Help Feeling horrible

[Stinkyrat]

Hi lol This is my first post here
I just Wonder if anyone feels the same like me
I want to leave since kindergarden which was the first time as well for me to attempt leaving by poisoning myself
And nothing really has changed ever since
I still want to leave it's just easier for me to hide my feelings and handle situations less emotionally than before
I don't really know what to do..
I can't find a job & I have to pay like 7k+ health insurance
I Love working a lot so I've been trying really hard to get a job but it just doesn't work.. since half a year lol
I hate myself always did
I have very violent imaginations about hurting myself in different ways
But I have to stay away from it
I used to hurt myself for years and the only way for me to hurt myself atm is with stuff that is not considered selfharm to other people around me which makes things even harder for me
Since I am like the caretaker for everyone..
I guess that's it for now
I don't even know what I want to achieve by posting this .. I guess I just wanted to get some of the things in my head out

( sorry for my bad English )

 

[isitjustme]

Hi lol This is my first post here
I just Wonder if anyone feels the same like me
I want to leave since kindergarden which was the first time as well for me to attempt leaving by poisoning myself
And nothing really has changed ever since
I still want to leave it's just easier for me to hide my feelings and handle situations less emotionally than before
I don't really know what to do..
I can't find a job & I have to pay like 7k+ health insurance
I Love working a lot so I've been trying really hard to get a job but it just doesn't work.. since half a year lol
I hate myself always did
I have very violent imaginations about hurting myself in different ways
But I have to stay away from it
I used to hurt myself for years and the only way for me to hurt myself atm is with stuff that is not considered selfharm to other people around me which makes things even harder for me
Since I am like the caretaker for everyone..
I guess that's it for now
I don't even know what I want to achieve by posting this .. I guess I just wanted to get some of the things in my head out

( sorry for my bad English )

I honestly did not know it was possible to be suicidal at such a young age. In fact I had never even entertained the thought. To me it happened in my mid-twenties.



Though the thing that I really can relate to is the part about being the caretaker. It can take a toll of always having to prioritize others, not to mention the constant pressure you feel under. Have you tried looking/asking for help? Sorry for asking but people who have a big sense of responsibility usually tend to keep everything inside and can blow up from all that pressure.

Are you willing to discuss more the work situation? 6 months is not an unusual amount of time to be in between jobs in some cases, though if you don't have an emergency stash to get through it and you lost your job unexpectedly then it can feel like an eternity (especially for someone in the role of a provider/caretaker).

 

[Lost Magic]

Take some time to rest and recover. You don't always have to push yourself so hard. Try to take a step back and look after yourself. You sound exhausted. I know that feeling. Maybe a short break would help. Sometimes getting a break for myself gives me more clarity than usual. Peace

 

[Sweet Tart]

Seems like for so many people, being put in a caretaker role comes with being taught to ignore one's own needs. Idk if it's similar for you, but some of your words seemed familiar to my experience.

Idk how you came up with your username but I'm a big fan of pet rats

 

[Stinkyrat]

I honestly did not know it was possible to be suicidal at such a young age. In fact I had never even entertained the thought. To me it happened in my mid-twenties.



Though the thing that I really can relate to is the part about being the caretaker. It can take a toll of always having to prioritize others, not to mention the constant pressure you feel under. Have you tried looking/asking for help? Sorry for asking but people who have a big sense of responsibility usually tend to keep everything inside and can blow up from all that pressure.

Are you willing to discuss more the work situation? 6 months is not an unusual amount of time to be in between jobs in some cases, though if you don't have an emergency stash to get through it and you lost your job unexpectedly then it can feel like an eternity (especially for someone in the role of a provider/caretaker).

I don't really know either if I noticed at that age what I was trying to do as in I don't know if I knew that trying to kill myself would make me vanish forever
But I can remember the day exactly
It was my birthday and all the guests children as well oBv just disliked me
So I got bullied by them in my own safe place for the first time to the point I left my own room for them to celebrate it without me and watched from outside that's why I tried it
I want to mention as well that I went trough really bad bullying from getting my hair cut to being sexually abused n stuff like that

About the work situation have to Pay some stuff because of health insurance I did go to some appointments to somehow get help but sadly there's no way around that's what they told me if I can't pay it within 15 days there are consequences I don't even know what consequences
I did. mention my situation and that I have 0 money it just didn't matter lol
They told me if I can't pay it I have to somehow get the money from someone or in whatever way
but atleast I don't have to pay as much as being said before .. problem is I only have 3$ left on my bank account so I really really need a job NOW
I even applied to shitty jobs .. I have another job interview in 4 days but I just don't have any hope left atm

Seems like for so many people, being put in a caretaker role comes with being taught to ignore one's own needs. Idk if it's similar for you, but some of your words seemed familiar to my experience.

Idk how you came up with your username but I'm a big fan of pet rats

Generally I'd say I put myself last but throughout the years I did learn to atleast protect myself a little more than before
So I guess you are right about the similarities

Thank you x) my online friends gave me the nickname RAT and I added the Stinky because it just fits well

Take some time to rest and recover. You don't always have to push yourself so hard. Try to take a step back and look after yourself. You sound exhausted. I know that feeling. Maybe a short break would help. Sometimes getting a break for myself gives me more clarity than usual. Peace

Thank you a lot for your words
I do appreciate it when people tell me to look after myself and other nice things just like taking some time to rest but often I just can't do it.. usually I'm busy till around midnight sometimes even longer such as yesterday till 3-4 am
I do try my best but most of the time it just doesn't work when having so many tasks to do a day for other people

 

[isitjustme]

Wow..you seem to have gone through some horrible times. So sorry to hear that. I really hope those people get their karma bill slammed in their stupid faces.

As for the debt situation please look into it. The way they seem to be going about it it looks like they are a debt collection agency? If whoever you owed the money to initially sold the debt to them then I wouldn't worry. They seem to be trying to intimidate you. If that's the case and if this is a collections agency do some research online on how to deal with it but to my knowledge there is no way for them to get the money from you if you play it right.

If the debt was not sold to a third party do the research anyway in case it happens down the line.

In any case I wouldn't worry excessively at these veiled threats. Just keep looking for a job and deal with the debt when you are able to.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I honestly did not know it was possible to be suicidal at such a young age. In fact I had never even entertained the thought. To me it happened in my mid-twenties.

I remember having my first suicidal thoughts at 6 years old. I said things that scared my parents.

 

[Stinkyrat]

Wow..you seem to have gone through some horrible times. So sorry to hear that. I really hope those people get their karma bill slammed in their stupid faces.

As for the debt situation please look into it. The way they seem to be going about it it looks like they are a debt collection agency? If whoever you owed the money to initially sold the debt to them then I wouldn't worry. They seem to be trying to intimidate you. If that's the case and if this is a collections agency do some research online on how to deal with it but to my knowledge there is no way for them to get the money from you if you play it right.

If the debt was not sold to a third party do the research anyway in case it happens down the line.

In any case I wouldn't worry excessively at these veiled threats. Just keep looking for a job and deal with the debt when you are able to.

Thank you for your nice words


I don't know tbh all I know and what's been told to me is that I've done nothing illegal so it's not like they can sue me or anything for now but I have no idea what happens when I don't pay and I'm really scared literally so anxious to even go to the doctor because that means more stuff to pay.. even tho I need medical treatment for a surgery I had lol
I just really hope I somehow can work things out as soon as possible
Pay what they want from me and then quit my health insurance
Because all people I know even my neighbors are telling me that I have the worst contract and that their daughter had a similar issue with the same company :/ but she " only " had to pay 700

I remember having my first suicidal thoughts at 6 years old. I said things that scared my parents.

I can relate really well to this
So sorry to hear this I wish you a lot of strength and love

May I ask how you are feeling about this at the moment?

 

[isitjustme]

Thank you for your nice words


I don't know tbh all I know and what's been told to me is that I've done nothing illegal so it's not like they can sue me or anything for now but I have no idea what happens when I don't pay and I'm really scared literally so anxious to even go to the doctor because that means more stuff to pay.. even tho I need medical treatment for a surgery I had lol
I just really hope I somehow can work things out as soon as possible
Pay what they want from me and then quit my health insurance
Because all people I know even my neighbors are telling me that I have the worst contract and that their daughter had a similar issue with the same company :/ but she " only " had to pay 700

They can definitely sue you (and if they do and they are a collections agency you should go cause they usually have no legal way of reclaiming the debt, they bank on you not presenting to court and them getting default judgement). The point is if you have no money they can sue you all they want but it will not lead them anywhere. Maybe they would get the option to garnish your wages once you get a job but that's it.

I understand worrying about it cause you seem to be a very ethical person, but don't think you will end up in jail or anything. Being broke is not illegal.

I do wish you the best though, you definitely deserve a break.

 

[Stinkyrat]

They can definitely sue you (and if they do and they are a collections agency you should go cause they usually have no legal way of reclaiming the debt, they bank on you not presenting to court and them getting default judgement). The point is if you have no money they can sue you all they want but it will not lead them anywhere. Maybe they would get the option to garnish your wages once you get a job but that's it.

I understand worrying about it cause you seem to be a very ethical person, but don't think you will end up in jail or anything. Being broke is not illegal.

I do wish you the best though, you definitely deserve a break.

Ugh.. I just really hope I get the job in 4 days .. thank you a lot for giving me some more information on this topic
Because everyone was kinda saying something else
I didn't expect to get so many nice and long replies I hope you know how much you helped me with your messages !

I do wish you all the best in the world as well :) stay safe and try to take care of yourself