Discussion Failure with girls as a reason to ctb

[JustAboutDone]

It's extremely easy to see a pattern of physical attractiveness in most couples. And I'm not trying to blame anyone for that, we are all attracted to beauty.

Have you read Roald Dahl's book "The Twits" ?

 

[JustAboutDone]

It was an expression If people based their lives on exceptions, life would be extremely chaotic and full of suffering.

That's twice you've laughed in a mere two days
Definitely a secret sense of humour squirreled away there somewhere

 

[LoNatural]

Have you read Roald Dahl's book "The Twits" ?

No,but I´ve read "The evolution of desire" and "a billion wicked thoughts" tho

 

[JustAboutDone]

No,but I´ve read "The evolution of desire" and "a billion wicked thoughts" tho

You'll learn more from The Twits. Trust me.

 

[CJM]

I personally think attraction is physical and personality wise, who they are if they're awesome counts but if you're not physically attracted to each other which plays a big part in a healthy relationship (call sex overrated as much as you like) you're basically just friends.

 

[lost illusions]

I can't comment on whether being a failure with girls is a valid reason to ctb - it's a totally personal thing and everyone has their own reasons which are entirely valid to them and they don't have to feel they need to justify them to anyone.

I don't know that you should 'write yourself off' though in that way. I think that girls/women often are attracted to someone who is, I hesitate to use the word 'confident' but someone who is at ease with themselves so maybe if you can find a way to be comfortable in your own skin you won't give off vibes that say 'I hate myself so you should too'

And some people do give off those vibes!

This is true, I'm proof

 

[lost illusions]

Dont blame other people..blame yourself
Would you as a MAN be interested in dating an obese, ugly and dumb woman?

So tell us why would a woman be interested in dating a man who doesn't make a minimum effort to
improve himself, in life we cant get what we want, we only get what we deserve

Hell yeah I would date a woman that isn't perfect, someone who has scars or been through some shit in their life. I wouldn't want a barbie doll. Life is hard as fuck. I'd want someone beside me, not something on the shelf

 

[lost illusions]

I think the concept of single = death is a real one.
No validation
No stability
I have to agree with cjm
Relationships are basically friendships
Some like myself can't build nor sustain relationships of any kind
Thus repeating the cycle

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I can empathize and I don't judge anyone for feeling suicidal from a lack of companionship. I don't think you need to be great looking or have money or anything like that, but I think you do need a certain something that works for you, whatever it may be. One of the few things that kept me going this long is that I have always done pretty well with girls despite not having money or the best looks or whatever. But that's because there are myriad ways to compensate for those things. There are literally a million ways to attract someone; charm, intelligence, passion, sincerity, depth, humor, etc. If you can combine a few of those, you're golden.

Anyway, as much as I sympathize with the situation, there are countless ways to remedy it. So as such, I feel like it doesn't need to be a reason for ctb if a person is willing to work at it.

 

[To match the colors]

completely understandable.

 

[Circles]

Relationships aren't the only aspect of life to be valued.

Yet we wouldn't exist without them. As far as we know the only purpose in life is the survival of the species. If you fail at literally the only thing that nature has intended for you to do, of course it seems hopeless atleast to the people who never had what a lot have experienced. It's only overrated after the fact for the people who have already experienced it whereas people who haven't can't proclaim 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'. And while it's one of my reasons also, I'm just too tired of trying and failing at something that seems like too much effort and could end as soon as I show my vulnerability and suicidal tendencies.

 

[Logic]

That´s my personal motive. A lack of looks, patience and social awareness has made the quest of finding a fulfilling relationship simply impossible.

I don´t look good enough for attracting girls for casual dating, I´m too lazy to work for a gold digger and too narcissistic to settle with a woman that doesn´t fulfil my ridiculous standards. It simply won't happen, and life loses most of its magic when you are fucked in that regard.

Any more suicidal creeps out there?

What have you tried to get better with girls? The most important factors with being better with girls are things as confidence, talking to girls etc. Not looks.

 

[Circles]

What have you tried to get better with girls? The most important factors with being better with girls are things as confidence, talking to girls etc. Not looks.

Confidence comes from experience, practice and a friendly environment with others to help build yourself up. You can't just summon confidence out of the blue especially for people who never was able to form confidence in oneself. It takes time, effort, energy, courage etc. just to build enough confidence to asking some random guy or girl out you hardly know which is a battle in itself. It puts a lot of pressure on your vulnerabilities trying to put a mask on and essentially not being able to be ourselves. Plus not everybody has a very exciting and social life, have any hobbies let alone enjoying anything in life period and because of this the potential relationship that may follow will be made up of lies just so you don't present yourself as an boring outcast. Talking to girls? Talking itself? That's laughable especially for people who can't keep a conversation going past the initial encounter. You have to talk about specific things (no depressing/morbid topics) and of those things you talk about you have to have an interest in it just to keep the conversation going. It's a ripple effect, a never ending battle until you run out of things to say. And that's the tip of the iceberg here. The anxiety, the self hatred, the inability to effectively communicate with other humans, financial stability, background, job security, future goals, humor, looks (yes looks are a major factor), etc. so many things add up that determines your success.

 

[Hunter]

Once you realize another person won't make you happy, you'll take the dating thing a lot less seriously.

 

[LiveSlowDieFast]

Confidence comes from experience, practice and a friendly environment with others to help build yourself up. You can't just summon confidence out of the blue especially for people who never was able to form confidence in oneself. It takes time, effort, energy, courage etc. just to build enough confidence to asking some random guy or girl out you hardly know which is a battle in itself. It puts a lot of pressure on your vulnerabilities trying to put a mask on and essentially not being able to be ourselves. Plus not everybody has a very exciting and social life, have any hobbies let alone enjoying anything in life period and because of this the potential relationship that may follow will be made up of lies just so you don't present yourself as an boring outcast. Talking to girls? Talking itself? That's laughable especially for people who can't keep a conversation going past the initial encounter. You have to talk about specific things (no depressing/morbid topics) and of those things you talk about you have to have an interest in it just to keep the conversation going. It's a ripple effect, a never ending battle until you run out of things to say. And that's the tip of the iceberg here. The anxiety, the self hatred, the inability to effectively communicate with other humans, financial stability, background, job security, future goals, humor, looks (yes looks are a major factor), etc. so many things add up that determines your success.

You summed this extremely well, much better than I could ever have.

 

[LoNatural]

Once you realize another person won't make you happy, you'll take the dating thing a lot less seriously.

Again, wish I could live that monk lifestyle. If you find a way to teach that let me tell you, you´ll make a lot of money.

 

[Logic]

Confidence comes from experience, practice and a friendly environment with others to help build yourself up. You can't just summon confidence out of the blue especially for people who never was able to form confidence in oneself. It takes time, effort, energy, courage etc. just to build enough confidence to asking some random guy or girl out you hardly know which is a battle in itself. It puts a lot of pressure on your vulnerabilities trying to put a mask on and essentially not being able to be ourselves. Plus not everybody has a very exciting and social life, have any hobbies let alone enjoying anything in life period and because of this the potential relationship that may follow will be made up of lies just so you don't present yourself as an boring outcast. Talking to girls? Talking itself? That's laughable especially for people who can't keep a conversation going past the initial encounter. You have to talk about specific things (no depressing/morbid topics) and of those things you talk about you have to have an interest in it just to keep the conversation going. It's a ripple effect, a never ending battle until you run out of things to say. And that's the tip of the iceberg here. The anxiety, the self hatred, the inability to effectively communicate with other humans, financial stability, background, job security, future goals, humor, looks (yes looks are a major factor), etc. so many things add up that determines your success.

I never said it would be easy!

 

[Hunter]

Again, wish I could live that monk lifestyle. If you find a way to teach that let me tell you, you´ll make a lot of money.

It's not an attempt at asceticism. I've been in relationships and have learned that most connections are temporary and usually end once someone stops getting what they want from the exchange. That probably sounds reductive/cynical but I'm a misanthrope so... yeah.

When I was younger, I used to spend hours wasting time, lying in bed, and fantasizing about being loved romantically. Looking back on that, I am kind of embarrassed. I could have spent those years pursuing my personal goals and learning to live in the real world. I think unconsciously I thought another person would save me from my own unhappiness. Maybe for some people it does, but I wouldn't count on it.

 

[Circles]

I never said it would be easy!

Well it's not as easy as a lot people here think it is. It's like people telling someone to just 'snap out of it' and 'just be yourself, be charming and make her laugh' as if it comes natural.

 

[TAW122]

This is indeed one of my major reasons (including personal reasons) that I would ctb. While currently I am not interested in a relationship or women in general, the fact that I am unable to do so (if I wanted to) depresses me significantly. The inability to attractive other women and be able to date them or be in a relationship with one is really depressing. So in other words, it's not the fact that I don't have a relationship that I'm depressed about, but rather the inability/lack of capability to do so if I wanted one.

Anyways, I don't think your reason to ctb is any less valid. They are your reasons and if this is an important reason to you, then you don't owe any justification to anyone or their view on what is considered valid/not. Only you will ultimately determine which reasons are valid or not. No reason is invalid and I hate how society picks and choose which reasons are valid/aren't.

 

[Circles]

This is indeed one of my major reasons (including personal reasons) that I would ctb. While currently I am not interested in a relationship or women in general, the fact that I am unable to do so (if I wanted to) depresses me significantly. The inability to attractive other women and be able to date them or be in a relationship with one is really depressing. So in other words, it's not the fact that I don't have a relationship that I'm depressed about, but rather the inability/lack of capability to do so if I wanted one.

Anyways, I don't think your reason to ctb is any less valid. They are your reasons and if this is an important reason to you, then you don't owe any justification to anyone or their view on what is considered valid/not. Only you will ultimately determine which reasons are valid or not. No reason is invalid and I hate how society picks and choose which reasons are valid/aren't.

Slightly off topic but you reminded me of when lifers would try to say that everyone will meet someone eventually and give a random example of pure optimistic bias of someone in their 30s,40s,50s+ who waited and finally got a loving relationship. It just seems unfathomable waiting for something with no guarantee that it will happen and even putting yourself out there won't guarantee you anything. It's all a roll of the dice and I sure as fuck am not waiting to die as a 40+ year old virgin. For real, all I know that is guaranteed is that I'll be working all my life, suffering in one form or another and then dying. Happiness, relationships, hell everything that supposedly makes life worth living has no guarantee of happening to us.

 

[TAW122]

Slightly off topic but you reminded me of when lifers would try to say that everyone will meet someone eventually and give a random example of pure optimistic bias of someone in their 30s,40s,50s+ who waited and finally got a loving relationship. It just seems unfathomable waiting for something with no guarantee that it will happen and even putting yourself out there won't guarantee you anything. It's all a roll of the dice and I sure as fuck am not waiting to die as a 40+ year old virgin. For real, all I know that is guaranteed is that I'll be working all my life, suffering in one form or another and then dying. Happiness, relationships, hell everything that supposedly makes life worth living has no guarantee of happening to us.

Exactly and this is what I've thought too. There is no guarantee that happiness will come or that a relationship will happen. The optimism bias from pro-lifers are very disgusting indeed and yes, I think it is ridiculous that they want others to put oneself out there for no guaranty or assurance of a reasonable expectation for success. They are oftenly too deluded in their minds to even consider that most end up in failures (it's just that failures are not talked about, mentioned, or worst yet, ignored), therefore I think it is unfathomable that sometimes there is simply just no hope or no success for some people. Yet when one mentions the obvious or try to bring reality reasoning into the discussion they deliberately ignore it as it inconveniently hinders their rosy tinted views.

 

[Logic]

Well it's not as easy as a lot people here think it is. It's like people telling someone to just 'snap out of it' and 'just be yourself, be charming and make her laugh' as if it comes natural.

It's also not impossible though. You make a series of small good choice in the right direction and eventually you are much better with the opposite sex and no longer a failure.

 

[Logic]

Slightly off topic but you reminded me of when lifers would try to say that everyone will meet someone eventually and give a random example of pure optimistic bias of someone in their 30s,40s,50s+ who waited and finally got a loving relationship. It just seems unfathomable waiting for something with no guarantee that it will happen and even putting yourself out there won't guarantee you anything. It's all a roll of the dice and I sure as fuck am not waiting to die as a 40+ year old virgin. For real, all I know that is guaranteed is that I'll be working all my life, suffering in one form or another and then dying. Happiness, relationships, hell everything that supposedly makes life worth living has no guarantee of happening to us.

You have to make it happen. If you are sitting around waiting for things to change nothing is going to change!

 

[lululoo]

I can empathize and I don't judge anyone for feeling suicidal from a lack of companionship. I don't think you need to be great looking or have money or anything like that, but I think you do need a certain something that works for you, whatever it may be. One of the few things that kept me going this long is that I have always done pretty well with girls despite not having money or the best looks or whatever. But that's because there are myriad ways to compensate for those things. There are literally a million ways to attract someone; charm, intelligence, passion, sincerity, depth, humor, etc. If you can combine a few of those, you're golden.

Anyway, as much as I sympathize with the situation, there are countless ways to remedy it. So as such, I feel like it doesn't need to be a reason for ctb if a person is willing to work at it.

Sometimes it just can't be remedied. I don't think that is true for the OP-- 19 is way way wayyyyy too young to give up--- but... speaking for myself... I'm 35. Friends tell me I'm attractive and funny and smart and nice. Or at least they used to. I'm not ugly and I'm not fat. But very few guys have ever been interested in me for more than sex and I've never had a long term relationship. And that is one of my big reasons for CBTing. I've done therapy to try to figure it out and fix it (for years and years) and it hasn't helped. So there's not always an answer. I wish I weren't so unlovable.

 

[Logic]

This is indeed one of my major reasons (including personal reasons) that I would ctb. While currently I am not interested in a relationship or women in general, the fact that I am unable to do so (if I wanted to) depresses me significantly. The inability to attractive other women and be able to date them or be in a relationship with one is really depressing. So in other words, it's not the fact that I don't have a relationship that I'm depressed about, but rather the inability/lack of capability to do so if I wanted one.

Anyways, I don't think your reason to ctb is any less valid. They are your reasons and if this is an important reason to you, then you don't owe any justification to anyone or their view on what is considered valid/not. Only you will ultimately determine which reasons are valid or not. No reason is invalid and I hate how society picks and choose which reasons are valid/aren't.

I don't think you should kill yourself based on false information becuase it's false information. Ie if I kill myself becuase I think people do not care about me, but people actually do care about me in the way i am thinking that would be a bad descion because it's on bad information!

What do you mean by you are unable to? See what you are really saying is you are unable to attract the opposite sex without changing whatever factors. So why not determine and change those factors?

 

[existenceissuffering]

This might not help, but I'm hoping it could give you some hope. I was dating someone, and ended up breaking up with him. He was desperate for a relationship. He kept begging me to get back together with him and at one point, he called the suicide hotline and was admitted to the mental hospital because he was so upset about being single. Now he's been in a relationship with a girl for over 6 months and it's working out really well. It took him around 4 years, maybe even more to find the right girl. But now he's happy.

 

[Broken]

I can't comment on whether being a failure with girls is a valid reason to ctb - it's a totally personal thing and everyone has their own reasons which are entirely valid to them and they don't have to feel they need to justify them to anyone.

I don't know that you should 'write yourself off' though in that way. I think that girls/women often are attracted to someone who is, I hesitate to use the word 'confident' but someone who is at ease with themselves so maybe

It's not an attempt at asceticism. I've been in relationships and have learned that most connections are temporary and usually end once someone stops getting what they want from the exchange. That probably sounds reductive/cynical but I'm a misanthrope so... yeah.

When I was younger, I used to spend hours wasting time, lying in bed, and fantasizing about being loved romantically. Looking back on that, I am kind of embarrassed. I could have spent those years pursuing my personal goals and learning to live in the real world. I think unconsciously I thought another person would save me from my own unhappiness. Maybe for some people it does, but I wouldn't count on it.

I was lucky enough to meet someone that accepted me with all my flaws. I lied about being a drug addict because I was lazy and when she had it out with me and I admitted it she was still their for me. I told her I wanted to change and not be a drug addict and that really was what I wanted. Then I continued on being a living drug addict. My actions didn't match with my words and I let myself and her down. My point is that I didn't think I was capable of being loved and I was even with all my flaws. No she didn't try to change me. I didn't change me. I'm pretty messed up now. I've felt hurt before after other relationship breakups but bounced back quick enough. This one has fucked me because I no I could have done so much better. By not living up to my values I lost the only person that's ever romantically loved me. I've lost my happiness at work because my ex no longer works at the same place as me but every day I go in it's like a constant reminder that I messed up such a great thing. I had lived a life before meeting my ex where all my friends were drug users. It took meeting my ex to realise these people weren't my friends. Friends are there for each other no matter what. My so called friends only liked me if I had drugs. So I got away from the bad friends but stupidly didn't kick the drug habit and I lost her and now I'm alone. I can't and wouldn't want to go back to my druggy friends because for the first time I'm my life I'd realised how much I'd existed instead of living. Those people don't fulfill me and it s like work being reminded that you had such a great life and you screwed it. So my punishment for letting down the one person that loved me and wanted the best for me is that I now just exist. I LIVED as a child/teenager to the age of 15 and was happy. From 15 to 30 I just existed as a drug addict. 30 to 31 I was with her and without even trying to make my life better it was amazing. Even as a drug addict it was amazing. Let her down though and now I just exist........I'm really hoping I get the chance to live life again. I've existed for the last 6 months and I no that I'm going to carry this wound(hopefully it will get easier with time) probably until I have a shot at love and whatever happens I can hold my head up high. I think what I'm trying to say is there are people that out there that are not shallow and just want to connect with the right person and give love and be loved. If the person is right for you they'll accept your flaws. They'll support you if you no you need to improve. Just don't tell that one person that supports and loves you that you no you need to change and then don't. When that person that was always there for you gets fed up and leaves as I've discovered it's soul destroying

 

[Circles]

You have to make it happen. If you are sitting around waiting for things to change nothing is going to change!

Easier said than done. First how do you make it happen? You see right now I just asked you something that may be obvious to you since you think it's easy. No. It's easy for you or atleast that is how you're describing it. Whereas with myself and others it's hard. You cannot fathom the ball buster it is trying to put myself out there and how it feels on a sensitive level to know how unwanted I feel that no one cares enough to get to know me. You obviously will never understand how lonely someone can be and I envy you. I can't just snap out of the only behavior that I've always known. Also do you really think that some woman will want deal with a suicidal, mentally ill, pessimistic outcast with no goals in life, who doesn't enjoy much about anything, let alone my inability to communicate and express love, physical traits, defeatist attitude, drug/alcohol addict, anger issues, recurring bum, no humor, no skills, no hobbies, NO LIFE, etc. Do you really think anyone would accept the whole mess that I am? Like are you for real? Just look at how much I have to do to change about myself just to stand out. Can you even emphasize with me? You're right nothing is going to change because changing is an impossibility for me. And again even if I work tirelessly on myself to improve there is no guarantee that any of the hope you spout will happen and even if it did work out I'd still find a way to fuck it all up. What is up with all this pro-lifer advice that's flooding the site? It's like you just don't get it.

 

[Broken]

Easier said than done. First how do you make it happen? You see right now I just asked you something that may be obvious to you since you think it's easy. No. It's easy for you or atleast that is how you're describing it. Whereas with myself and others it's hard. You cannot fathom the ball buster it is trying to put myself out there and how it feels I'm a sensitive level to know how unwanted I feel that no one cares enough to get to know me. You obviously will never understand that and I envy you. Also do you really think that some woman will want deal with a suicidal, mentally ill, pessimistic outcast with no goals in life, who doesn't enjoy much about anything, let alone my inability to communicate and express love, physical traits, defeatist attitude, drug/alcohol addict, anger issues, recurring bum, no humor, no skills, no hobbies, NO LIFE, etc. Do you really think anyone would accept the whole mess that I am? Like are you for real? Just look at how much I have to do to change about myself just to stand out. Can you even emphasize with me? You're right nothing is going to change because changing is an impossibility for me.

I do no how you feel about not being accepted. I felt like that for years. Drugs stopped me from realising that l could have had a good life a lot sooner if I had got off them. I'm living proof that if you wait long enough things can come to you/just happen/fall into place. the only problem was with that attitude I didn't appreciate what I had and I lost them. Everyone has the right to feel however they feel about relationships and what's fair and what isn't to there circumstances. All I no is. I lost someone because I couldn't stop taking drugs. I always had thoughts that I'd be drug free in the future and me and my ex would have an amazing life. Now I have lost her and I am now drug free. I'm still shell shocked that I've lost her. Always live up to your values. You CAN start to make hard changes that will make all the difference in the future. 10 years ago I was in a bad place in life. I did the bare minimum to get myself happy. If I'd quit drugs 10 years ago I would have had a different life and I'm pretty sure it would have been better. And now all this time later I've realised I've created my own suicidal unhappiness. I no now my only options are to die or to cling to the tiny bit of hope I have left accept my life has gone to shit but strive to get to the year 2029 and not have to have the regrets that I now have from not sorting myself out 10 years ago