Story Everyone's Gone - last girl standing.

[JoeFailure]

So today I had my second therapy session. It was quite good. We went over a lot of my unresolved guilt with failing to help Katie when she was in pain. I found that quite lethargic. It still hurt like hell but it's the first time I've opened up about those feeling to anyone in real life. She did ask if I had thought or was thinking of taking my own life. I managed to skirt around that subject. I'm sure she saw through my lie, but didn't pull me up on it.

Tonight I am going to a group grief counselling session near the city and I think on my way home if I feel up to it. I might even stop in at a bar have a meal by myself and play the pokies. This is something I haven't done in years so would be nice to have a meal out for a change.

So I'm still ticking along. I do have to hand it to this forum and the people in it. These steps I am taking I would never have been able to do last week. By be able to put my thoughts into words has giving me a more mental clarity that I've possessed for ages.

So thanks all!!

I'm not cured or anything. But I've made some good first steps to learning who I am again. (if that makes sense)

This is great!

I think you're going to be OK. Just get out there and you'll meet some people and get some joy out of life. Your posts in this thread suggest exactly what you did, I think just getting out of the house will do you lots of good.

Very happy for you and anytime I can read about someone's situation improving.

Oh Blankety, just know it's not abnormal at all to eat on your own at a bar. I bartend, I get loners all the time. We chat if they'd like to, I entertain, I make sure they leave feeling full and happy. Perhaps do a tour of the local pubs and make it a game? Which one has the best service? Food? Beer selection?

I've been trying to get a bartending job for nights and weekends but it's hard. Did you have to be a server before that?

 

[blanketyblk]

This is great!

I think you're going to be OK. Just get out there and you'll meet some people and get some joy out of life. Your posts in this thread suggest exactly what you did, I think just getting out of the house will do you lots of good.
Very happy for you and anytime I can read about someone's situation improving.

ooh i will be trying to go out. but need to lose a lot of weight before i get serious.


The good news on that front is so far this week i have been to the gym every night for an hour and also doing 1 hour walks very early in the morning. so I'm getting active again. so soon hopefully my prime mover of a butt will start to shrink :-)
I've been to see my GP. i am now fit go to back to work. Woohoo. I'm not going to pose a risk to anyone. Come Monday it's back to the grind with me.

I asked him about weight loss and he pointed me to d dietician that can help. so will be going there next Thursday night to get that process started as well. I asked him about my lack of sex drive and he think it's because i am on Zoloft anti-depressant tablets, he has suggested switching to citalopram. he said it should I'm prove my sex drive. But it can make it harder to climax so will see if i become a raging sex manic. lol. that will be the day.

Weighted by self today. i have drop 8lbs this week. so woohoo to that as well.

 

[blanketyblk]

so late last night, i couldn't sleep so decided to take a road trip to see if my place where i plan on CBT'ing is still open. there has been a few high profile suicides down there over the last 2 years and wanted to make sure they had not installed any barriers or anything..

I arrived there at about 3am and did a small trek up following the path and well i found my bliss. it's a cliff with a drop down some 270 meters or 880 feet for you Americans :) so it is some 81 story drop straight into water.. i have no doubt that will do the trick.

 

[SinisterKid]

so late last night, i couldn't sleep so decided to take a road trip to see if my place where i plan on CBT'ing is still open. there has been a few high profile suicides down there over the last 2 years and wanted to make sure they had not installed any barriers or anything..

I arrived there at about 3am and did a small trek up following the path and well i found my bliss. it's a cliff with a drop down some 270 meters or 880 feet for you Americans :) so it is some 81 story drop straight into water.. i have no doubt that will do the trick.

You know its there, but you wont be needing it any time soon methinks.

 

[blanketyblk]

You know its there, but you wont be needing it any time soon methinks.

god i hope so.. i did feel quite depressed late last night though. as i said lost 8 pounds this week. which is great but i weight a whopping 280 pounds.. i use to be 110 pounds. that what 3 year of depression has done to me. soo so sad.

but like anything you put weight on. you can lose it.. just a question of time and focus an keeping those nasty thoughts a bay.

 

[Jen0804]

I'm sorry for your losses and all you have been through

 

[Kikoo Loool]

god i hope so.. i did feel quite depressed late last night though. as i said lost 8 pounds this week. which is great but i weight a whopping 280 pounds.. i use to be 110 pounds. that what 3 year of depression has done to me. soo so sad.

but like anything you put weight on. you can lose it.. just a question of time and focus an keeping those nasty thoughts a bay.

It's been the same for my wife. She now reached 110 pounds back. She used to feel very bad about her weight too.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi All,


I'm new here, thought i would do a small thread about my story on why I've ended up here. I'm 43 F who lives in Australia. Everyone in my life I've ever care about is now gone.

My partner of 12 years, CBT 8 years ago last March. i never noticed how much pain she was in. i was just too self-absorbed with my own issues that i failed to notice her issues. i failed her.. She was my joy. Katie. Where ever you are.. I am sorry and I still love you. We never had children, i was infertile and she never wanted children due to her upbringing with a violent alcoholic parents and didn't want to pass any of her trauma onto any else.

After her death, i felt into a deep depression. Quit work and sold our home and move in with my parents to look after them. I need to find a purpose to keep living and they where it.

My two best friends both passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. god they were something special. Just the best friends you could hope for. Never cared about how you looked on the outside..

My dad past away at the start of last year from cancer. He was such a wonderful and caring person, would give anyone the shirt of his back. My fav memory of him was staying up late watching F1 on TV having cabana and cheese. You could always find him with a new book in his hands ready to tell you about the latest novel he has been reading. He had over 2,000 books in the house. And I'm sure he had read almost every one of them. He loved. Truly loved scifi and fantasy books. His favorite author was Robert Jordan. we both started reading the wheel of time novels when I was 16 or 17. Every time a new book would come up we would discuss it endlessly. Such good memories. he was 76.

My mum past away from the flu aged 83, she passed away on my birthday near the end of last year. She was such a joy to know. Always happy. Always trying to make everyone happy. she has so many funny little saying. Things that you know you should remember. But you quickly forget. She loved to SMS people i think last year she sent me over 4000 text message. Even if i was in the other room. She would text.. She travelled the world solo at aged 25. Nearly died in quicksand in NZ. The stories she would tell. God do i miss her.

After her passing i had a complete breakdown. She was the last person alive in my life. Suddenly everyone i ever knew or cared about had gone. I was the last one standing.. and you have no idea how ironic that is.

My childhood was bad. Not because of my parents. Who tried everything? But just because i was different, 'gay' was not something i knew i was until much later. i was always bullied for being 'different' i was not an attractive girl. I was tall 6f and had a wonky eye, very small breasts. I looked masculine and thus wrong to most people, because of that I grew up hard and cold I never let many people in and pretty much had zero friends though school and never thought i would live past 21. i was cutting by the age of 13 and had my first suicide attempt at 14. I had a plan on how to end when i turned 21, but then i met Katie and somehow I managed to keep going.

We built a great life together, we both managed to get good jobs and start making something of our self. Did all the usually couple's thing, mortgage, holidays, cars and hobbies. But now all of that is gone. Just memories and even those are fading.

I was put onto anti-depressants about 3 years ago and they only ever made me feel numb but fuck did they make me put on weight. i was always skinny. (see profile pic of me before anti-depressants.. note this is the only photo of me that exists and when i am gone. it will be the only thing that remains online. just so i know i did exist) i put on like 70kgs in 3 years. now I'm just eek. i know i could lose the weight but truly I'm done.

I've had a good life. Lived longer that i thought i would. i had a soul mate and spent the best time with my parents in their twilight years. While i would of liked to of had children. i do not have any regrets.

At the moment i have a good paying job which is all the social interaction i have in my life now. But at work I'm still the 'odd' girl out. Just cause of my height, now weight and since I don't have any children. i just don't know how to fit in with people.

So my goal is to keep ticking along until after my birthday near the end of year. i have a bucket list of things i want to do before i check out. so i need to keep my job until then. so i will be a good little girl and play it smart at work.

I know there is many things I could do to make my life better. But I'm just tried. I've battle hard to get to where I am and I just don't have the strength for one more round.. I want off this world. I want to rest.
Thanks for reading..

I understand how you feel Nat, if we feel empty of hope, then each day is lonely pain. It was wonderful of you to take care of your parents. I'm glad I heard your story of growing up and feeling out of place. When I was in high school, I was not that interested in fitting in, I didn't hang with the popular groups, but people were not so vindictive in those days, I was very independent. But, it didn't hurt. After that generation, it became so important for teens to feel accepted by their peers. I don't really know why youth is so judgmental. I don't recall anyone being vindictive to other students. So, I have a sense about how hard it must be to find one's identity when it is a question for oneself, and others. I wonder if there are any support groups for the LGTB community. Perhaps some friends to meet. Just be yourself, your a sweet and kind person, it doesn't matter if you're tall or overweight. Many people are. May I hope for some sunshine in your day tomorrow. xoxoxo Cleo

 

[blanketyblk]

It's been the same for my wife. She now reached 110 pounds back. She used to feel very bad about her weight too.

that's fantastic news about your wife!. i know i can do it. just gotta get my little mind into gear and do it.

I understand how you feel Nat, if we feel empty of hope, then each day is lonely pain. It was wonderful of you to take care of your parents. I'm glad I heard your story of growing up and feeling out of place. When I was in high school, I was not that interested in fitting in, I didn't hang with the popular groups, but people were not so vindictive in those days, I was very independent. But, it didn't hurt. After that generation, it became so important for teens to feel accepted by their peers. I don't really know why youth is so judgmental. I don't recall anyone being vindictive to other students. So, I have a sense about how hard it must be to find one's identity when it is a question for oneself, and others. I wonder if there are any support groups for the LGTB community. Perhaps some friends to meet. Just be yourself, your a sweet and kind person, it doesn't matter if you're tall or overweight. Many people are. May I hope for some sunshine in your day tomorrow. xoxoxo Cleo

I would hate to be a 'odd' kid growing up this day and age. with social media. your can't just go home and escape from the bullies. it now follows you around 24/7. that's just soo depressing.

I live in a very small town, there is only 2 LGTB clubs that i know off and they are mainly for under 25 :-( which i am sadly soo soo soo far beyond. lol


but i did have a good day. i brought my self some new toys. these are second hand and in my lounge room to get me motivated to do some exercise. lol please excuse the mess of my lounge room too...

 

[blanketyblk]

So went to another survives meeting after work tonight It was better this time. i think cause i had already broken the ice last week. Had a chat with a few people, managed to speak and talk a lot of what Katie did and how and where i found her. That was pretty tough. i don't speak about that much.

Kind of connected with a woman there who is a bit older than me who lost her partner 4 years ago to suicide. So we went out for drinks. Pretty big step for me, all in all i feel a lot better at the end of the day.

Ooh and I'm finally back at work after 2 and a bit weeks off. Doing OK. My GP has changed my meds hoping to be a little bit more stable now.

Fingers crossed.

 

[Cleopatra123]

So went to another survives meeting after work tonight It was better this time. i think cause i had already broken the ice last week. Had a chat with a few people, managed to speak and talk a lot of what Katie did and how and where i found her. That was pretty tough. i don't speak about that much.

Kind of connected with a woman there who is a bit older than me who lost her partner 4 years ago to suicide. So we went out for drinks. Pretty big step for me, all in all i feel a lot better at the end of the day.

Ooh and I'm finally back at work after 2 and a bit weeks off. Doing OK. My GP has changed my meds hoping to be a little bit more stable now.

Fingers crossed.

Very glad to hear this Nat, I like you studio, looks nice. So glad you had a good day; sometimes we think we can't stand another day; and suddenly a good one comes along with promise of something; an evening of drinks with a friend is a blessing, and good for you for going back to work. Please keep me updated. xoxoxo Cleo

 

[blanketyblk]

Well few things have happened over the last few days. I still haven't been constantly going to work. But they are ok with it so far. I had a meeting with my manager today and they might be moving me into the head office. Which could be a good thing, I have another meeting tomorrow.

I've also been forcing myself to go out to pubs most nights this week and eat dinner out. And i ended up getting chatted up by a women at the bar last night and we are going out for dinner tonight. I not ready to date yet. And she knows that. So will see what happens.

these advances have happened because of this site and the people with in it. Many of you have been speaking to me via PM's have been so nice and helpful and have built up my confidence in myself quite a bit. So yeah!!! You all rock.

 

[blanketyblk]

So dinner was ok. I was very wooden at the start until the ice was broken and then we had some really wonderful conversation. was amazing. spoke for about 4 hours. when back to her place had a few drinks and well some hi-jinks .

I was sure i was going to come off crazy with her, but told her about Katie and my parents. and she listen and didn't judged but just gave me a really big hug.

I'm off work again today and she is going to come over to my place this morning and have brekkie with me. so thats going to be nice. actually having another human being in my house.

 

[blanketyblk]

9 years and 1 hour ago. is when i found my partners body. god tonight is going to suck. think i'm going to get wasted.

 

[who doesn't matter]

So dinner was ok. I was very wooden at the start until the ice was broken and then we had some really wonderful conversation. was amazing. spoke for about 4 hours. when back to her place had a few drinks and well some hi-jinks .

I was sure i was going to come off crazy with her, but told her about Katie and my parents. and she listen and didn't judged but just gave me a really big hug.

I'm off work again today and she is going to come over to my place this morning and have brekkie with me. so thats going to be nice. actually having another human being in my house.

Good to hear that you are recuperating well. You are one sturdy fellow. So, good luck on the path ahead. Head forth Spartan!

 

[Kikoo Loool]

9 year and 1 hour ago. is when i found my partners body. god tonight is going to suck. think i'm going to get wasted.

We're here for you

 

[blanketyblk]

Good to hear that you are recuperating well. You are one sturdy fellow. So, good luck on the path ahead. Head forth Spartan!

Thanks, but the girl i met, ended up just using me to get even with her girlfriend. so yeah felt pretty shitty after that. people suck! :-)

We're here for you

Thanks, going to be a easy night tonight, i think. i got a bottle of Glengoyne single malt scotch which I've had for ages so. cracked it open and going to have a few drinks tonight. i usually don't drink but tonight i really really need it.

but on other topic. i don't think i'm going to make it out of this depression, i do think eventually it will own me. :-(

 

[who doesn't matter]

Thanks, but the girl i met, ended up just using me to get even with her girlfriend. so yeah felt pretty shitty after that. people suck! :-)

Thanks, going to be a easy night tonight, i think. i got a bottle of Glengoyne single malt scotch which I've had for ages so. cracked it open and going to have a few drinks tonight. i usually don't drink but tonight i really really need it.

but on other topic. i don't think i'm going to make it out of this depression, i do think eventually it will own me. :-(

Give yourself some credit of making it this far on your own. In my opinion, you are much more than you actually anticipate.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I love the wheel of Time. I've read every book in it at least twice, and some of them around 6 times!

 

[blanketyblk]

Give yourself some credit of making it this far on your own. In my opinion, you are much more than you actually anticipate.

Thanks for your kind words truly. just one of those days today. shitty day at work compounted by this this day in my life. just yeah not good.

I love the wheel of Time. I've read every book in it at least twice, and some of them around 6 times!

it's a fantastic series. i wanna re-read it again some time. but 14 books is a huge ask. especially since the last time i read it over the course of 20 years.

Edit : went trawling though boxes to try and find her suicide note, managed to find it. the note was very short and not much detail in it. but it's covered in little hearts and kisses.. it also has quite a few tear stains, but sure if they are hers or mine. either way. will keep this note until the day i died. but it's even a bit sadder than that. i still her half used pack of cigarettes. god those most be stale by now. but will never throw them out.

i think it still smells like her. my memory of her smell is fading. also got down her fav stuffed animal and going to have a hugging match with it in bed today...

 

[blanketyblk]

Just a quick post, to let everyone know. I'm still around and kicking. was pretty much hit and miss at the end of last year. was at the point of ending it. was right literately at the cliff edge when i took a step back.

Life is still not great.. my job could be in jeopardy and I've stopped going to the gym. but I'm doing more and more music.

To all those who i have missed i am so sorry i vanished. i needed to try and reconnect to myself again.. i am doing better. i think i might end up making it. but i can see it now that life with always be a struggle. not just physical but mentally too. i have to many demons running around in my mind and i just have to learn to control them and not be controlled by them.

 

[JSauter]

Just a quick post, to let everyone know. I'm still around and kicking. was pretty much hit and miss at the end of last year. was at the point of ending it. was right literately at the cliff edge when i took a step back.

Life is still not great.. my job could be in jeopardy and I've stopped going to the gym. but I'm doing more and more music.

To all those who i have missed i am so sorry i vanished. i needed to try and reconnect to myself again.. i am doing better. i think i might end up making it. but i can see it now that life with always be a struggle. not just physical but mentally too. i have to many demons running around in my mind and i just have to learn to control them and not be controlled by them.

I'm happy to hear from you and wish you weren't in so much pain.

 

[Grandexit]

You seem really amazing. It feels like to me , all of these wonderful people in your life that have gone, you're their link to this earth. You are the one to tell their great stories and they're living through you. You've had the kindness, love and respect many of us have ever dreamed of. I envy you all of that.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Hi All,


I'm new here, thought i would do a small thread about my story on why I've ended up here. I'm 43 F who lives in Australia. Everyone in my life I've ever care about is now gone.

My partner of 12 years, CBT 8 years ago last March. i never noticed how much pain she was in. i was just too self-absorbed with my own issues that i failed to notice her issues. i failed her.. She was my joy. Katie. Where ever you are.. I am sorry and I still love you. We never had children, i was infertile and she never wanted children due to her upbringing with a violent alcoholic parents and didn't want to pass any of her trauma onto any else.

After her death, i felt into a deep depression. Quit work and sold our home and move in with my parents to look after them. I need to find a purpose to keep living and they where it.

My two best friends both passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. god they were something special. Just the best friends you could hope for. Never cared about how you looked on the outside..

My dad past away at the start of last year from cancer. He was such a wonderful and caring person, would give anyone the shirt of his back. My fav memory of him was staying up late watching F1 on TV having cabana and cheese. You could always find him with a new book in his hands ready to tell you about the latest novel he has been reading. He had over 2,000 books in the house. And I'm sure he had read almost every one of them. He loved. Truly loved scifi and fantasy books. His favorite author was Robert Jordan. we both started reading the wheel of time novels when I was 16 or 17. Every time a new book would come up we would discuss it endlessly. Such good memories. he was 76.

My mum past away from the flu aged 83, she passed away on my birthday near the end of last year. She was such a joy to know. Always happy. Always trying to make everyone happy. she has so many funny little saying. Things that you know you should remember. But you quickly forget. She loved to SMS people i think last year she sent me over 4000 text message. Even if i was in the other room. She would text.. She travelled the world solo at aged 25. Nearly died in quicksand in NZ. The stories she would tell. God do i miss her.

After her passing i had a complete breakdown. She was the last person alive in my life. Suddenly everyone i ever knew or cared about had gone. I was the last one standing.. and you have no idea how ironic that is.

My childhood was bad. Not because of my parents. Who tried everything? But just because i was different, 'gay' was not something i knew i was until much later. i was always bullied for being 'different' i was not an attractive girl. I was tall 6f and had a wonky eye, very small breasts. I looked masculine and thus wrong to most people, because of that I grew up hard and cold I never let many people in and pretty much had zero friends though school and never thought i would live past 21. i was cutting by the age of 13 and had my first suicide attempt at 14. I had a plan on how to end when i turned 21, but then i met Katie and somehow I managed to keep going.

We built a great life together, we both managed to get good jobs and start making something of our self. Did all the usually couple's thing, mortgage, holidays, cars and hobbies. But now all of that is gone. Just memories and even those are fading.

I was put onto anti-depressants about 3 years ago and they only ever made me feel numb but fuck did they make me put on weight. i was always skinny. (see profile pic of me before anti-depressants.. note this is the only photo of me that exists and when i am gone. it will be the only thing that remains online. just so i know i did exist) i put on like 70kgs in 3 years. now I'm just eek. i know i could lose the weight but truly I'm done.

I've had a good life. Lived longer that i thought i would. i had a soul mate and spent the best time with my parents in their twilight years. While i would of liked to of had children. i do not have any regrets.

At the moment i have a good paying job which is all the social interaction i have in my life now. But at work I'm still the 'odd' girl out. Just cause of my height, now weight and since I don't have any children. i just don't know how to fit in with people.

So my goal is to keep ticking along until after my birthday near the end of year. i have a bucket list of things i want to do before i check out. so i need to keep my job until then. so i will be a good little girl and play it smart at work.

I know there is many things I could do to make my life better. But I'm just tried. I've battle hard to get to where I am and I just don't have the strength for one more round.. I want off this world. I want to rest.
Thanks for reading..

It sounds like you're a person who is all too familiar with loss &pain; it's a wonder how you've stayed strong throughout these trials. I appreciate your exhaustion &I just wanted to say to you, that your inner strength is something to be desired.

I am wholeheartedly sorry about the many losses you've had to endure.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

I'm happy to see you back

 

[Cleopatra123]

Just a quick post, to let everyone know. I'm still around and kicking. was pretty much hit and miss at the end of last year. was at the point of ending it. was right literately at the cliff edge when i took a step back.

Life is still not great.. my job could be in jeopardy and I've stopped going to the gym. but I'm doing more and more music.

To all those who i have missed i am so sorry i vanished. i needed to try and reconnect to myself again.. i am doing better. i think i might end up making it. but i can see it now that life with always be a struggle. not just physical but mentally too. i have to many demons running around in my mind and i just have to learn to control them and not be controlled by them.

Hello, so nice to hear from you. Last we spoke things were a bit better, but I see, you are on the same roller coaster between heaven and hell that so many know about. But, I'm glad to hear at THIS time again, you are feeling more calm and in control. Music is an absolutely wonderful way to make life meaningful, to me, anything creative is mind uplifting. Peace, Cleopatra

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I saw your post in the users mega thread earlier where you said you were returning to the forum, and linked this thread with your story, so I wanted to respond to you.

First of all, I'm so sorry you have had to endure so much loss, especially the death of your beloved partner after being together so many years. I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that is, then losing your parents as well back to back, there are few things as difficult as experiencing such prolonged grief. It's one of the worst aspects of getting older, knowing that we will have to experience the loss of those we grew up around and have loved for so many years.

What you've been through speaks a lot to me as well, right down to us being members here for a similar period of time and hanging in there all this while, though I am about half your age. Pretty much all of my relatives have passed now except my grandmother, and I know she won't be around much longer. My father died when I was young and my mother has never been in my life, so my grandparents were like my own parents.

I had to watch my grandfather die slowly as a teenager, and it was awful. Back to back, all my great aunts and uncles died, then my aunt, and the relatives I didn't have much of a relationship with too, leaving only me and grandma. Last year my grandmother had a bad accident accident and I was crying every day wondering when the day is going to come when I lose her too. Being bombarded with so much grief has broken my soul down. So I understand a lot of the awful internal aching and loneliness you've shared in your post, on a deep level.

While it isn't remotely the same, I also had a friend who ctb when we were both 18. She was a good friend to me and I had a crush on her for awhile, I never got to tell her how I felt though. 7 years later I always wonder what could have happened if I had noticed the signs that she would attempt. Though it's not anyone's fault when this happens, if someone is hurting so much to the point where they seriously consider suicide, there is seldom an indication on the outside that they've reached that point, even if we are close with them.

How are you faring now? Are you still doing music and the grief support group? Feel free to DM me if you want someone to talk to, I understand a lot of what you're going through.

 

[a_tired_autist]

... and thank you for the story it's was heart breaking to hear. much love to you.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry about you have lost everyone close to you~ :( It sucks to be lonely all the time and have no one who cares about you~ :( I may feel like that a lot, but it's nothing compared to you~ >_< I wish you found someone who truly understands and cares for you again~ :) it's really tough! :( I wish you the best and will pray for you!