Hi everyone, I have been suicidal since i was a young kid, probably started at about age 7. I remember holding my father's hunting rifle to my head as my family was locked outside and threatening to do it because they wouldn't take me to get something i wanted, obviously no normal and sane child would do that. There is something deeply wrong and unsettling with me but that's besides the point of why i'm making this thread.
i'm very scared of just nothingness and absolutely no consciousness that comes after death. i've heard it's much like anesthesia and tbh going under anesthesia also terrifies me. i'm also very scared of the pain that accompanies every CTB method. for SN, i don't wanna pass away hungry from fasting. i wanna be able to eat my favorite foods and spend the day taking care of myself before i do it. most of the other methods end up with a very brutal aftermath, so there's really no easy way to decide or navigate through things.
i also want to add that i've tried almost every psychiatric treatment (adderall helped me feel somewhat normal and made my life so much better) and yet i still don't want to be alive lol. it's just the fact i'll never actually be a woman, i can only change myself more and more until i look like a woman. but i think everyone knows deep down that i'll never actually be a woman. it's a curse to be born with sex dysphoria and i think state sanctioned medically assisted suicide should be allowed for transsexuals who had to experience the trauma of their natal puberty.
i'm very scared of just nothingness and absolutely no consciousness that comes after death. i've heard it's much like anesthesia and tbh going under anesthesia also terrifies me. i'm also very scared of the pain that accompanies every CTB method. for SN, i don't wanna pass away hungry from fasting. i wanna be able to eat my favorite foods and spend the day taking care of myself before i do it. most of the other methods end up with a very brutal aftermath, so there's really no easy way to decide or navigate through things.
i also want to add that i've tried almost every psychiatric treatment (adderall helped me feel somewhat normal and made my life so much better) and yet i still don't want to be alive lol. it's just the fact i'll never actually be a woman, i can only change myself more and more until i look like a woman. but i think everyone knows deep down that i'll never actually be a woman. it's a curse to be born with sex dysphoria and i think state sanctioned medically assisted suicide should be allowed for transsexuals who had to experience the trauma of their natal puberty.
