Feeling i'm getting close

[Rotten Soul]

First post, sorry if not intended here and for the english.
Lately I am noticing how bad my life has been going, I know that it may not seem like much but for me it is. I started smoking just to get some peace of mind knowing fully that I'm ruining my future, if I ever had one. My mind is killing me, I feel that it will not let me be happy anymore, I can't stop overthinking every single thing and feeling envy for the happiness of others, last year I never thought I was capable of crying so much, it became an almost daily occurrence for me but it never stops feeling so awful, accompanied with the nights that I can't sleep because of these thoughts it feels horrible. Worst of all, I still have hope that things will change, knowing that it is an impossible dream, it has been like that for the last few months. This week I realized how irrelevant I am to the few people I thought cared, I was always a nuisance and nothing would ever have changed if i had not existed. Despite the fact that I can no longer enjoy any hobbies or anything at all, I used to enjoy reading and I remember a line from the Myth of Sisyphus that i quote:
"But if it is hard to fix the precise instant, the subtle step when the mind opted for death, it is easier to deduce from the act itself the consequences it implies."
I feel like my mind has already opted for death, I'm not sure about anything but it's a feeling I can't get rid of. I'm going to finish some pending things and then I'll see if I'm really ready to ctb.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[Lulzacruel]

Welcome to sasu and happy first post!

I feel like my mind has already opted for death, I'm not sure about anything but it's a feeling I can't get rid of. I'm going to finish some pending things and then I'll see if I'm really ready to ctb.

The decision to CTB depends on everyones situation.

CTB is a serious decision, the most serious you will ever make in your lifetime (pun half-intended)

Make sure you have no other options before doing CTB.

 

[Rotten Soul]

The decision to CTB depends on everyones situation.

CTB is a serious decision, the most serious you will ever make in your lifetime (pun half-intended)

Make sure you have no other options before doing CTB.

Thank you for your answer, I appreciate those words.
I understand that I don't express myself very well and I make it seem like something not so important and maybe I'm confused or I can't see it well but I think I know what my situation is and I feel lost in it, it's been several months and I've really been trying but the attempts always end in nothing and I know that it's my fault and my fault only, but I really don't know what other options there would be, I can't see them, I think of dying as a peaceful way out of all this.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and dreadful what you have to endure but anyway best wishes, to me it's awful how people have to suffer so much in this existence.