Discussion Fantasy of a couple/partner/wedded suicide?

[SomewhatLoved]

I've never really wanted to live long enough to be like above 40. It feels hard to even imagine myself at that point, I can't really conjure any images. I always felt this way ever since I was a kid, but now working in healthcare and seeing firsthand the shit aging does to you... I don't want to live that long. But I'm not sure if it's my time yet, and like I think is natural for the majority of people, I crave closeness and love.

Ever since I was little I always wanted to be married. I remember being like 5 and already thinking about that stuff. It's one of my first memories. I feel like that's kind of strange, especially for a boy. But that's the way it's always been, and I've always wanted a wife to care for and love. This desire really feels like the only thing that has remained constant throughout my life, and because of that I sort of think it's my fate or natural state to be aspiring towards this goal. When I was a teenager this really intensified and I started teaching myself to cook and clean up after myself a bit more to maybe be a better husband. I was healthier then, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be married now, but I still think about it sometimes.

I've grown a bit and I think I've really realized how rare a special love story can be, and I'm not sure I'll ever find one like this.

I only ever had one partner and I always would give them massages, cook for them, bring them food in bed, take them on dates, try to spoil them, etc. It brought me more joy than anything else ever has. I always wanted to be the most reliable and caring husband I could be. I wanted to be soft but also able to protect them.

But even then if I was married I sort of imagine I couldn't grow old, for whatever reason. It feels impossible.

I know this thought is unhealthy but part of me thinks about being married to someone who has similar struggles to me, and then us both ending things together whenever the time felt right. Again, this is probably fucked up, but I think in some way it would be really romantic to hold each other as we drifted off into nothing...

 

[Wolf Girl]

It's a really appealing idea. However, in practice it usually ends up with one partner being ready and the other being ambivalent. And then you run into consent issues. Are they really choosing their fate if they are being encouraged/pressured or if there's a threat hanging over their head of you leaving them behind? Unfortunately, for most of us, suicide is and should remain a solitary affair.

I'm sorry you are so sad. Maybe you can still get your dream and not ctb? You are a giver and if you marry a fellow giver, you will create a beautiful life.

 

[jpeq]

It's crossed my mind as well, multiple times, but it's something I exclusively view as a comforting fantasy personally..
I wouldn't put it into play, I think there's so many factors that could go wrong -- the other party being unsure, timing not lining up, one surviving, all of that stuff. Plus realistically speaking any kind of relationship that could end like that would be incredibly unhealthy to begin with, if it's two mentally unwell people emotionally depending on each other. I feel like there would be little to no real love in it to begin with. I like to think about it though, in a perfect world maybe my last sight would be the gaze of someone I love.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

It's a really appealing idea. However, in practice it usually ends up with one partner being ready and the other being ambivalent. And then you run into consent issues. Are they really choosing their fate if they are being encouraged/pressured or if there's a threat hanging over their head of you leaving them behind? Unfortunately, for most of us, suicide is and should remain a solitary affair.

I'm sorry you are so sad. Maybe you can still get your dream and not ctb? You are a giver and if you marry a fellow giver, you will create a beautiful life.

It's crossed my mind as well, multiple times, but it's something I exclusively view as a comforting fantasy personally..
I wouldn't put it into play, I think there's so many factors that could go wrong -- the other party being unsure, timing not lining up, one surviving, all of that stuff. Plus realistically speaking any kind of relationship that could end like that would be incredibly unhealthy to begin with, if it's two mentally unwell people emotionally depending on each other. I feel like there would be little to no real love in it to begin with. I like to think about it though, in a perfect world maybe my last sight would be the gaze of someone I love.

I agree with you both, I know realistically it's not likely to be a "peaceful" experience the way I might imagine it to be, but sometimes it feels comforting to think about.