I feel like I have to kill myself at this point tbh like something bad will happen if I don't. I wish I was a different person entirely like I could leave everything behind me and start fresh but I know I cant because no matter where I go I will follow myself. no matter how much I change I will always be the same person. When I was younger like eight made a sort of prophecy for myself I would keep on pushing myself hard and try my best to avoid it but one day I will crash and burn and that after that when I turn 20 I will surely find some stupid way too die slowly without anybody in the world caring about me and regretting everything. At the time it was a little far fetched I was overall a pretty good kid but now its not so far fetched I really fucked everything up somehow but things were probably always meant to be this way I knew that back then and i know it for sure now.
I forgot about my prediction of what my life would be like and I did as I said I would automatically I only thought of my downfall and I thought of it as preventable as long as I did all the right things so that's what I tried to do. I didn't do anything that I thought would lead me down the path to my down fall I didn't do drugs, I didn't hand around the wrong people, I didn't even swear, anything that could potentially lead me down a bad path I avoided thinking that it would bring me to my salvation but you cant fight destiny. during this I was depressed which is the usual for me and there were always some bad habits that I just could keep down like being impulsive and aggressive or skipping school no matter how much i tried. I even tried not being aggressive or a bad, angry, and sensitive person to the point of being a pushover letting everyone walk all over me because although sometimes anger did get the better of me I knew that if I stopped trying to control myself It would surely lead to my destruction. the same with skipping school it started slowly but I never managed to really beat that bad habit and it all came to a crescendo in in 2025.
at the start of 2025 my habit of skipping school was starting to get really bad I was the punching bag of basically any friend group I was in and I guess I was just to stupid to leave them or even asking them to stop with the jokes. instead I chose the best decision which was of course to skip more days of school id skip at least 2 periods a day and come in for the second half for everyday I wasn't skipping. Of course this only made me more depressed with everyone seeing how much more of a failure I was becoming but then finally after I skipped two weeks straight of classes i managed to get out of my depression for a bit as I often did, I stopped skipping as much, I came in every almost every day for every period lmao you should've heard the cheering the first day I came back into math class made me feel like a celebrity. then of course one skipped day turned into three and I gave up completely I decided that I should've ended it on a high note when everyone thought I was doing better so they wouldn't have a bad impression of me I guess. so I go to a mall next too my apartment building I told mom I was going to buy a new jacket but I left with the knife I always kept in my old and torn jacket with the intent to go to a stores changing room and kill myself in a changing room in one of the stores in the mall. and it was as if fate itself was driving me to that specific store some I even ran into some people I knew they offered me too hang out with them but I was still dead set on that store nothing could change my mind and it would've all been fine if it just ended as a normal attempt or even an actually suicide but no of course there has to be some stupid ass story to come with it.
I head into the store and into the change rooms take off my jacket pull out the knife and sit there contemplating hyping myself up to the task hoping to stab myself in the neck and be rid of everything once and for all then suddenly things turn into a comedy movie scene for a second. Someone comes into the change room I hear them walk towards my stall and knock on the door i answer them saying occupied in a very awkward tone and then they seemingly leave going to another stall and shutting the door I didnt even really think anything of it even if they were in the next stall it wouldnt change my plans. Then of course in the next few seconds I hear what sounds like kissing and a few seconds after the kissing I hear rustling and then soon after that I hear a clapping noise. huh. so of course I start making jokes saying shit like nah in a change room and this and that then I hear what sounds like them putting on there close so without even thinking about it like fate compelled me I put the knife in my pocket and came out of the stall. Im standing there feet crossed arms crossed on the edge of my stall door smiling like a jackass and he comes up in my face starts trying to press me. as soon as he came up in my face my smile dropped as i said before im an impulsive and aggressive person even tho I try to hold this part of myself back I was starting to slipped rapidly at that point already getting into some pointless fights. when he got up in my face I pushed him back he grabbed on to my shirt push me into the edge of the stall door then we got into a little shoving match he was a fatter and a little taller than me but I was winning I ended up pulling and shoving him into where i was standing took one of my hands off him and punched him in the face twice. but with how face this altercation started I was scared I mean he was bigger than me and even while winning like the coward I am i remembered the knife and ran out of the stall area. I pulled it out then started heading back in. wouldve honestly made for a fun story to tell people leaving out the suicide part if this didn't happen but I brandished the knife towards him and his girl. long story short I get arrested thrown into a cold jail cell for 8 hours get out and completely give up on everything.
Completely stop going to school even though I was right at the finish line start getting into random fights with people on the street chipping my teeth and leaving marks on my face that still havent left. started getting into more and more dangerous situations sneaking out at night even almost getting into fights with homeless people. Im the lowest of the low now stopped ding all of that more or less by now but the urge still hasn't really left me Now I'm behind a year or two in school basically a high school drop out and its all my fault it would be nice if I had someone other than myself too blame and as much as I could blame everything that happened before 2025 and how shitty my life has always been it would still be all my fault. back then dying at 20 by something stupid was a bit farfetched based on who I was but now it doesn't seem too far off. my downfall and everything I knew would happen has come to pass. without even realising it earlier this year i started signing up too the military as well something i always wanted to do when I was younger like I predicted the entire future and fell for it all anyway its almost scary. Now in order too beat my destiny of this slow and awful death at 20 what other choice do I have but too kill myself? as soon as I get into the military or maybe earlier If i have a solid plan. no more half hazard ones with dull kitchen knives or hanging via cord. I need a gun or maybe that sodium nitrate I'm seeing in this forum. I have to stop myself from messing things up further.
I forgot about my prediction of what my life would be like and I did as I said I would automatically I only thought of my downfall and I thought of it as preventable as long as I did all the right things so that's what I tried to do. I didn't do anything that I thought would lead me down the path to my down fall I didn't do drugs, I didn't hand around the wrong people, I didn't even swear, anything that could potentially lead me down a bad path I avoided thinking that it would bring me to my salvation but you cant fight destiny. during this I was depressed which is the usual for me and there were always some bad habits that I just could keep down like being impulsive and aggressive or skipping school no matter how much i tried. I even tried not being aggressive or a bad, angry, and sensitive person to the point of being a pushover letting everyone walk all over me because although sometimes anger did get the better of me I knew that if I stopped trying to control myself It would surely lead to my destruction. the same with skipping school it started slowly but I never managed to really beat that bad habit and it all came to a crescendo in in 2025.
at the start of 2025 my habit of skipping school was starting to get really bad I was the punching bag of basically any friend group I was in and I guess I was just to stupid to leave them or even asking them to stop with the jokes. instead I chose the best decision which was of course to skip more days of school id skip at least 2 periods a day and come in for the second half for everyday I wasn't skipping. Of course this only made me more depressed with everyone seeing how much more of a failure I was becoming but then finally after I skipped two weeks straight of classes i managed to get out of my depression for a bit as I often did, I stopped skipping as much, I came in every almost every day for every period lmao you should've heard the cheering the first day I came back into math class made me feel like a celebrity. then of course one skipped day turned into three and I gave up completely I decided that I should've ended it on a high note when everyone thought I was doing better so they wouldn't have a bad impression of me I guess. so I go to a mall next too my apartment building I told mom I was going to buy a new jacket but I left with the knife I always kept in my old and torn jacket with the intent to go to a stores changing room and kill myself in a changing room in one of the stores in the mall. and it was as if fate itself was driving me to that specific store some I even ran into some people I knew they offered me too hang out with them but I was still dead set on that store nothing could change my mind and it would've all been fine if it just ended as a normal attempt or even an actually suicide but no of course there has to be some stupid ass story to come with it.
I head into the store and into the change rooms take off my jacket pull out the knife and sit there contemplating hyping myself up to the task hoping to stab myself in the neck and be rid of everything once and for all then suddenly things turn into a comedy movie scene for a second. Someone comes into the change room I hear them walk towards my stall and knock on the door i answer them saying occupied in a very awkward tone and then they seemingly leave going to another stall and shutting the door I didnt even really think anything of it even if they were in the next stall it wouldnt change my plans. Then of course in the next few seconds I hear what sounds like kissing and a few seconds after the kissing I hear rustling and then soon after that I hear a clapping noise. huh. so of course I start making jokes saying shit like nah in a change room and this and that then I hear what sounds like them putting on there close so without even thinking about it like fate compelled me I put the knife in my pocket and came out of the stall. Im standing there feet crossed arms crossed on the edge of my stall door smiling like a jackass and he comes up in my face starts trying to press me. as soon as he came up in my face my smile dropped as i said before im an impulsive and aggressive person even tho I try to hold this part of myself back I was starting to slipped rapidly at that point already getting into some pointless fights. when he got up in my face I pushed him back he grabbed on to my shirt push me into the edge of the stall door then we got into a little shoving match he was a fatter and a little taller than me but I was winning I ended up pulling and shoving him into where i was standing took one of my hands off him and punched him in the face twice. but with how face this altercation started I was scared I mean he was bigger than me and even while winning like the coward I am i remembered the knife and ran out of the stall area. I pulled it out then started heading back in. wouldve honestly made for a fun story to tell people leaving out the suicide part if this didn't happen but I brandished the knife towards him and his girl. long story short I get arrested thrown into a cold jail cell for 8 hours get out and completely give up on everything.
Completely stop going to school even though I was right at the finish line start getting into random fights with people on the street chipping my teeth and leaving marks on my face that still havent left. started getting into more and more dangerous situations sneaking out at night even almost getting into fights with homeless people. Im the lowest of the low now stopped ding all of that more or less by now but the urge still hasn't really left me Now I'm behind a year or two in school basically a high school drop out and its all my fault it would be nice if I had someone other than myself too blame and as much as I could blame everything that happened before 2025 and how shitty my life has always been it would still be all my fault. back then dying at 20 by something stupid was a bit farfetched based on who I was but now it doesn't seem too far off. my downfall and everything I knew would happen has come to pass. without even realising it earlier this year i started signing up too the military as well something i always wanted to do when I was younger like I predicted the entire future and fell for it all anyway its almost scary. Now in order too beat my destiny of this slow and awful death at 20 what other choice do I have but too kill myself? as soon as I get into the military or maybe earlier If i have a solid plan. no more half hazard ones with dull kitchen knives or hanging via cord. I need a gun or maybe that sodium nitrate I'm seeing in this forum. I have to stop myself from messing things up further.
