Failed suicide attempt causing brain damage

[hollywhite13]

Hi my brain is a bit tired now so sorry about mistakes. I just need a bit of advice and understanding. In 2006, I took not a big overdose of nurofen plus and anyway I suffered a seizure and suffered some brain damage - aphasia - I'd never had a boyfriend or a job since. I was out of my mind depressed at the time probably suffering from OCD which I didn't know I had at the time - I was convinced I was schizophrenic - that is a major theme within OCD since I'd learn - fear of going mad. Anyway I tried to make the best of it - I now had a brain deficit that was driving me mad but as I said I tried to make the best of it. Now it's 17 years later - just recovering from cancer - I know you think oh this should make me appreciate life - it hasn't and I'm feel so guilty of this but it just makes me look at all I'd missed out on and I can't face another 20 years like this. I'm actually a good person - I just can't figure out why this happened to me. I'd say now that I was a bit on the spectrum- I had social anxiety at school but I tried to mask the hell out of it. I tried to end it last year with liquid Prozac and bp pills but it didn't work. I am so tired of it - I just feel sad for my younger self who didn't know what the fuck was wrong with her, I feel guilty for leaving everyone but I'm tired of this mild aphasia - I can't get a job or a boyfriend. I suffer from OCD too - the intrusive thoughts one and that was torture. I do not know how to fill my days - I'm so isolated - I'd desperately tried to fix this but I'm do fucking lonely - I'd done this for 17 years and I just can't do it for another. I'd had enough and I'd had it for a long time. I'm so fed up and sad and frustrated all the time. I don't even want to go up for this cancer saving treatment - I don't want to be here at all. It's like someone is playing a practical joke on me. I'm was hoping it would actually kill me - I know that sounds awful but believe it or not I'm not a prick, I'm actually an ok person. I'm just so tired of it. I go over that day in 2006 so much in my head - how stupid I was. Just wondering can someone help me. Or just reply to me and give your opinion.