Venting Explaining my brain

[ctbgurl]

I feel that it's very easy to portray feelings to people when you don't actually feel that emotion. None of my family members know the true "Me", simply because I choose to put on a totally different personality/way of speaking when around them. It's funny how when I am around people i'm not familiar with, I don't put on any "personality" and my family notices that. They see how detached and judgmental I am in public, and they are aware of my mental illnesses; just not aware of the extent as i'm very good at masking my personality, if you can even call it that. I do this so they won't suspect anything of me, like CTB or hurting myself/others because I don't want them to try to stop me from doing ANYTHING I want to do, which is what they've done my whole life. They're unlovable people who manipulate, abuse, brainwash their kids and can't properly grasp the reasoning of why someone who's lived such a reasonless life would want to CTB. They're dense, and they need to be dealt with. They're what ultimately makes me despise this world, I assume.

Back to the portrayal of feelings, what I ACTUALLY feel inside is quite simple. I have no regard for anyone, and every feeling is exactly the same. Whether something good or bad happens, it's one hit to the chest or heart jerk for a split second and i feel nothing again. I'm not able to be content with life this way. That's why I am the way I am.