like this, and it most likely means you're not ready to ctb just yet. You'll know when you are ready, and if you never are, then that's ok too. It's a very personal and individual thing. Don't put pressure yourself about it, it makes it worse.

 

[Pedronte]

I do. I didn't buy anything yet because of this feeling. But when I do, the hesitation will go away. It'll be a point of no return.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

There's a big gap between totally hopeless and CTB. If there were a bottle of N sitting next to me right now I would certainly consider it. But there's always something easier to do like eat something or take a nap or play some more chess online, watch another video on YouTube. Unless the building is on fire nothing forcing me to jump.

 

[ewigeruhe]

For me there is nothing holding me back. I have ordered my SN now and put my rope away for now as soon as it arrives i will take it unfortunately i can't be bothered to get all the other meds.

 

[Hope:-)]

Well,I'm gonna have to do it. I can't go on like this. Just gotta edge closer to it each day. First things first, I need to move into my own place. I'm ordering the sn the first day I'm there. Then I have to get the anti emetics. Will do that the first week I'm there. I'm hoping it will suddenly feel right

 

[ewigeruhe]

Well,I'm gonna have to do it. I can't go on like this. Just gotta edge closer to it each day. First things first, I need to move into my own place. I'm ordering the sn the first day I'm there. Then I have to get the anti emetics. Will do that the first week I'm there. I'm hoping it will suddenly feel right

Godspeed brother. I think for me the anti emetics are not so imprtant because i have a ntural high salt and stomach tolerance. I guess being a borderline alcoholic the major part of my life did me good in this regard. Only thing I'll do is water fasting for 48 hours.

 

[chronicallybroken]

Yes I feel the same. It's a horrible limbo

 

[Hope:-)]

What do you think the difference between being totally hopeless and not really even surviving life is and of being at the point at which someone actually ctb is? I want to close the gap.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

What do you think the difference between being totally hopeless and not really even surviving life is and of being at the point at which someone actually ctb is? I want to close the gap.

I don't know… Human beings can with stand a lot of misery and still persist… Just look at homeless people or people in prison or people in chronic excruciating pain… I've spent the past year Laying on my couch doing nothing all day long and I'm not even close to ending things… It's just too much trouble… Easier to close my eyes and try to sleep… Pretending I'm not doomed… Layers of delusion peeling back revealing truth … When I would do hallucinogenic mushrooms sometimes I would CAll it "staring into the abyss" when the truth would be revealed… And I always knew that once the high wore off I would go back to the delusion… Now I am staring into the abyss all the time…

 

[Ash’Girl]

I often think things like "If I had a gun, I'd be gone" or "if I had a bottle of N I'd drink it right now".

Truth is I don't know. I think I know, but then I can't actually know for sure because these methods are not available to me.

There are a few other potentials that are available to me, but they're risky, and I don't want to fail. I do think about them fairly constantly.

Partial, I practice, in the hope that I'll get there. That the more I get used to attempting, the easier SI will be to overcome. I know there are risks with this but I don't care if I "accidentally" die on one of my "practice" attempts, but sometimes thinking of it as practice helps push away the SI. I think I'm trying to desensitise myself to it. It also stops me from bemoaning the sense of failure if I just shrug and think, it was a practice run.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes. In my case I think that if leaving this life behind was not so difficult, I would already be gone. As I have mentioned before many times, my reason for still being here is the fear of the method failing and having limited access to methods in general. Those with N and SN are lucky.

The only methods available to me are horrible ones, and this is the fault of the cruel and selfish society that denies the right to die. Dying should certainly be easier, and none of us should ever have to suffer. The thought of being trapped in this life for many more years is so dreadful. In non existence, there is true peace and freedom from everything and to die is the best possible thing.

 

[DesperateStruggler]

Honestly it really is such a hassle I don't even know where to begin, but I have the feeling that I will have the will and courage to go through with it someday, I just wish there was some button you could push to end it all, or sleep to never wake up.

 

[ojinzo]

I have SO many life problems with either no answer or very little hope for an answer. However I can't shake this nagging feeling that I'm not actually going to go through with ctb. I'm worried I'll never do it and I I'll just be stuck like this for life. Anyone feel the same? :-/

Thanks for sharing. This post hit very close because I feel the same exact way.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Honestly it really is such a hassle I don't even know where to begin, but I have the feeling that I will have the will and courage to go through with it someday, I just wish there was some button you could push to end it all, or sleep to never wake up.

I wish I was a really old person on a lot of medication to stay alive so that I could just stop

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I wish I was a really old person on a lot of medication to stay alive so that I could just stop

My grandfather did that soon after my grandmother died. He was on heart and lung meds and just stopped. That would be convenient if our default state was dead and staying alive is what took effort.

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with it at the moment. It comes and goes. I have these moments where I think 'who are you kidding? Like you could put up with the physical pain' but the truth is I could die a painful death anyway. That happened to my mother. Feel pretty focused at the moment on why it's a good idea.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you have a feeling that you're not going to ctb, then you shouldn't even attempt ctb. Nothing good is going to come from that mixture. If you're not ready, you're just not ready. It's really as simple as that. go live and make the most of it. Maybe life will kick you some more and get rid of your doubts.

 

[whitefeather]

For me there is nothing holding me back. I have ordered my SN now and put my rope away for now as soon as it arrives i will take it unfortunately i can't be bothered to get all the other meds.

SN works just fine all by itself - well documented on this site.

 

[Hope:-)]

Really wish I hadn't read this thread on here about someone who had a really bad time on sn....

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I feel this way too. Spend so much of the day obsessing about just ending it and all the available methods.

When I first came across SN, I felt a glimmer of hope- something that seemed a little less violent than many of the other methods. Still, I haven't got as far as ordering it yet. It's weird- when I first looked into buying it online and was met with difficulties (many places seem to want proof of being a school/business where I live), there was a small part of me that felt relieved. I don't know why because I'm sure I do want to end it. (I've been suicidal for 32 years).

I don't know. It's just awful to think I'm going to go on and on like this. Plus, I'm pretty certain things will only get worse. I was so sure I would die young too. My Mum died aged 40. I'm 42 now. I was so pissed off when I got past 40.

It's so sad to see so many of us suffering our way through our lives. Still, I'm grateful for the mutually unhappy company here.

 

[Hope:-)]

Genuinely feel like I'll always be too scared to do it. That means I'll just be stuck here. Depressed tbh.

 

[Idontmatter]

Genuinely feel like I'll always be too scared to do it. That means I'll just be stuck here. Depressed tbh.

I'm determined to go through with it. Somehow I'll beat SI.

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm determined to go through with it. Somehow I'll beat SI.

I'm trying to be like that too.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm trying to be like that too.

It's not easy. If I was single it would be easier for me.

 

[Hope:-)]

It's not easy. If I was single it would be easier for me.

I'm single and truthfully I'm still struggling. Some people have a thing about death, but my thing is about physical pain. It's what holds me back. Plus, I really don't want to fail. They'd shove me in a psych ward even though side effects from psychiatric medication are what led me to this place in the first place. It's hard, but like I said I'm trying to be determined.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm single and truthfully I'm still struggling. Some people have a thing about death, but my thing is about physical pain. It's what holds me back. Plus, I really don't want to fail. They'd shove me in a psych ward even though side effects from psychiatric medication are what led me to this place in the first place. It's hard, but like I said I'm trying to be determined.

I definitely can relate and I'm with you. Whenever you need to talk you know I'm always here. SN is the only method I'm brave enough to try.

 

[Cerulea]

Really wish I hadn't read this thread on here about someone who had a really bad time on sn....

Do you happen to remember where you saw this? I haven't come across this but I would like to read their experience.

 

[emgrl]

It's not easy. If I was single it would be easier for me.

I'm single and truthfully I'm still struggling. Some people have a thing about death, but my thing is about physical pain. It's what holds me back. Plus, I really don't want to fail. They'd shove me in a psych ward even though side effects from psychiatric medication are what led me to this place in the first place. It's hard, but like I said I'm trying to be determined.

I'm single too, and it's not going to be easy. I feel like when we all saw the method, we were in awe and felt like our nightmares could finally be over. Then we researched, and saw it to really work… then we went down the rabbit hole and learned Too much. Details about things that can freak anyone out.
I, too, just really don't want to fail… I think there are two things that will make this method successful- ingest enough, and don't get found/call for help.
Love and peace to you all

 

[Cerulea]

I'm single and truthfully I'm still struggling. Some people have a thing about death, but my thing is about physical pain. It's what holds me back. Plus, I really don't want to fail. They'd shove me in a psych ward even though side effects from psychiatric medication are what led me to this place in the first place. It's hard, but like I said I'm trying to be determined.

The fear and concern around medically traumatizing events is very real. I am so thankful that I have a few different avenues to ensure that I can execute on this without interruption or intervention. I've also been doing as much research as possible on what my rights cover in the event I find myself in that position. The more I know about what exactly they can or can't do is far more comforting. I've also got a therapist who I believe would advocate for my release should it come to that.

Physical pain or emotional pain, it's just...it's a lot. I don't know anyone who genuinely enjoys being alive during this time. I do, however, know a lot of people who express self compassion via their willingness to discuss their end of life details. The lack of physical pain or discomfort is the primary reason I'm drawn to SN. I can force a drink down and I can deal with the intrusive thoughts that come along with it. That's where my threshold of mental trickery ends.