Venting exhausted

[circleofdepression]

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I feel completely destroyed by my mental health I don't even feel like myself anymore. I barely recognise myself I think my family can sense this too I can feel them moving further and further away from me. I feel so alone and hopeless I don't know where to turn. Suicide feels like my only viable option. I want the nothingness, the unconsciousness just the peace. I hope there is no afterlife.

I don't have access to my meds. I don't even have my own house key. Everything got taken away from me after my last failed attempt. This leaves me with the option of hanging myself. I just don't want my family to be the ones to find my body. Yet I can't continue living like this, it isn't even living it is just suffering.

Or do I act okay for a bit get their trust back get my house key back and then ctb.

I feel so guilty for feeling and thinking this way. I am terrible human being and a waste of space even more reason for me to ctb. There is no redemption for me, there is no medication or therapy out there. I shouldn't have been born. By ctb I am just putting a mistake right.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Sorry that you're having to go through this mental anguish. I don't want to encourage anything. You just have to do what you feel is best for yourself and your own mental health. You shouldn't feel guilty at all for the way you feel. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions.

I pray that you can find peace one day.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, life really is exhausting. I understand how hard it is to be trapped in a hopeless situation. I also wish I was never born, to me life is just suffering for the sake of it. The idea of eternal nothingness brings me such comfort. I wish you well.

 

[catdaddy2601]

Whatever you do, I hope it's as painless as possible. I'm literally at that point ready to ctb so I would be a hypocrite to try and talk you out of it... I wish I could say it gets better, but some of us are too damaged to fix... I know I am :( Sending love and light ur way and always here if u need someone to talk to who will never judge

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I hope you find the peace you desire on the other side. I'm sorry life has led you in this direction. I wish you peace

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

This sounds super shitty. Why do you need to get your house key back for exiting existence?

I relate to a lot of what you said.

 

[SuicideRun]

If it can make you feel better, you're not the only one who thinks so. I also feel so useless in this way that he runs without me.

 

[flagmaster]

I am sorry you are going through this.

There is no easy option. If you regain the trust of your family by 'acting' okay and then you ctb, they will spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves and wishing that they never gave you back that key.

If you ctb in their premises and in an environment they have chosen to protect you and then they also find your body, the psychological / emotional impact would be extreme. They will wonder what they should of done differently.

If you stay, how does this influence your existence. It sounds clear in your post that you're hurting a lot. Thing is, as far as we're all aware, we never registered or signed up to be here. Our existence was decided for us. Fortunately, we are consciously aware and capable of acknowledging this and are also capable of doing something about it. There's a way out but it comes with the consequences on how it will leave a lasting experience on those who we leave in the aftermath of our demise. On the other hand, a lifetime of suffering is not a life at all and you'd only be here for other people… that's how I feel.

I know this post probably doesent contain the answer you're looking for but hopefully it helps you feel less alone. Sending lots of love.