thrim
Member
- Jan 23, 2026
- 10
I had plans to CTB tonight. Honestly it wasn't going to be grand either. No "one last" cry for help, no notes other than the existing things I made when I journaled to myself online, nothing planned out the way I tend to constantly fantasize about.
It was going to be perfect though, or so I had hoped. I was banking on this, banking on the SWB method because it's all I've got, all or nothing. I didn't care if it was reliable or not, I don't want to hear anything about the method (sorry). it seemed to be the one that was going to work the most for me, the thing that was going to do the work for me. But things never go the way I expect them to. Spring break is already over. This was my last opportunity, and I blew it. I never wanted to set foot back in that place just to feel as isolated as always. More, if even. My parents had another argument, so they're sleeping in different bedrooms. One happens to be right next to mine and its also our only bathroom beside the one connected to the master. This ruined everything. I am so angry and I want nothing more than to disappear. I don't want to be walked in on so soon for a midnight bathroom break. I feel like such a child for being this upset while this is my life in question. Just another tantrum.
I wanted to stop trying. Tomorrow I'm going back on a silly schedule and will have nothing but my brain telling me things I don't want to hear. I'm going to have to force myself to get up and do everything all over again. I don't want to live a human life anymore. I just want to run away from it all, but I can't. I'm so angry. I know I'm going to be a failure. I may already be 18, but I know I will not graduate on time. My family wanted to watch me walk. I already know I won't. I am such a disappointment to those around me. I can't do anything right. Honestly I don't even care about walking because I have no attachment to this system or the people in it. But I DO care about what my family will think, and I know they will think less of me and treat me differently. The way I see it, doing this would have been just me returning the favor by not allowing my family to experience this disappointment with someone who is still alive. My mom will reinforce the negative beliefs I have over myself, and I don't want to imagine what my father would say. I still have around two months, but tonight really would have been perfect. I didn't feel tired enough to just fantasize, make halfhearted plans, and then pretend like I am actually setting them off for another day. I really had the heart to do it, I wasn't going to be a coward this time around. The ONLY time I put my mind to it, and its all ruined.
Funny how the world works, isn't it? I didn't even have it in me to cry or hold extreme emotional attachment over this, only when it was put off-track did I feel anything, and it's just a very shallow sense of helplessness and frustration.
I really hope everything can resolve itself by next week. I hope I can hold onto the same energy I have today instead of reverting to my old habits of not putting my mind to it, being more depressed than actively trying to will myself into death. Focusing on the fear than just.. doing it and hope it works out.
I usually tend to tell people that everything will work itself out and "you will be okay! It always will be as long as you keep trying!". I stopped trying myself so long ago. This feels like some big joke being played on me.
Whatever the case, I'm still going to have to keep functioning tomorrow and the days following. Maybe this is building up into a better opportunity for me? Who knows.
If you read this far or are just skimming through it nonetheless, I hope you have a great night :-). ᓚᘏᗢ
It was going to be perfect though, or so I had hoped. I was banking on this, banking on the SWB method because it's all I've got, all or nothing. I didn't care if it was reliable or not, I don't want to hear anything about the method (sorry). it seemed to be the one that was going to work the most for me, the thing that was going to do the work for me. But things never go the way I expect them to. Spring break is already over. This was my last opportunity, and I blew it. I never wanted to set foot back in that place just to feel as isolated as always. More, if even. My parents had another argument, so they're sleeping in different bedrooms. One happens to be right next to mine and its also our only bathroom beside the one connected to the master. This ruined everything. I am so angry and I want nothing more than to disappear. I don't want to be walked in on so soon for a midnight bathroom break. I feel like such a child for being this upset while this is my life in question. Just another tantrum.
I wanted to stop trying. Tomorrow I'm going back on a silly schedule and will have nothing but my brain telling me things I don't want to hear. I'm going to have to force myself to get up and do everything all over again. I don't want to live a human life anymore. I just want to run away from it all, but I can't. I'm so angry. I know I'm going to be a failure. I may already be 18, but I know I will not graduate on time. My family wanted to watch me walk. I already know I won't. I am such a disappointment to those around me. I can't do anything right. Honestly I don't even care about walking because I have no attachment to this system or the people in it. But I DO care about what my family will think, and I know they will think less of me and treat me differently. The way I see it, doing this would have been just me returning the favor by not allowing my family to experience this disappointment with someone who is still alive. My mom will reinforce the negative beliefs I have over myself, and I don't want to imagine what my father would say. I still have around two months, but tonight really would have been perfect. I didn't feel tired enough to just fantasize, make halfhearted plans, and then pretend like I am actually setting them off for another day. I really had the heart to do it, I wasn't going to be a coward this time around. The ONLY time I put my mind to it, and its all ruined.
Funny how the world works, isn't it? I didn't even have it in me to cry or hold extreme emotional attachment over this, only when it was put off-track did I feel anything, and it's just a very shallow sense of helplessness and frustration.
I really hope everything can resolve itself by next week. I hope I can hold onto the same energy I have today instead of reverting to my old habits of not putting my mind to it, being more depressed than actively trying to will myself into death. Focusing on the fear than just.. doing it and hope it works out.
I usually tend to tell people that everything will work itself out and "you will be okay! It always will be as long as you keep trying!". I stopped trying myself so long ago. This feels like some big joke being played on me.
Whatever the case, I'm still going to have to keep functioning tomorrow and the days following. Maybe this is building up into a better opportunity for me? Who knows.
If you read this far or are just skimming through it nonetheless, I hope you have a great night :-). ᓚᘏᗢ
