Venting Falling out of love and trapped.

[rail.tracerr]

I am polyamorous and (for the most part) happily in a relationship with 3 people, my wonderful boyfriend, my partner, and my girlfriend, who I currently live with. My girlfriend is also dating my boyfriend & my partner as well.

My girlfriend has been scaring everyone I talk to about my situation. I am so burnt out and so drained, and I'm afraid I'm falling out of love with her.

She keeps invading my privacy--she's the reason I even only feel safe to vent here, too much snooping in my DMs on Discord, and even the person I vented to in person no longer feels safe talking with me about my problems with her after she interrupted us and eavesdropped on our conversation. She keeps pushing me sexually when I am a sex-repulsed asexual who despises most physical intimacy in that way. She keeps groping me and calling me attractive and complimenting my ass when I have bad anxiety about this idea that I'm only loved for my body. She pushes me to "fix her boredom" when I don't know what to do or how to help, and when I don't have any ideas she blurts out randomly that she wants to ctb and hates herself. And on top of all of this, despite knowing my disability she guilt trips me for "doing nothing" when I am in most cases physically and mentally unable to put that effort she demands into the situation. She makes me feel like she is my parent, monitoring my sleep and scolding me for staying up too late.

I want to move in with my other two partners, but she doesn't want me to because she would get too insecure and paranoid. But she doesn't want to move until she finishes college, which she hasn't even started yet.

She told someone else that I wanted to date that she would only let us date if they also dated her...which is just wrong, they view her as a sister more than anything.

I'm losing my touch with her. She is exhausting me and I am running out of hope. I broke my two year self harm clean streak because of a fight we had. And now all she wants to do is smoke weed and get high in her off time, and refuses to listen to me when I beg her to be careful, despite knowing I have severe anxiety. I'm afraid the love isn't there anymore. Not enough for this hell cycle of honeymoon phases and then suffering to be worth it.

After telling my boyfriend, he has told me that the apartment would be open for me, but I feel so trapped regardless. If I am falling out of love, what do I do? It's been six years since she and I began dating. I live in her family's house. I don't have anything of my own--no money, no job, no license, and no way out. I'm so scared and so lost. It makes me want to die just to get out of this mess, but I know that's not an option I can physically take without immense pain for myself and for my partners.

I just want out. I need help. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

 

[leeloosnow]

relationships are super hard and draining, especially when i don't have much gas in teh tank, so to speak. sounds like a lot of not respecting ur preferences, personality, and privacy to me, just going off what you said there. i'm really sorry that's going on and it would absolutely drive me up the wall. i really struggle to live with a partner. i lived with a girlfriend and boyfriend for a while, and it ended up with her getting jealous of me with him. i don't know if had i been sober that year it may have been different, but they sure weren't either, so yea. i feel like the more personalities in the mix (while cohabitating) the more potential stuff to happen, but that being said its better than being with someone who's not emotionally attractive. do you think she'd be receptive to a sit down serious talk? sometimes i'll like, write notes abt what i'm going to say to the person and then verbally crap all over it once i open my mouth >.< but if that doesn't work, may be best to just take care of you, we can't live to please everyone because someone's always gonna be pissed, imo the game is just having less contact with those kinda ppl. best wishes ratty buddy <3

 

[rail.tracerr]

do you think she'd be receptive to a sit down serious talk?

Honestly? No. She's not exactly the "serious" type. Our repeated fights about this disrespect of my privacy and discomfort I experience repeatedly turned into me venting and her going "I'm sorry", "it's my ADHD", "I don't know how to fix it", and then quickly following up with "I do so much and I'm just so tired" that quickly leads to a guilt spiral on my end.

It really sucks because she's the one who owns our rats technically :(

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It doesn't sound like she has much of a claim to your prioritizing her any longer. it may cause some problems if you move out, but the current situation as is is pushing you to the brink too. So it makes sense to choose the option that would alleviate your situation. She has to know that bad behavior can alienate people.

 

[leeloosnow]

Honestly? No. She's not exactly the "serious" type. Our repeated fights about this disrespect of my privacy and discomfort I experience repeatedly turned into me venting and her going "I'm sorry", "it's my ADHD", "I don't know how to fix it", and then quickly following up with "I do so much and I'm just so tired" that quickly leads to a guilt spiral on my end.

It really sucks because she's the one who owns our rats technically :(

oh no sounds like its time for a good squeak-napping teehee! no, sorry tho, that is really hard. i would feel ripped abt it, but if she cares for them well enough.... idk. i have adhd but typically that makes me want LESS human touch than more of it. like, can't even stand sharing a bed with someone. i think rose is right tho, she doesn't rly have much a claim to ur prioritizing her. do you think it would improve when all 4ppl are together and she has other ppl to focus on, you can just sneak off to the rattie corner and get some peace? really feel for ya, that is a tricky situation. but, if the rats are okay then i really hope you can protect yourself. sometimes self respect fosters more respect from others, or it has in my experience at least. either that or the person who cant respects me leaves my life which is good too.