Falling apart at the seams (again)

[LastLoveLetter]

I have a nasty virus (not COVID - I tested myself - but very similar symptoms) and although the worst of it has passed, I'm still reeling from the side effects. I'm still a wreck in the aftermath.

It unravelled all of my hard work in an instant. The months spent trying to build a better life and improve my health. The lifeline that was afforded to me by LDN, which wavered regularly and could be snatched away in an instant. The hopes of cultivating new connections, happy relationships, finding a career, actually living a life.

It's gone. All of it. I'm back to square one, constantly exhausted and in pain. Contending with heavy limbs and a perpetually muddled mind.

I'm back in this bed in this tiny home in between these four walls - four walls I never wanted to be forced to see 24/7 ever again.

And of course, any friendships I thought I'd built have all crumbled once again. No-one wants a permanently sick, enfeebled friend or lover. Connections have shown themselves to once again be shallow and empty, entirely contingent on my ability to go out and be a source of endless entertainment.

And it's all because of a virus, a nasty bug that has been making the rounds. An illness most people recover from in a matter of days. But with my weak immune system, it ravages my body and I'm left with long-term consequences that are never fully healed.

No matter what I do or how much progress I make, I always find myself back here. My life is like a carousel, an inescapable loop that always leads back to suicide. I can't escape death by my own hand.

 

[Angi]

I am so sorry your health keeps treating you so unkindly. You really do not deserve this! I read that an abuse history comes with increased probability of autoimmune diseases, as well as generally weaker immune defences. Buy one yoke, get one free!

Connections have shown themselves to once again be shallow and empty, entirely contingent on my ability to go out and be a source of endless entertainment.

I know this feeling. It has caused me a lot of suffering. Sometimes, though, I figure out that people do not forget me as soon as I stop being useful. They do their own thing while I am not available, and later go: "Oh, did you need anything? I did not think to reach out, but call me next time!" I do not know which of these two versions is true. Maybe they both are, to an extent.

I hope your health improves soon, and you get to continue building an existance you want! I have my fingers crossed for you to live a life, as you put it!

 

[Spiritual survivor]

You are not alone. I may not have the exact same problems but I understand where u are mentally. Hugs

 

[Chinaski]

I have a nasty virus (not COVID - I tested myself - but very similar symptoms) and although the worst of it has passed, I'm still reeling from the side effects. I'm still a wreck in the aftermath.

It unravelled all of my hard work in an instant. The months spent trying to build a better life and improve my health. The lifeline that was afforded to me by LDN, which wavered regularly and could be snatched away in an instant. The hopes of cultivating new connections, happy relationships, finding a career, actually living a life.

It's gone. All of it. I'm back to square one, constantly exhausted and in pain. Contending with heavy limbs and a perpetually muddled mind.

I'm back in this bed in this tiny home in between these four walls - four walls I never wanted to be forced to see 24/7 ever again.

And of course, any friendships I thought I'd built have all crumbled once again. No-one wants a permanently sick, enfeebled friend or lover. Connections have shown themselves to once again be shallow and empty, entirely contingent on my ability to go out and be a source of endless entertainment.

And it's all because of a virus, a nasty bug that has been making the rounds. An illness most people recover from in a matter of days. But with my weak immune system, it ravages my body and I'm left with long-term consequences that are never fully healed.

No matter what I do or how much progress I make, I always find myself back here. My life is like a carousel, an inescapable loop that always leads back to suicide. I can't escape death by my own hand.

As much as your presence has been absolutely missed around here l am genuinely saddened to read this, having a glimmer of hope regarding improving health emerge and then be subsequently snuffed out can be worse than never having that hope to begin with, it can be a terrible slump as you plummet back to square one and l genuinely feel for you, here if you need.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's beyond horrific how this life can torture people in such an extreme way, destroying all that they had. Anything that is seen as positive by someone only exists just to be taken away and cause more suffering to be experienced. It must be so tiring what you are going through and there really is nothing fair about any of this, it's such a cruel existence which brings so many to this point of wishing to exit.

 

[noname223]

I have a nasty virus (not COVID - I tested myself - but very similar symptoms) and although the worst of it has passed, I'm still reeling from the side effects. I'm still a wreck in the aftermath.

It unravelled all of my hard work in an instant. The months spent trying to build a better life and improve my health. The lifeline that was afforded to me by LDN, which wavered regularly and could be snatched away in an instant. The hopes of cultivating new connections, happy relationships, finding a career, actually living a life.

It's gone. All of it. I'm back to square one, constantly exhausted and in pain. Contending with heavy limbs and a perpetually muddled mind.

I'm back in this bed in this tiny home in between these four walls - four walls I never wanted to be forced to see 24/7 ever again.

And of course, any friendships I thought I'd built have all crumbled once again. No-one wants a permanently sick, enfeebled friend or lover. Connections have shown themselves to once again be shallow and empty, entirely contingent on my ability to go out and be a source of endless entertainment.

And it's all because of a virus, a nasty bug that has been making the rounds. An illness most people recover from in a matter of days. But with my weak immune system, it ravages my body and I'm left with long-term consequences that are never fully healed.

No matter what I do or how much progress I make, I always find myself back here. My life is like a carousel, an inescapable loop that always leads back to suicide. I can't escape death by my own hand.

I will always remember how kind you treated me. You don't deserve such a nightmarish life. I probably cannot imagine how imprisonment in such a tiny home/ room or an easily exhausted body must feel like. It is very cruel that your "friends" betrayed you. For someone with negative experiences in social interactions this must increase the mistrust in other humans. And possibly remind you of past traumatas.

I can relate to many things you wrote. And I am anxious as fuck when the time comes my carousel will repeat the loop.

 

[sunsetting]

It feels like a curse doesn't it? An eternal cycle of shit that life flings at you. One moment it feels like things are getting on track and then you get a warm reminder that's not how the dance goes, at least for you.
I've only got fucked up by a virus once and don't wish it upon anyone, hope your health gets better and you're able to reach something better than before.