Venting Everything is calmer now

[MrSuicide]

I have always been pretty overdramatic and have faced minor emotions or issues with explosive responses. If I was sad I wanted to die, if I was mad I wanted to hurt or destroy things, if I was happy everything was good on earth and I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. As the days have gone by I have evened out a lot, not a good calm, but a bad sort of calmness. The explosive feelings are almost gone. They come back sometimes, but it's mostly just my really sad moments. Much more rarely. I was already depressed but I can hardly feel anything real anymore.

I've had this more constant feeling of impending doom and fear and sadness for a while. In some ways it's good, it was really tiring to be brought to happiness just to get brought back down again, over and over, or emotions shifting at an instant. In most ways I feel like I'm already dead. The days are passing by faster and faster. And all I think about is dying. I think me and my body realized that our time is almost up. I'm not really upset, but I have really been dreaming about this for years. I guess I thought that the last months of my life would be happier, that knowing I could finally just ship would be better. I didn't expect everything to feel so still. It's hard to explain.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I feel you man. I've become so exhausted lately from just going from an overwhelming sense of dread and eagerness to die to clinging to life and wanted to live forever... to being unbelievably happy then angry then wanting to lay on my bed the whole day. I don't think anything prepares you for how our ending months will feel. I didn't think it would be this complicated and heavy. I wish I could just... Watch some a show or two with my friends, make one more memory or two with my family, then end it. Essentially just make my final moments with the ones around me. But of course it can't be simple. Just knowing its over soon gives me both solace and dread. Like with my dreams of being an artist and a writer, on one hand the weight of self-expectations are lifted because my career is over before it started (and I don't have to compete with even more advanced AI thank fuck lol) but that fact that I achieved nothing stings. I think I'm too sensitive. Do you know if you will ctb soon?