Venting Feeling guilty because of my family

[SeventyNine]

Hi everyone.
So, to start this rant off, I am 18 years old and an only child. I've had several mental illnesses since I was little. I am pretty much done with life.
My next academic year begins in September. It would be my last year in high school and I'd spend it preparing for my graduation exams in April. I know I can't do it. Last year I spent almost all of my academic year in psych ward, because I couldn't handle the pressure anymore and kept breaking down.
That's why I plan on catching the bus near the end of August, just before my summer break ends. I already have everything I need to do it, and for the first time in my life, it feels so wonderful.

Except one thing. My parents, especially my mum, are very attached to me, since I'm their only child. I know it will absolutely destroy them when I CTB - they told me so several times.
My mom's life used to be very unhappy. She used to be severely abused by her own parents, forced to pursue a career she despises, and ended up with severe health issues because of it. She doesn't deserve the pain it will bring her. I don't want anybody to feel like I do.

I would have very likely ended things a long time ago, if it wasn't for my family. I have done everything I could - I prepared a letter explaining everything and telling them that I love them, I'm planning to rent a hotel room so they won't have to find my body.
But even so, I feel so stuck. There's no way I can stay alive. I've decided. But even accepting it doesn't ease the horrific guilt I feel. I don't want to ruin anyone else's life, especially if it's my loving family, but it seems inevitable.

I know it's no use crying over this - I'll just have to come to terms with it. But lately, it's been eating me alive and I just needed to vent to somebody who would understand.
Thank you for reading.

 

[Volatile]

I feel exactly the same. If my parents were more aloof and uncaring, this would be so easy.

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

Read about antinatalism, it might change your perspective on the whole "aww, my poor parents" thing.

 

[Tiburcio]

Yeah read about it... here are a lot of antinatalists here if you want to walk, some of us them are hardcore ones...

 

[uxorious]

I feel guilty about it as well. I'm an adopted child with two older siblings , and if they weren't there to "make up" for my loss , I'd have a much harder go of it. Either way , I still feel guilty at all the wasted time , money , effort they spent on such a useless child like me. I dropped out of uni eventually as well because my ptsd and anxiety issues are so severe , and I failed to top myself once before so they're already traumatised. I'm just hoping that they already kind of know I'm so miserable and maybe with time they can accept it.

 

[Tiburcio]

Don't feel useless. You don't have to impose yourselves a life you don't want. Honestly, you are more valious than the money spent of you. It's your right and you are the ones who must decide what to do.

 

[Jackblade]

My parents are the only reason with I'm not 100% sure about ctb

 

[Lone]

I feel guilty about it as well. I'm an adopted child with two older siblings , and if they weren't there to "make up" for my loss , I'd have a much harder go of it. Either way , I still feel guilty at all the wasted time , money , effort they spent on such a useless child like me. I dropped out of uni eventually as well because my ptsd and anxiety issues are so severe , and I failed to top myself once before so they're already traumatised. I'm just hoping that they already kind of know I'm so miserable and maybe with time they can accept it.

Well I'm not in the exact same situation but this is quite relatable. I talked in another post about how my parents aren't bad, they just don't understand mental illness. But they really do care and it makes me feel like shit to cause them trouble

 

[Volatile]

I feel guilty about it as well. I'm an adopted child with two older siblings , and if they weren't there to "make up" for my loss , I'd have a much harder go of it. Either way , I still feel guilty at all the wasted time , money , effort they spent on such a useless child like me. I dropped out of uni eventually as well because my ptsd and anxiety issues are so severe , and I failed to top myself once before so they're already traumatised. I'm just hoping that they already kind of know I'm so miserable and maybe with time they can accept it.

Wow. We're the same

 

[lv-gras]

Sends sympathies to you.

Don't feel useless. You don't have to impose yourselves a life you don't want. Honestly, you are more valious than the money spent of you. It's your right and you are the ones who must decide what to do.

all of this

although this also applies to high school. have you considered not going back? there might not be any reson for going through that stress, you might look at getting a ged or community college classes, or just saying fuck it. high school is hell and if you are dealing with other things...

wishing you the best in whatever you feel is good.

 

[SeventyNine]

Read about antinatalism, it might change your perspective on the whole "aww, my poor parents" thing.

Thank you. It does help a bit to think of things like that. I can't really bring myself to be spiteful towards them for bringing me here, though. I'm too much of an overly sensitive crybaby. Although I think I will include a few of the points in my letter.
Might help them to understand why.

 

[SeventyNine]

I feel guilty about it as well. I'm an adopted child with two older siblings , and if they weren't there to "make up" for my loss , I'd have a much harder go of it. Either way , I still feel guilty at all the wasted time , money , effort they spent on such a useless child like me. I dropped out of uni eventually as well because my ptsd and anxiety issues are so severe , and I failed to top myself once before so they're already traumatised. I'm just hoping that they already kind of know I'm so miserable and maybe with time they can accept it.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. As others say, your parents decided to adopt you while fully knowing you will cost them money and time. You don't have to feel guilty about that. It was their decision to do that, not yours.

 

[SeventyNine]

Well I'm not in the exact same situation but this is quite relatable. I talked in another post about how my parents aren't bad, they just don't understand mental illness. But they really do care and it makes me feel like shit to cause them trouble

Same here. They even try very hard to understand my illnesses and what I'm going through. They are very supportive, and very good people as well. I wish they hated me like I do.

 

[AntiLifeEric]

I understand what you're saying, @SeventyNine. My mother was abused by her father as a child, got pregnant with me at 18, and has taken care of me for 5 years, after a dropped out of school. She would never recover from my death, but I don't see that I have much better options, at this point.

 

[SeventyNine]

T

I understand what you're saying, @SeventyNine. My mother was abused by her father as a child, got pregnant with me at 18, and has taken care of me for 5 years, after a dropped out of school. She would never recover from my death, but I don't see that I have much better options, at this point.

That's true. I will do it, there's no doubt. I have been staying alive for their sake only for a long time, but I can't really go on anymore. It's just a bit overwhelming. I sure hope there isn't any afterlife. I don't want to see what I've done to others.

 

[uxorious]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. As others say, your parents decided to adopt you while fully knowing you will cost them money and time. You don't have to feel guilty about that. It was their decision to do that, not yours.

Thank you so much for saying this xx I would say the same for you. Adopted or no, parents are investing in a life that is not guaranteed to last....

 

[AntiLifeEric]

I've begun to take practical steps to be able to end my life, in circumstances that I'd find acceptable. Though it will be months before I will be in a position to go through with it. Not feeling so trapped, even though my death is at least half a year away, I've been able to actually think about my family, and the effect that my death will have on them.

I will destroy the people who've cared for me most, in life. There are no amount of apologies or kind words that I can leave in a note that could make up for what I'm going to do to them, and they definitely won't receive any money or material possessions because of my death. But I don't want to live decades, just for them. I'll at least try to give them some good memories of me, before I go.