Fear of never recovering

[nullpointer]

I have quiet type BPD (I'm male fwiw) and comorbid ADHD, meaning all my pain gets internalized and dwelled on, and all of my "BPD rage" (really, just overwhelmingly feeling too many emotions at once that come out in a not-so-attractive way) comes out when I spiral and realize I don't have any quick fixes for the things that cause me to spiral (prefer not to go into specifics). This can come out of nowhere. Starting ADHD meds helped a lot (recent diagnosis, adult onset). I'm now 27 and the occurrence of suicide in those with BPD decreases after age 30 (stat I've read multiple places but have no source for). I've suffered from mental illness (and life adversity lol, definitely not as bad as others have had it though it's not a contest) since I was a tween. Sometimes I can almost even feel the symptoms lessening, but then a spiral makes me feel like I've not only taken steps backwards but completely tumbled off the staircase. And it seems so random. There are days where my mood swings, others where I'm hypomanic (or severely depressed and suicidal) for the entire day.

I'm really just sort of venting and hoping someone relates. I've always felt like I'd never get better, and I'm becoming less sure of that. Not sure if that's such a great thing since security in life is a myth and suffering and death are inevitable. Meds wore off a while ago so sorry for the ranty, disjointed thoughts. Kinda hate talking about myself but it needed to come out somewhere. Best wishes, everyone

 

[lili]

I can relate to this. I have borderline and bipolar and it's hard. Sometimes I feel it's like a curse and there's nothing more to it.

Your not ranting. I'm sorry your going through this. Ive been debating also as well whether going to the meds again or not. Are you thinking you might stay off them?

My brain feels quite broken and the last few weeks I've been a loss of control.

 

[nullpointer]

Are you thinking you might stay off them?

I'm on cymbalta, lamictal and vyvanse now. Been on cymbalta for a number of years, lamictal for probably a year or two, and just switched over from concerta to vyvanse after we tried a variety of non-med and non-stimulant solutions to control my energy levels further. Concerta just wasn't doing it, still was getting mega drowsy in the afternoon. Not sure if Vyvanse is too much, I'm just up now because I haven't actually tried to sleep. That's more related to ADHD. Cymbalta and lamictal for BPD are like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound but they do help. I'm not super prone to side effects, but lamictal gives me stomach trouble, as a fair warning. Going to stay on meds for the foreseeable future, though, as the benefits outweigh any cost

 

[Britvik]

While your challenges sound awful, it must be encouraging that, occasionally, you feel your symptoms lessening. That possibility offers hope. You will never eradicate suffering, but it can be reduced to levels that allow you to experience the happier side of life. Your mission seems clear, if not the solution (yet). Good luck in your continuing quest!

 

[nullpointer]

While your challenges sound awful, it must be encouraging that, occasionally, you feel your symptoms lessening. That possibility offers hope. You will never eradicate suffering, but it can be reduced to levels that allow you to experience the happier side of life. Your mission seems clear, if not the solution (yet). Good luck in your continuing quest!

I'm just sick of falling down the aforementioned metaphorical steps. But sometimes I get to ride the escalator back to where I was, lol. Maybe taking the metaphor too far. Anyways, I hope by age 30 I can say with full confidence that things are better than they were during my young adulthood. Hope has been the hardest thing for me to scrape back into my life. I appreciate the encouraging words.