Venting Feeling Extreme Aggression As My CTB Date Approaches

[RedPanda]

Yes, i'm angry, really angry at myself that i have to go to extreme lengths like this to end myself.

I'm 100% certain i'm going to do it, I've never felt this angry with myself before, i'm scared of myself. I also randomly burst into tears. My emotions are a complete wreck.

I want to kill myself, i really do, but i'm angry with myself that i have to do it as well. Fuck...

I'm doing my best to never take out this aggression on anyone close to me, i feel like they don't deserve it.

Can anyone relate with feeling angry with yourself for wanting to CTB?

 

[BadRNG]

Yes, i'm angry, really angry at myself that i have to go to extreme lengths like this to end myself.

I'm 100% certain i'm going to do it, I've never felt this angry with myself before, i'm scared of myself. I also randomly burst into tears. My emotions are a complete wreck.

I want to kill myself, i really do, but i'm angry with myself that i have to do it as well. Fuck...

I'm doing my best to never take out this aggression on anyone close to me, i feel like they don't deserve it.

Can anyone relate with feeling angry with yourself for wanting to CTB?

I totally relate, I really DONT WANT TO DIE. Most people here have it way worse than I do , like really shitty situations, still that doesn't make my situation any less shitty. Life is amazing but some shit just ruins everything else... it makes me sad and angry that there is no other way other than suicide. Like i am kind of a perfectionist, I try to stay as objective as possible, I tried every possible approach but all of them just make me forget about the miserable situation, but I can't keep ignoring it , every month it gets worse , I see no future for my self. I try to face reality, and unfortunately it's against me. I am really really jealous of people that have it all, money looks friends family job studies etc..
I just hope that I don't have to do it at the end, I am giving my self 1 last chance since I am kind of starting a mini new chapter, if it doesn't go as I want and if it doesn't remove my problems somehow.. I might have to end it.

 

[Ramirez]

before my first attempt i had the worst moodswings aswell. Started crying hysterically often and actually sometimes wanting revenge for some things i felt others fucked me over with. I think the main reason for it was that i didnt really wanna die back then i but felt trapped to the point where i had to do it. on my second attempt i decided that i wanted to do it without feeling as trapped and i was just really calm all the way leading up to it. i know not really helpful but just some thoughts

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

Yes, i'm angry, really angry at myself that i have to go to extreme lengths like this to end myself.

I'm 100% certain i'm going to do it, I've never felt this angry with myself before, i'm scared of myself. I also randomly burst into tears. My emotions are a complete wreck.

I want to kill myself, i really do, but i'm angry with myself that i have to do it as well. Fuck...

I'm doing my best to never take out this aggression on anyone close to me, i feel like they don't deserve it.

Can anyone relate with feeling angry with yourself for wanting to CTB?

I'm not angry but more upset that I have to die in order to end my pain. But I am excited to end my life.it sucks though

 

[BasedGod]

I totally understand this, I too have to end my life or I'm going to continue suffering a miserable existence. I don't want to die, but there's no other option.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

They say depression is rage turned inward. My most impulsive times when I have set up my hanging have been when I was in a rage due to some trigger or another. I can definitely relate to feeling trapped by my circumstances and simultaneously enraged by the fact that I am forced to struggle helplessly against them and my endless pain. I also resent being suicidal since I wish I was happy. Anger is definitely a feature emotion in this experience. It's like I'm angry at the reasons why, but there is no way to resolve the reasons or the anger so it gets turned inward until I fucking implode because that is the only outlet.

 

[Travis Pickle]

Yes, i'm angry, really angry at myself that i have to go to extreme lengths like this to end myself.

I'm 100% certain i'm going to do it, I've never felt this angry with myself before, i'm scared of myself. I also randomly burst into tears. My emotions are a complete wreck.

I want to kill myself, i really do, but i'm angry with myself that i have to do it as well. Fuck...

I'm doing my best to never take out this aggression on anyone close to me, i feel like they don't deserve it.

Can anyone relate with feeling angry with yourself for wanting to CTB?

This is EXACTLY what I've been experiencing too in recent weeks/months, flitting between hopeless tearful breakdowns and being consumed with anger.

 

[Zoltiel]

I don't want to kill myself either, but I have to now there's no other way. I'm angry that I worked so hard my whole life to try to make something of it, and I still ended up in this situation. I'm angry that just one small mistake can have such colossal consequences. Perhaps this is all fate.

 

[EndItNorth]

I can relate. I am very angry. I am also very scared.

 

[hatelife]

im more angry with life and other people and what they have done to me, to make me end up here

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes, I wish there was things that I could do to be a stronger person to not let this pos win but nothing I can do is going to stop what's happening I can't stop the train wreck. I'm angry I wasn't stronger and I'm angry I trusted someone who turned out to be a snake in the grass.

i'm sorry you're feeling such anger and that I am as well. I assume it is mostly a defense mechanism.

 

[hatelife]

Yes, I wish there was things that I could do to be a stronger person to not let this pos win but nothing I can do is going to stop what's happening I can't stop the train wreck. I'm angry I wasn't stronger and I'm angry I trusted someone who turned out to be a snake in the grass.

i'm sorry you're feeling such anger and that I am as well. I assume it is mostly a defense mechanism.

this too, feel that, after that it just went downhill for me too, wolf in sheeps clothing

 

[TAW122]

I feel anger and some aggression too, but more sadness and desolation than anything. For me, I'm angry at society for not allowing peaceful means to CTB or even voluntary euthanasia, but instead wants to force people to live who don't want to live regardless of circumstances (maybe a few compassionate ones would accept terminal illnesses, but even then it's far and few).

I sometimes channel that aggression and anger into planning, writing more topics (and getting my ideas and what not out there to combat the pro-lifey-esque culture that we have in the world.), and of course steeling and bracing myself for the very day that is to come. In a sense, I felt like I just don't give a shit anymore for the long term, I don't plan to live through all of 2020, I've decided that the long term life isn't worth it (and even if things went well for a while, it will bound to go to shit once again. I'm not interested in the roller-coaster fuck of a ride that life has to offer.). At the end, all humans still eventually die, some due to things outside of their control, some due to natural causes, or even by their own hand at some point.

 

[OddOne]

I'm not angry but more upset that I have to die in order to end my pain. But I am excited to end my life.it sucks though

This seems to be a common sentiment. I'd like to build a life, but for all the steps I took I've never gotten the results my peers have had. For me that's been 11 years of trying and not getting where I want to be.

For me CTB is the one thing anyone has. It can be taken away, but only forever in cases of murder. If you dont murder me, I can always CTB, and by doing so I take away your autonomy to influence however you like. Ideally, I'd like ppl to remiss on how they have treated me, but if not, fuck it. It doesnt matter. If people weep, there is a some pride and ego that gets assuaged. (Who's ego? No one's cause I would be dead.) However, if people laugh, or worse yet have no emotion, it's totally irrelevant to them, then cool. Becuase it doesnt matter. It won't matter, it can't matter at that point.

Going out on your terms is very pretty. I am not going to go as far as to glorify it, becuase death is messy. Its messy for those that depends on you or genuinely liked having you around. But... we all die. I am living for me and I will sure as hell die for me.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

This seems to be a common sentiment. I'd like to build a life, but for all the steps I took I've never gotten the results my peers have had. For me that's been 11 years of trying and not getting where I want to be.

For me CTB is the one thing anyone has. It can be taken away, but only forever in cases of murder. If you dont murder me, I can always CTB, and by doing so I take away your autonomy to influence however you like. Ideally, I'd like ppl to remiss on how they have treated me, but if not, fuck it. It doesnt matter. If people weep, there is a some pride and ego that gets assuaged. (Who's ego? No one's cause I would be dead.) However, if people laugh, or worse yet have no emotion, it's totally irrelevant to them, then cool. Becuase it doesnt matter. It won't matter, it can't matter at that point.

Going out on your terms is very pretty. I am not going to go as far as to glorify it, becuase death is messy. Its messy for those that depends on you or genuinely liked having you around. But... we all die. I am living for me and I will sure as hell die for me.

Go off (: I agree with you 100%

 

[make1wish]

Yep, absolutely have been there too. I started getting riskier about things. Started thinking, oh, how wonderful. I'll walk and bike without really looking too closely into the oncoming traffic.Or I'd sorta just linger while the auto was driving toward me. Was feeling this is great! I'm reducing my fears of my own death. Like an exposure technique..
Then someone I know pointed out to me the aggression an self-hatred I have toward myself, is simultaneously hatred at others. If I were driving then some person just stopped in front of met, didn't move, it'd feel like an aggressive stance. at me
That reflection really opened my eyes. Helped me see how my 'wanting to die' was a communication of aggression inwardly and outwardly. That awareness got me rethinking my plans...

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Yes, i'm angry, really angry at myself that i have to go to extreme lengths like this to end myself.

I'm 100% certain i'm going to do it, I've never felt this angry with myself before, i'm scared of myself. I also randomly burst into tears. My emotions are a complete wreck.

I want to kill myself, i really do, but i'm angry with myself that i have to do it as well. Fuck...

I'm doing my best to never take out this aggression on anyone close to me, i feel like they don't deserve it.

Can anyone relate with feeling angry with yourself for wanting to CTB?

Are you angry because you're suicidal or do you want to kill yourself because you're angry and you don't want to take it out on other people? If it's the second one meds can be super helpful. I got stuck there and was freaking out one multiple strangers every time I walked down the street, was angry at myself, even started being mean to my therapist. I was so mean to the point that I became afraid I was going to end up a viral YouTube disgrace as one of those examples of entitlement in public. I was able to get out of that state because I got on a mood stabilizer. If you're suicidal but don't actually want to die this may be an option to think about. Whatever you decide to do I hope you find a way to feel better. Runaway aimless anger sucks so much. Hugs to you.

I totally relate, I really DONT WANT TO DIE. Most people here have it way worse than I do , like really shitty situations, still that doesn't make my situation any less shitty. Life is amazing but some shit just ruins everything else... it makes me sad and angry that there is no other way other than suicide. Like i am kind of a perfectionist, I try to stay as objective as possible, I tried every possible approach but all of them just make me forget about the miserable situation, but I can't keep ignoring it , every month it gets worse , I see no future for my self. I try to face reality, and unfortunately it's against me. I am really really jealous of people that have it all, money looks friends family job studies etc..
I just hope that I don't have to do it at the end, I am giving my self 1 last chance since I am kind of starting a mini new chapter, if it doesn't go as I want and if it doesn't remove my problems somehow.. I might have to end it.

Hi there. A hug to you as well. I think my reply to @RedPanda also might be helpful for you.

 

[Dear Agony]

I relate, I'm angry at the world because I don't want to die but I have no other option

 

[RedPanda]

im more angry with life and other people and what they have done to me, to make me end up here

I just hate the fact that i was born. My mom died in 2009 and sometimes i sit here with extreme hatred towards her for having me. Life is a prison. Luckily we can actually escape it.