Venting feel guilty abandoning plans with friends

[walliwalli]

i don't mean plans like, plans to hang out. i have a few d&d campaign sort of things going on with my online friends—like passion projects that last a couple months. i'm not the one hosting any of them but i was going to participate in a few hosted by my friends. or it's some situation where the host is someone random but i'm participating with a friend so they're not alone. you know. these are commitments i've made to my friends.

but none of these will be completed before i plan to CTB. and i don't think i have the strength to delay my plan just because of these (though i wish i could, the timing becomes difficult the closer to summer it gets). some of them will be easy to just say sorry, i can't do this anymore, but i feel really bad in particular about one hosted by a friend. he started recruiting people just about a week ago and i stupidly agreed. now he's planning this whole thing, and i'm probably going to have to tell him soon that i cannot do it. i feel so fucking bad and am trying to work up the courage to rip that bandaid off, since i need to tell him before he plans too much around my participation. i wish there was another way. but he struggles with mental health as well and i know that if i participate in his campaign and he hears about my suicide during it, it will undoubtedly ruin the campaign for him and everyone else. i know this doesn't seem like a big deal but it really is to him. so in the present, this is the best i can do. i already fucked up by agreeing in the first place.

 

[madwoman]

I also battle with planing for the end and still living my regular life which involves making plans with people. And a few of my friends are really going through a hard time so I don't want to add stress to their lives. And I'm struggling trying to be there for them but not too much bc I would have rather isolated myself so I can fully focus on my end goal and just want to be left alone so I can get low enough. I slowly stopped making big commitments but sometimes it's hard to say no. I don't really have advice but you aren't alone in struggling with making commitments to friends in the midst of being suicidal.

 

[Afterglow]

In my mind, it's a little different.

If I made plans, it's because I wanted to be there. So I show up, and I have fun to my fullest extent.

What happens after I'm gone isn't something I can control, and it's not something I lose sleep over. I don't think people should have to shrink themselves and stop enjoying all aspects of life just because they have problems or have a different timeline.

My problems don't make me any less worthy to experience joy with friends.

If you care about them, enjoy them and their company. That's all that matters.

 

[walliwalli]

In my mind, it's a little different.

If I made plans, it's because I wanted to be there. So I show up, and I have fun to my fullest extent.

What happens after I'm gone isn't something I can control, and it's not something I lose sleep over. I don't think people should have to shrink themselves and stop enjoying all aspects of life just because they have problems or have a different timeline.

My problems don't make me any less worthy to experience joy with friends.

If you care about them, enjoy them and their company. That's all that matters.

i mean i get it and that's how i see most plans. like i'm still hanging out with my friends. casual plans and whatnot.

this situation is just very very specific. it's more about: either i drop out of my friend's plans right now, or i CTB while their plans are still happening (again, the "plans" i'm talking about here will last months) which will most certainly hurt them more. i can't really see them being able to continue the campaign if one of their active players literally died, but the extra degree of separation (i.e. me not being an active player at that time) would probably lessen the impact. that's what's going on. i'm trying to think more long term for their sake.