Fading away and losing who I am as a person

[StarFaded]

I'm known online to my friends as Star. It was a name that came to be serendipitously but over time, it's become who I am and what I try to be - a shining bright star and positive influence on the people around me.

I'm jovial and funny to all my online friends (I've cut off and ghosted my irl ones) and they seem to like talking to me and enjoy my company. I'm highly empathetic, maybe because I'm INFP, so I relate to people easily.

But my reality is that I've been abused my whole life. First by my father and then in relationships. My current partner tells me how much I make him unhappy and suffer, how much he regrets being with me, how I'm no one will want me except for sex, how much I'm actually a lying, ungrateful piece of shit and pretending to be a good person to everyone but actually I'm the worst fucking person ever.

I'm not the perfect partner or person but I always try to be a good, kind person and have morals, to always do the right thing. Often, my partner says that me getting defensive and lying to try and stop our arguments, to get him to "shut up and go away" is disrespectful to him.

I'm in my 30s and I was diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive type) with depression and anxiety co-morbidities last year. He says it's not a real diagnosis, just an educated guess from my two psychiatrists and the "error bars are very high", that I don't take responsibility for my own failures and weaknesses. He claims that I always act like he's an abuser and being horrible to me when all he does is take care of me while I'm being a disrespectful bitch to him.

I mull over what he says alot, going through them over and over in my head. And it becomes affirmation even though I try to not let it.

At this point I'm really sick of life, sick of everything and too mentally and emotionally drained. This star has faded and I just want to return to the universe and cease to exist.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Edit: To address some of the concerns people have brought up, I can't leave him without financially crippling myself because he's been the one taking care of me this whole time. I've no savings of my own and completely dependent on him. I've wanted to die for a few years now and my partner treating me like this is just the last straw for me.

 

[salieri]

You should think of the current situation as an obstacle and less of you fading away. I think you are a good person. He's just warping you're mind to hide his own insecurities.

 

[electric blue]

Hi Star,

You sound like a wonderful person who has been treated poorly by the people in their life. I can't pretend to understand everything you have been through, but I can see how much it is distressing you.

I know this forum is not really a place to offer solutions, but I couldn't help but notice one of the biggest problems you talk about is your partner. This person does not sound like they care for you or love you. I believe you should leave them or break up with them. I know that may be difficult because I do not know your circumstances, but I believe you would be doing a disservice to yourself by continuing to be with a person who is adding onto these negative feelings you have (regardless of if you choose to CTB). I am not saying this because I believe it would make you feel better, but because you seem to understand that people who treat you poorly are not worth your time and this should be no exception.

 

[SexyIncél]

If I may ask, is it very hard to end that relationship? Regardless of details, both of you suffer. To the point of ending your existence

 

[StarFaded]

If I may ask, is it very hard to end that relationship? Regardless of details, both of you suffer. To the point of ending your existence

I've edited my post to answer your question but yeah, it is very hard for us to just end this relationship.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrible situation to be trapped in, it really is so awful how humans can be so unnecessarily cruel and make the existences of others much worse. It's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from this hellish world but anyway I wish you the best.