Fear of “missing the bus”

[daikon]

I very badly want to die, but every time I start putting real thought into how I'm going to end it, all these failure scenarios pop up in my head. I've read through a lot of Lost All Hope, overdose threads, and even anti-suicide sites, and I get so worked up about what could happen if I fail. I have a DNR form, but if I get caught or fuck up, I could ruin my life even more. If I didn't die but just paralyzed or blinded myself, or made myself terminally ill, I feel like I'd lose my mind. It's entirely possible that I could get just close enough to death to horribly and permenantly injure myself, but not far enough that I actually die. It's hard to take any steps forward when I have these images of myself waking up in a hospital bed unable to move. The idea of not having an escape — whether that's just getting up to have a cigarette or killing myself — scares me so much that I don't even want to attempt.

I have lots of fantasies of getting myself killed somehow (getting the death penalty, getting shot by a cop, finding a virulent racist/homophobe/misogynist who wants to murder me), but they're all pretty unlikely — besides, what if I just got badly hurt or imprisoned and still didn't die?

How do you guys deal with this? Or what are some sure fire ways you've seen used or plan to use? (Mine is hanging, but what if I get caught and interrupted? Ahhhh!!!)

 

[Redt2go]

I very badly want to die, but every time I start putting real thought into how I'm going to end it, all these failure scenarios pop up in my head. I've read through a lot of Lost All Hope, overdose threads, and even anti-suicide sites, and I get so worked up about what could happen if I fail. I have a DNR form, but if I get caught or fuck up, I could ruin my life even more. If I didn't die but just paralyzed or blinded myself, or made myself terminally ill, I feel like I'd lose my mind. It's entirely possible that I could get just close enough to death to horribly and permenantly injure myself, but not far enough that I actually die. It's hard to take any steps forward when I have these images of myself waking up in a hospital bed unable to move. The idea of not having an escape — whether that's just getting up to have a cigarette or killing myself — scares me so much that I don't even want to attempt.

I have lots of fantasies of getting myself killed somehow (getting the death penalty, getting shot by a cop, finding a virulent racist/homophobe/misogynist who wants to murder me), but they're all pretty unlikely — besides, what if I just got badly hurt or imprisoned and still didn't die?

How do you guys deal with this? Or what are some sure fire ways you've seen used or plan to use? (Mine is hanging, but what if I get caught and interrupted? Ahhhh!!!)

I agree read a story of a man interrupted hanging paralyzed neck down:( can't speak

 

[daikon]

I agree read a story of a man interrupted hanging paralyzed neck down:( can't speak

Was it that one in England where he got caught attempting in his garage? That shit freaked me out.

 

[Redt2go]

Was it that one in England where he got caught attempting in his garage? That shit freaked me out.

Maybe yeah had 2kids or something

 

[Pegasus]

I'm planning on SN in June and I have 6 months to get prepared. I just hope I don't back out like a pu$$y when the time comes to ctb.

 

[Koal]

When I first found this site I was planning on partial suspension, however the more I researched it the less confident I felt about it. Now I don't know what's going to happen because running from my problems going to work much longer, I need to catch the bus.

 

[daikon]

How crazy is it that every day you see articles about suicides and murders, wars and terror attacks, but as soon as you decide you want in on the death and destruction, it turns out it's really hard to do it yourself!

 

[Redt2go]

How crazy is it that every day you see articles about suicides and murders, wars and terror attacks, but as soon as you decide you want in on the death and destruction, it turns out it's really hard to do it yourself!

Right!!!! In the Bible you learn about something called the valley of the shadow of death and how you can basically die at any moment. That and final destination had me thinking I was going to die just walking down the street. Now I want to die and idk I feel cheated by life lol

 

[15dec]

If it's of any comfort to you, all of us (or at least most of us) are scared of missing the bus, so you're not alone in feeling this way. The only way to reduce these fears is to pick a method you're comfortable with and of course have a location where you won't be discovered for a few hours, but even then they will most likely persist to some degree

 

[21Neberg]

This is why we all should experiment with our method of choice beforehand, so we overcome any fears and our actual attempt will have the highest chance of succeeding as possible.

 

[wxtyubidi7y]

People talk like thoughts of suicide are meant to be really distressing, whereas what really makes me panic is the thought that I won't kms.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

That bus has got to be caught or I'm going to go absolutely batshit crazy.

 

[YellowJasmine]

 

[Ch92921]

That bus has got to be caught or I'm going to go absolutely batshit crazy.

Oh yes indeed!

 

[Redt2go]

fuck!

 

[Lifeisatrap]

People talk like thoughts of suicide are meant to be really distressing, whereas what really makes me panic is the thought that I won't kms.

Exactly. I don't fear death, my fear is surviving.