Venting Feel like a ghost already:

[MeltingHeart]

I already feel half dead- I feel like a walking ghost/ some kind of zombie, I have been feeling suicidal since Jan 19' after years of under lying depression and anxiety-stemming from childhood adverse experiences- i kind of coped to an extent and had almost pulled through to the other side- and had established some level of semi-happiness and an ok life for myself- it all fell apart due to a v. destructive relationship, having no one to turn to when I was at a very bad level emotional of turmoil & my GP making a critical error and not helping me when I was very desperate- culmintaing in a severe breakdown, I now have acute anhedonia & a very strong will to die- multiply attempts this year-but cant over come SI (yet!) and SN was found and taken. Basically i know I have to die at some point in the future and preferably sooner rather than later - i no longer value my life or want it- i dont even want therapy (it has come too late) - i've cut ALL my friends off as I know i strongly want to pass- I know I have to find a way to over come SI to do a method I didnt really want to do- since no SN- I feel like a ghost already! anyone else feel like that? how appropriate at this time of year! its sad as I always loved halloween- far more than xmas and others days any way- cos it wasnt tied into family so much ! i dread the thought of being around still by firework night.

 

[hatelife]

yes I do, and actually metoo, since early of this year right after my bunny died around december 2018,(was sad in late 2017 also some things had happened, some ppl were cruel to me and it made me shy away from any human contact) made me feel guilt, I have hard time getting over the guilt thing of all kinds it comes in dreams and intrusive thoughts of it, its really disturbing, its karma I guess.
If my hair comes back magically then maybe I will be happy maybe not still as today I had a resting puls 150 so got worried, its still high 140 now so it makes me scared, life can be so cruel, I could get stroke or something and not even be able to commit suicide if I wanted to u know? better leave before something bad happens is on my mind all the time, Im getting older, im 31.

 

[MeltingHeart]

yes I do, and actually metoo, since early of this year right after my bunny died around december 2018,(was sad in late 2017 also some things had happened, some ppl were cruel to me and it made me shy away from any human contact) made me feel guilt, I have hard time getting over the guilt thing of all kinds it comes in dreams and intrusive thoughts of it, its really disturbing, its karma I guess.
If my hair comes back magically then maybe I will be happy maybe not still as today I had a resting puls 150 so got worried, its still high 140 now so it makes me scared, life can be so cruel, I could get stroke or something and not even be able to commit suicide if I wanted to u know? better leave before something bad happens is on my mind all the time, Im getting older, im 31.

where are you from if you don't me asking? English is not yr first language perhaps? was Bunny a loved one> I don't know too much about resting pulses im afraid. I don't know what your specific reasons for feeling guilt are but I believe it can be a very common sympton/ side effect of depression- well it is for me anyway- Like I feel this gloomy and despairing for myself but then I see or hear what other endure in this world & they still maintain some optimism and hope- but that just makes me feel guilt sending me into deeper self-loathing & despair, also just on a more general level of all the tragedies & injustices- they dont make me feel fortunate for anything I may have that others lack (perhaps they should)- it just makes me feel like I want to depart even more-because I can not cope with my own sadness-let alone that of others - if I was stronger I like to think I could help others-but i'm too damn broken myself.