Venting Fear of an afab trans person (CW: slight discussion of NSFW things)

[birdofafeather]

Call me paranoid, but since I've decided to CTB this week, I've started to worry about whether people would respect me or not after death.

On being afab:
I live in a place where the fire department is being investigated for taking upskirts of victims, and the police are also thought to be doing that. Sending those pictures to their group chats and, honestly, I'm not sure what happens afterwards.
I'm afab. I'm quite femme presenting, due to circumstances out of my control. My body type is one that gets overly sexualised. From around the age of 12 I was getting uncomfortable stares from male teachers in my school as I suddenly couldn't really fit into my shirt without the spaces between the buttons gaping. I'm ace. Sex neutral, I guess. The idea of me being "fuckable" is not something that I'm comfortable with. In fact, it makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. The idea that the first responders will most likely be police (if everything goes to plan, I won't be found for days), it scares me that I'll end up on that chat. I'm scared that maybe something happens to my body. I know, I'll be dead, I won't be there to give a shit, but like... I don't want to be violated. Dead or alive.

On being trans:
I live in a country where there was a murder recently, of a young trans girl. She will be buried under her deadname. The press went to great lengths to find her deadname so that they wouldn't have to use her true name in their articles. There is no respect for her or her identity. It's disgusting. What's worse is that she went without having a say in it. A hate crime that isn't even being investigated as a hate crime. Her treatment is appalling and it shows a lot about how nobody gives a shit about you if you're trans.
I live with a gender that isn't even legally recognised. The chances of me being recognised as me in the first place are next to zero.
I have not been able to medically transition. The laws won't let me do that. And my body type is one that can't be seen as androgynous, even when wearing a binder.
Part of me wishes I die violently, and that I'm so violently mutilated that no one can tell what I am, but I know, no matter how many notes I write, begging to be recognised, no matter what I say, or do, the press, my parents, and the people who bury me, will have me be a version of myself that never existed in the first place.

All in all, I'm exhausted. I don't want to think about these things, I just want it all to stop. If I didn't hesitate, I'd have been dead 10 years ago.

 

[codedarchaeologist]

As an ace, afab nb person, I just wanna say that I feel you and I understand how you feel. It can be bloody impossible to escape gendered sexualisation, it seems. When you die, there's no more you as an agent to construct your own identity, so the only existing you is the idea constructed by others, and that's terrifying. It's like your "ghost" is theirs to use however they want.

I hope you can get to a place in life where you're seen as who you are by the people around you, and don't have to dread this anymore.

 

[VioletNight]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. People who don't respect other's identity/sexuality are just disgusting.

I really hope you'll be able to get somewhere where you will be respected and cared for for who you are.

 

[247sadgirlhours]

i'm so sorry. your entire experience - it just sucks. i can relate to being sexualized at a young age, it's incredibly degrading. everything else you've listed, it all just sucks so much. i'm cis but trans ppl are, STRAIGHT UP, given less rights than corpses. from what you've mentioned, i don't think we live in the same country but there's insane amounts of unconstitutional anti-trans legislation going around in mine. it angers me so much. like WHY. of all the groups that exist, why must ppl punch down so hard upon such a small percentage of the population.

sounds like you've got afab sexism AND transphobia to deal with, that's just so fucked up. i'm sorry that this is your reality. i hate this world. if/when you ctb, i promise i'll remember you the way you are in this post. i hope you find your peace.

 

[WeepingWillow]

As an ace, afab nb person, I just wanna say that I feel you and I understand how you feel. It can be bloody impossible to escape gendered sexualisation, it seems. When you die, there's no more you as an agent to construct your own identity, so the only existing you is the idea constructed by others, and that's terrifying. It's like your "ghost" is theirs to use however they want.

I hope you can get to a place in life where you're seen as who you are by the people around you, and don't have to dread this anymore.

Ace love! #InvadeDenmark

 

[Octavia]

I am not sure if you are referring to the incident that I am thinking of, but I seem to have been quite devastated by Brianna Ghey's murder for some reasons. I do not know her, nor do I even live in the same country. My brain puzzles me sometimes.

I hope that you feel better now, wherever you are.

 

[wait.what]

This is the kind of thing that reminds me why I avoid most people as much as possible. I've never wanted a tombstone anyway, and I'm told the best way to avoid a stone with ANY name on it (in my country, anyway) is to appoint a non-relative to be the executor of your will, and then insist on getting your wishes down in writing. I'd rather be cremated and scattered. No stone, no deadname. I guess you can't really forbid people from writing obituaries that say whatever the hell they want them to say. For that matter, a late friend had a relative show up uninvited at his funeral, then go up to the mike and PROCEED TO DEADNAME HIM in front of "God and everybody," as they say. Supposedly she "didn't know" and thought it would be okay as part of some "cute story" or whatever. She'd known my friend for like 40 years, but I guess these cis relatives-by-marriage "need time." For the record, this was a sister-in-law who never got along with my friend, and, as I said, wasn't invited anyway.

Sorry--I don't mean to hijack your thread. All of this kind of crap makes me extremely po'ed, though.

 

[Fwompje]

I feel the exact same way. I don't want them to ever find my body, I know that they probably will but I just want to disappear and dissolve instead of being left over flesh and bones which people can do whatever with. I'll be dead ofcourse but it's still a scary thought.