Feel cut off from the World

[Need_friends]

Hi. Happy to find a community. I have thought about offing myself constantly since I was a teenager, decades ago. I am in the autistic spectrum and suffer from depression and anxiety on top (recently more anxiety than depression). Being in the AS makes me very estranged from humans. I have no friends, just family - wife and son. As it turns out, my wife became my sole connection to the World. Whenever she is mad at me and not talking, the suicide thoughts start to dominate. It is usually for a few hours, but now it has been days, and I am totally obsessed with thouse thoughts.

Please someone talk to me. Ask questions, share your story, whatever. I don't have a suicide hotline in the country I am in. And anyway I think I would rather talk to someone who know intimately what I am going through.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[sadeyesWA]

I'll share part of my story.

I've been suicidal since my early teens. It got really bad when I had a major breakdown at age 24 and had my first stay in the psyche ward. Providence St Vincent. Could have been a lot worse. I gained 10lbs in 14 days.

My parents moved me to the American south after that, to keep an eye on me and in the hope I'd recover better removed from whatever might have broken me. They were 1/2 right, as they moved me away from my support system too.

I became an alcoholic, was married and divorced, and eventually moved back.

I've always felt like I was falling forward in time, being pulled along. I've had jobs, though I wasn't good at any of them. I got married again, and this time it's better. My wife is deeply concerned about me, but for all the trouble I've caused her I know she'll be better off once I'm gone.

My method is in the mail (hopefully) and until then I get to spend my time with you lovely people.

 

[Need_friends]

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thank you for saying that.

I'll share part of my story.

I've been suicidal since my early teens. It got really bad when I had a major breakdown at age 24 and had my first stay in the psyche ward. Providence St Vincent. Could have been a lot worse. I gained 10lbs in 14 days.

My parents moved me to the American south after that, to keep an eye on me and in the hope I'd recover better removed from whatever might have broken me. They were 1/2 right, as they moved me away from my support system too.

I became an alcoholic, was married and divorced, and eventually moved back.

I've always felt like I was falling forward in time, being pulled along. I've had jobs, though I wasn't good at any of them. I got married again, and this time it's better. My wife is deeply concerned about me, but for all the trouble I've caused her I know she'll be better off once I'm gone.

My method is in the mail (hopefully) and until then I get to spend my time with you lovely people.

You seem to be relieved now that you made plans. I made vague plans many times, but did not move forward very much. I don't know to this day how serious I was, or if I was just using fantasies as a way of coping.

My wife cares for me but when I speak about ctb, she dismisses it. Says this is just something I will have to handle on my own, she can't deal.

Now I just want to patch things up, but she is adamant, and I am just crushed to feel so isolated from the world. At least she is not talking divorce, that would make me make serious plans to ctb. Maybe I would be finally pushed to do it.

I've always felt like I was falling forward in time, being pulled along. I've had jobs, though I wasn't good at any of them. I got married again, and this time it's better. My wife is deeply concerned about me, but for all the trouble I've caused her I know she'll be better off once I'm gone.

Why do you think she will be better if you are gone?

 

[Noctis]

I'll share a bit of my story.

My parents were...not great. They were adequate providers in that I never went hungry or anything, but affection was rare. I told both of them that I hated myself and wanted to die. They both yelled at me like it was my fault and they were the victim. I've wanted to die since I was 8.

I've always assumed I was less than a year from killing myself. As a result, I've made a lot of short-sighted decisions that have ruined my life past redemption. I've gone through addictions, spent some time in a psychiatric hospital, turned away helpful friends and welcomed toxic ones.

I also have a wife I can't talk to. When I say I want to die, she just gets upset and says I'm not allowed to talk like that, so I feel very isolated while she thinks she's showering me with love and affection.

I feel like the only reason I'm still here is because of my wife. I really enjoy thinking about killing myself and leaving a note that blames my parents and "friends", telling them this was their fault. But I can't do that to my wife. For all the resentment I have, she's too kind and pure to go through that kind of pain. It would destroy her.

So, I pretend to be happy while I slip deeper and deeper into yet another addiction. It's not that drugs hide the pain... it's that being high is the only time I feel anything.