Feeling a little lost after inpatient

[naicooro]

To preface: most of this post is a story/venting, but also asking for advice on getting over this habit of thinking about/craving suicide.

I just got back from inpatient after a suicide attempt, I feel like I'm just now starting to realize it was real. I knew I'd probably live but a very small and loud part of me made overdosing feel so final. And it wasn't. I wouldn't be able to die and survive at the same time, and I'm a little upset that can't be the case cuz I'm still here, with all that overthinking in me still standing. I relied on the thinking "don't worry you can just kys" or "don't worry it'll be over by xyz date" for so long, but now that I kind of tried, and I don't want to rely on that thinking, I'm feeling a little lost. I'm past that "last" day.

The initial trigger for my attempt got resolved, but the root cause of feeling like there is something about me that's damaged and there is no fixing it is still there in the back of my mind.

I've spent a week away from that part of me, focusing on everything in front of me that was happening inside the hospital. But now that I'm no longer there im realizing that part of me is a lot bigger than I thought. it drowned me out so much that I couldn't remember the last time I felt I could feel, love and recieve love without asking myself or others for permission. I unexpectedly had the chance to do all of those things in the hospital, I made friends.

But now back home I find myself kinda in the same position, getting back into that sickeningly addicting cycle.

I feel so conflicted. On one hand that feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me, it feels logical. And death as a logical conclusion. But when I think about dying, I get nauseous and sick and I panic. I try to come up with reasons to live in panic, but I can only seem to cling onto those same negative thoughts, that there's something wrong with me.

I just want this loop of the same cycle to end, of stress, distraction, a breakdown, a terrible justification that I should have to die, and sleep. My Life ending up unchanged, and controlled by fear. It's all disgustingly comforting, It's felt normal. But now I just want it to stop, I want these "realizations" to end. I used to find them comforting but now I'm sick of them, I spent a week away from them and I don't want them to come back. I honestly wish this loop were a hallucation or something, that way medication could stop it and make it go away. But it isn't, it's all me. Now with a diagnosis to prove it. A life long condition, major depressive disorder. I used to wish for a diagnosis, but now all I'm wishing for is that this were all in my head. I'm only 19 and the prognosis is scary.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this, if you have any advice or comments I would really appreciate them.
+ Holy cow I wrote so much more than I thought, sorry if this went on too long/ got rambly.

 

[woofwag]

I have a lot of similar emotions to you. I also MDD, and I lived this long kind of by just believing that I could kill myself at any time. Makes everything seem really far away. That finality is so deceptively comforting. And you're right. It doesn't last when you realize, shit, maybe I do want to live, and have this whole time. Really we all just want an escape from the pain.

I hate going back-and-forth too. Constantly feeling like there's something wrong that you can't seem to fix, but not ever fully wanting to give into it. That part is so large and overwhelming, but I think like many parts of us, it wants to be witnessed and helped. Sometimes I think those parts are trying to help us in a convoluted way. It's easier to deal with how hurt we feel if we just believe that we'll always fall victim to that cycle and that the pain won't ever go away. It makes it feel familiar. Less hopeful. But that makes it hurt less when it starts all over again. At least then you can expect it, right?

I don't know how much advice I really have since I'm dealing with the same thing. But that part of you doesn't have to fully go away. I think recognizing that in an ironic way that part of you is a survival mechanism, maybe you can stop trying to get rid of it with death, and instead befriend it. All of our parts just want to feel cared about. Idk. I can't tell you exactly how to go about that. But I do try to talk with my destructive parts a lot and let them know that I understand why they're like that, and even that I appreciate them. It helps a little.

I hope you can find some more help. It would be a good idea to get a therapist and try some meds for now. I am wishing you the best