breachswapper
⊙ 'till i die??
- Sep 24, 2025
- 21
my situation got a lot worse very quickly (don't really wanna go into detail on that part) and i was so distressed i nearly ended it just yesterday. it probably wasn't a good idea to be so impulsive since things could've easily gone wrong when my head is clouded, but i feel like i'm always counting on something bad to happen so i just get all impulsive and finally die ಥ‿ಥ
but i posted a lot of stuff on my private account because for the first time in a long time i fully believed i was gonna do it. i started to calm down more, and figured i should put together a more fullproof plan instead of risking the complications from failing badly. i said that i was still gonna die soon just not today, and that embarrassment is better than ending up a vegetable if course
but i woke up and one of my friends was really really worried. and i'm not used to that. my suicidal ideation has always been met with anger and ridicule, or just unserious bullshit like "but you won't get to play gta 6!!!" (why do people do this) so i just expected if anyone actually saw my posts they'd have more of a "oh okay" reaction cause i'm always screaming about hating my life on that account.
i've known him for about a year now, we only really started being *friends* friends a few months ago though. he's a good person and he has a lot of cool ideas and stuff i like when he tells me about them!!! but like. i don't know i didn't expect him to be so devastated cause i'm not used to that at all. he said he was crying last night and today i didn't know i could make someone feel that bad oh my god i feel terrible
and this morning after seeing that and talking to him i felt. hopeful. like i needed to stay here, like i was important. but hours later reality hits me and i realize everything still feels awful the things causing me to feel so awful are out of my control i feel so fucking powerless i don't wanna think about living years and decades this way i really don't. i feel incompatible with the world.
i feel really guilty i just don't know what to do. knowing that someone cares makes me feel selfish for leaving them behind, but living is so painful. it's so so so so so so painful. before this my friends would just refuse to accept or acknowledge the negative side of me, so i could tell myself "oh they don't care about me at my worst!! they don't deserve me at all!! it doesn't matter if i die!!" but now there's someone who DOES and rughgngnpnfususnhpntdnf can i just get shot or hit by a car so it doesn't feel like a death that could've been prevented
i kinda wish i didn't let him into my private account because then like he probably realized i was mentally ill right then and there and i feel bad for bringing negativity into someones life (个_个) i think it's gonna take me a long time to accept the idea that i deserve to be cared for even when i'm not okay if i'm even around long enough for that to happen
and then it's like also the fact that like he said not to just live so others wont be sad and to actually find something in life for me but like whereee where is it it feels like the things in life that i like are always taken away from me or i remember that i can't just do this forever and i have to go make money or i'll just be a nuisance for my parents forever and am i rambling i don't know i don't know idk it's my vent post i can do whatever i think yeah
but i posted a lot of stuff on my private account because for the first time in a long time i fully believed i was gonna do it. i started to calm down more, and figured i should put together a more fullproof plan instead of risking the complications from failing badly. i said that i was still gonna die soon just not today, and that embarrassment is better than ending up a vegetable if course
but i woke up and one of my friends was really really worried. and i'm not used to that. my suicidal ideation has always been met with anger and ridicule, or just unserious bullshit like "but you won't get to play gta 6!!!" (why do people do this) so i just expected if anyone actually saw my posts they'd have more of a "oh okay" reaction cause i'm always screaming about hating my life on that account.
i've known him for about a year now, we only really started being *friends* friends a few months ago though. he's a good person and he has a lot of cool ideas and stuff i like when he tells me about them!!! but like. i don't know i didn't expect him to be so devastated cause i'm not used to that at all. he said he was crying last night and today i didn't know i could make someone feel that bad oh my god i feel terrible
and this morning after seeing that and talking to him i felt. hopeful. like i needed to stay here, like i was important. but hours later reality hits me and i realize everything still feels awful the things causing me to feel so awful are out of my control i feel so fucking powerless i don't wanna think about living years and decades this way i really don't. i feel incompatible with the world.
i feel really guilty i just don't know what to do. knowing that someone cares makes me feel selfish for leaving them behind, but living is so painful. it's so so so so so so painful. before this my friends would just refuse to accept or acknowledge the negative side of me, so i could tell myself "oh they don't care about me at my worst!! they don't deserve me at all!! it doesn't matter if i die!!" but now there's someone who DOES and rughgngnpnfususnhpntdnf can i just get shot or hit by a car so it doesn't feel like a death that could've been prevented
i kinda wish i didn't let him into my private account because then like he probably realized i was mentally ill right then and there and i feel bad for bringing negativity into someones life (个_个) i think it's gonna take me a long time to accept the idea that i deserve to be cared for even when i'm not okay if i'm even around long enough for that to happen
and then it's like also the fact that like he said not to just live so others wont be sad and to actually find something in life for me but like whereee where is it it feels like the things in life that i like are always taken away from me or i remember that i can't just do this forever and i have to go make money or i'll just be a nuisance for my parents forever and am i rambling i don't know i don't know idk it's my vent post i can do whatever i think yeah
