Family, my first post

[carnival]

I've wanted this for a long time. I can barely remember a time where I felt life was worth living honestly. Without getting into too much detail, because of some very harmful influences and my own stupidity when I was younger my misguided attempts to fix myself only dug me deeper and deeper for years into the situation I'm in now, even more miserable than when I started. I guess its possible, I know there are ways I could improve and maybe feel a bit better still, there are short periods where I feel alright sometimes, but it isn't my normal, and I've really tried (or been forced to try) almost everything. Meds, therapy, group therapy, psych wards, inpatient...

I get through life day by day, I've distanced myself from everyone except for my closest family and a few infrequent friends. I cope by daydreaming about a different life. A different place, time or body. I really just don't have any drive to exist. I've accepted this for myself and even bought some pills I knew were laced with fentanyl a while ago, I don't think I would even hesitate if It weren't for my family.

But I love my parents. They're the only family I have and they've always taken care of me and been there for me. My dad is in his 70s now, recently he even told me I'm his reason for living. I've also always been close with my mom. I know how badly it would hurt them and how I've already hurt them during previous, less serious attempts. I feel trapped, I know I want out, I just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone to do it.

 

[ABetterTomorrow]

Hi :} I'm pretty new here, but I've also felt this exact same way. I am really close to my sister and dad especially and it would kill me to know I've hurt them if I went ahead and CTB.

 

[WanderingTiger]

I understand this sentiment all too well. I often find myself weary of an existence where I struggle to articulate my emotional turmoil, feeling ill-equipped to navigate the way the world operates. These thoughts have lingered with me for quite some time. The only anchors that keep me tethered to this life are my family and my beloved animals. The thought of losing them fills me with dread, as I fear that without them, I would have no reason to remain.

Despite my exhaustion with it all, I hesitate to pursue my own desires, primarily out of concern for their well-being. I have engaged in therapy on several occasions due to my autism, but I no longer do so, and I feel it did not help me significantly. I have never shared the depths of my feelings with those closest to me.

In this challenging moment, I wish you all the best. You are not alone in feeling this way; many share similar struggles