Story Everyone's Gone - last girl standing.

[blanketyblk]

Hi All,


I'm new here, thought i would do a small thread about my story on why I've ended up here. I'm 43 F who lives in Australia. Everyone in my life I've ever care about is now gone.

My partner of 12 years, CBT 8 years ago last March. i never noticed how much pain she was in. i was just too self-absorbed with my own issues that i failed to notice her issues. i failed her.. She was my joy. Katie. Where ever you are.. I am sorry and I still love you. We never had children, i was infertile and she never wanted children due to her upbringing with a violent alcoholic parents and didn't want to pass any of her trauma onto any else.

After her death, i felt into a deep depression. Quit work and sold our home and move in with my parents to look after them. I need to find a purpose to keep living and they where it.

My two best friends both passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. god they were something special. Just the best friends you could hope for. Never cared about how you looked on the outside..

My dad past away at the start of last year from cancer. He was such a wonderful and caring person, would give anyone the shirt of his back. My fav memory of him was staying up late watching F1 on TV having cabana and cheese. You could always find him with a new book in his hands ready to tell you about the latest novel he has been reading. He had over 2,000 books in the house. And I'm sure he had read almost every one of them. He loved. Truly loved scifi and fantasy books. His favorite author was Robert Jordan. we both started reading the wheel of time novels when I was 16 or 17. Every time a new book would come up we would discuss it endlessly. Such good memories. he was 76.

My mum past away from the flu aged 83, she passed away on my birthday near the end of last year. She was such a joy to know. Always happy. Always trying to make everyone happy. she has so many funny little saying. Things that you know you should remember. But you quickly forget. She loved to SMS people i think last year she sent me over 4000 text message. Even if i was in the other room. She would text.. She travelled the world solo at aged 25. Nearly died in quicksand in NZ. The stories she would tell. God do i miss her.

After her passing i had a complete breakdown. She was the last person alive in my life. Suddenly everyone i ever knew or cared about had gone. I was the last one standing.. and you have no idea how ironic that is.

My childhood was bad. Not because of my parents. Who tried everything? But just because i was different, 'gay' was not something i knew i was until much later. i was always bullied for being 'different' i was not an attractive girl. I was tall 6f and had a wonky eye, very small breasts. I looked masculine and thus wrong to most people, because of that I grew up hard and cold I never let many people in and pretty much had zero friends though school and never thought i would live past 21. i was cutting by the age of 13 and had my first suicide attempt at 14. I had a plan on how to end when i turned 21, but then i met Katie and somehow I managed to keep going.

We built a great life together, we both managed to get good jobs and start making something of our self. Did all the usually couple's thing, mortgage, holidays, cars and hobbies. But now all of that is gone. Just memories and even those are fading.

I was put onto anti-depressants about 3 years ago and they only ever made me feel numb but fuck did they make me put on weight. i was always skinny. (see profile pic of me before anti-depressants.. note this is the only photo of me that exists and when i am gone. it will be the only thing that remains online. just so i know i did exist) i put on like 70kgs in 3 years. now I'm just eek. i know i could lose the weight but truly I'm done.

I've had a good life. Lived longer that i thought i would. i had a soul mate and spent the best time with my parents in their twilight years. While i would of liked to of had children. i do not have any regrets.

At the moment i have a good paying job which is all the social interaction i have in my life now. But at work I'm still the 'odd' girl out. Just cause of my height, now weight and since I don't have any children. i just don't know how to fit in with people.

So my goal is to keep ticking along until after my birthday near the end of year. i have a bucket list of things i want to do before i check out. so i need to keep my job until then. so i will be a good little girl and play it smart at work.

I know there is many things I could do to make my life better. But I'm just tried. I've battle hard to get to where I am and I just don't have the strength for one more round.. I want off this world. I want to rest.
Thanks for reading..

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Hi All,


I'm new here, thought i would do a small thread about my story on why I've ended up here. I'm 43 F who lives in Australia. Everyone in my life I've ever care about is now gone.

My partner of 12 years, CBT 8 years ago last March. i never noticed how much pain she was in. i was just too self-absorbed with my own issues that i failed to notice her issues. i failed her.. She was my joy. Katie. Where ever you are.. I am sorry and I still love you. We never had children, i was infertile and she never wanted children due to her upbringing with a violent alcoholic parents and didn't want to pass any of her trauma onto any else.

After her death, i felt into a deep depression. Quit work and sold our home and move in with my parents to look after them. I need to find a purpose to keep living and they where it.

My two best friends both passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. god they were something special. Just the best friends you could hope for. Never cared about how you looked on the outside..

My dad past away at the start of last year from cancer. He was such a wonderful and caring person, would give anyone the shirt of his back. My fav memory of him was staying up late watching F1 on TV having cabana and cheese. You could always find him with a new book in his hands ready to tell you about the latest novel he has been reading. He had over 2,000 books in the house. And I'm sure he had read almost every one of them. He loved. Truly loved scifi and fantasy books. His favorite author was Robert Jordan. we both started reading the wheel of time novels when I was 16 or 17. Every time a new book would come up we would discuss it endlessly. Such good memories. he was 76.

My mum past away from the flu aged 83, she passed away on my birthday near the end of last year. She was such a joy to know. Always happy. Always trying to make everyone happy. she has so many funny little saying. Things that you know you should remember. But you quickly forget. She loved to SMS people i think last year she sent me over 4000 text message. Even if i was in the other room. She would text.. She travelled the world solo at aged 25. Nearly died in quicksand in NZ. The stories she would tell. God do i miss her.

After her passing i had a complete breakdown. She was the last person alive in my life. Suddenly everyone i ever knew or cared about had gone. I was the last one standing.. and you have no idea how ironic that is.

My childhood was bad. Not because of my parents. Who tried everything? But just because i was different, 'gay' was not something i knew i was until much later. i was always bullied for being 'different' i was not an attractive girl. I was tall 6f and had a wonky eye, very small breasts. I looked masculine and thus wrong to most people, because of that I grew up hard and cold I never let many people in and pretty much had zero friends though school and never thought i would live past 21. i was cutting by the age of 13 and had my first suicide attempt at 14. I had a plan on how to end when i turned 21, but then i met Katie and somehow I managed to keep going.

We built a great life together, we both managed to get good jobs and start making something of our self. Did all the usually couple's thing, mortgage, holidays, cars and hobbies. But now all of that is gone. Just memories and even those are fading.

I was put onto anti-depressants about 3 years ago and they only ever made me feel numb but fuck did they make me put on weight. i was always skinny. (see profile pic of me before anti-depressants.. note this is the only photo of me that exists and when i am gone. it will be the only thing that remains online. just so i know i did exist) i put on like 70kgs in 3 years. now I'm just eek. i know i could lose the weight but truly I'm done.

I've had a good life. Lived longer that i thought i would. i had a soul mate and spent the best time with my parents in their twilight years. While i would of liked to of had children. i do not have any regrets.

At the moment i have a good paying job which is all the social interaction i have in my life now. But at work I'm still the 'odd' girl out. Just cause of my height, now weight and since I don't have any children. i just don't know how to fit in with people.

So my goal is to keep ticking along until after my birthday near the end of year. i have a bucket list of things i want to do before i check out. so i need to keep my job until then. so i will be a good little girl and play it smart at work.

I know there is many things I could do to make my life better. But I'm just tried. I've battle hard to get to where I am and I just don't have the strength for one more round.. I want off this world. I want to rest.
Thanks for reading..

Sending you so much love... what a truly heartbreaking recent history of loss you've experienced. We are here for you as supporters, listeners, and friends.

I felt alone in the world until coming to this site, now I don't feel quite so alone. I hope you feel the same warmth.

 

[blanketyblk]

Sending you so much love... what a truly heartbreaking recent history of loss you've experienced. We are here for you as supporters, listeners, and friends.

I felt alone in the world until coming to this site, now I don't feel quite so alone. I hope you feel the same warmth.

Thanks muchly. i can so agree with you have you can feel so alone in the world.. in Australia it was a long weekend this past 3 days and for the first time i can remember i didn't speak to a single person. not a single person. so sad. but as i said I've had my life and i have enjoy it.. but the emptiness has to stop.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Thanks muchly. i can so agree with you have you can feel so alone in the world.. in Australia it was a long weekend this past 3 days and for the first time i can remember i didn't speak to a single person. not a single person. so sad. but as i said I've had my life and i have enjoy it.. but the emptiness has to stop.

Hugs... I hear you... sometimes the silence is nice, but it's grown to deafening levels. Holidays and weekends where family and friends gather together are usually a solo time for me when I don't have my children. My dog keeps me company, but... it feels hollow. I feel hollow. So I totally understand that emptiness feeling. Even though I'm all the way on the other side of the world, I'm here for you. I'm LGBTQ too, which adds another layer of hurt and emptiness.

I don't know if I'm starting to consider myself my own best friend, or if I'm just cutting all ties so that it's not so detrimental when I CTB.

Let's put a shrimp on the barbie and have a cold one, how bout that, mate?

 

[Kaput]

Your family and friends seem amazing. You must be wonderful yourself, having had such people around you.
As you said, the emptiness has to stop. That sounds very wise. Perhaps there can be some opportunity for you to meet like- minded people?
Not trying to preach, just seems like the heart of the matter :( sending hugs

 

[Shamana]

I enjoyed reading your story. Needless to say it makes me sad that you want to go.

 

[SinisterKid]

I can certainly empathise with the meds and weight issues!!

All I can say is, one day at a time. Things may get better or may get worse. Its the only way I can survive. I lost my own life to a virus. Now due to a host of factors, I am a surviving suicidal maniac hellbent on self destruction. I still cant decide if catching that bus [which is late by the way] is selfish or not.

But I accept the constant ideations, look for constant distractions [gaming and reading and films help] and when it gets really bad, I think of my little one and how sad she would be at losing her only grandad. That usually gets me through the day and right now, thats all I can hope for. Making through today at least means I have a chance to see the little one again. My point being, just making through today means you at least have a chance at seeing if anything ever gets any better.

Sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes not.

 

[blanketyblk]

Thanks again all for your comments and kindness. I will reply in more detail tonight. but at the moment. this little chickky has to get to work. i haven't been into work for some 2 weeks now due to major hit with depression.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

I'm sorry to hear that. You won't be alone here.

 

[Empty Smile]

Many hugs coming your way. This has been quite a journey you have taken. I hope the bumpy roads become smooth for you.

 

[LongTimeComing]

You're an amazing woman! I hope you're able to find comfort and peace in this community!

 

[blanketyblk]

At work today, i got to see a Councillor, my work offers 4 visits to an internal therapist every 6 months. So I took one today and managed to tell her about well everything. Except for my SI thoughts, she thinks i might have survivor's guilt.

Said it is not uncommon for someone who has lost everyone around them to feel somehow they are guilty of surviving. I'll admit I've never thought about it in those terms.. I'm not sure it's true, but still something to ponder. she has recommend that i go back to group therapy for people who have lost loved one to suicide and also start going to a grief support group. I'm going to think it over and see. At least it was something positive.

She did however try and tell me i am still young and i would not have a problem finding another partner. This is something I'm just not sure about doing. My memories of Katie are precious to me and i feel that i would be destroying her memory if i started to date someone else, so not sure on that point.

The only down side of today is work has pulled my plug so to speak. i need to get a doctors certificate to state that i am fit for work and that i'm not going to go crazy at any customers lol!!. i can understand it from their point, work place safety and all. But means again talking about all of this to my GP.

I also went to the gym tonight, first time in 2 weeks. Didn't speak to anyone there, just did my routine and left. feel a bit better are doing that.

i guess I'm still not sure i want to go on. as i said just so much hurt, emptiness and i just lack something that allows me to connect with people. It's not empathy I have empathy in spades. I just lack that ability to speak to someone where I'm not feeling like they are judging me. And since I think everyone is judging me. I go on the defensive and become cold and hard.

I do plan to stick around on this forum for a while. i don't post anywhere else online. i don't do FB or anything social media. not pretty enough for that crap. but on here everyone seems very nice and supporting.

On another topic, I've also lost my sex drive. A few years after Katie died. I did use do one night stands with some girls from local bars. This allowed me a bit of stress release but now I have zero sex drive. Think it migtht be because I've packed on a lot of weight. I might ask my GP about it when I see him. the only reason i brought this up. the Councillor today ask how long has it been since I've had sex. And i was stumped i have no idea gotta be at least 3 or 4 years.

Again to everyone thank you so much for your kind words, support and wisdom!. i will take everything on board. i know that doing CBT is a way one trip and i better be bloody sure before i do it.

so this might be like a running diary of the shit i call my life.. i hope that is alright with everyone.. in away it's nice to have a record that i did exist.

Cheers
BlanketyB

 

[LifeIsNotFun]

Giving you big hugs, and I'm sorry for everything you have been through.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

I'll be happy to read again from you. It's good to take time to think about all that. Hugs and kiss

 

[SinisterKid]

Group therapy really helped me after I so nearly caught that bus. Just connecting with people who were experiencing something similar to what I was going through meant I was not so alone. I really hope that works out as well for you and I hope we can read about some positive outcomes of that if you decide to do it. Its kind of strange reading your last post as I was told I was in mourning for my former life, which never occurred to me either.

Good luck moving forward and hopefully we get to read about progress.

 

[Alec]

Hi All,


I'm new here, thought i would do a small thread about my story on why I've ended up here. I'm 43 F who lives in Australia. Everyone in my life I've ever care about is now gone.

My partner of 12 years, CBT 8 years ago last March. i never noticed how much pain she was in. i was just too self-absorbed with my own issues that i failed to notice her issues. i failed her.. She was my joy. Katie. Where ever you are.. I am sorry and I still love you. We never had children, i was infertile and she never wanted children due to her upbringing with a violent alcoholic parents and didn't want to pass any of her trauma onto any else.

After her death, i felt into a deep depression. Quit work and sold our home and move in with my parents to look after them. I need to find a purpose to keep living and they where it.

My two best friends both passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. god they were something special. Just the best friends you could hope for. Never cared about how you looked on the outside..

My dad past away at the start of last year from cancer. He was such a wonderful and caring person, would give anyone the shirt of his back. My fav memory of him was staying up late watching F1 on TV having cabana and cheese. You could always find him with a new book in his hands ready to tell you about the latest novel he has been reading. He had over 2,000 books in the house. And I'm sure he had read almost every one of them. He loved. Truly loved scifi and fantasy books. His favorite author was Robert Jordan. we both started reading the wheel of time novels when I was 16 or 17. Every time a new book would come up we would discuss it endlessly. Such good memories. he was 76.

My mum past away from the flu aged 83, she passed away on my birthday near the end of last year. She was such a joy to know. Always happy. Always trying to make everyone happy. she has so many funny little saying. Things that you know you should remember. But you quickly forget. She loved to SMS people i think last year she sent me over 4000 text message. Even if i was in the other room. She would text.. She travelled the world solo at aged 25. Nearly died in quicksand in NZ. The stories she would tell. God do i miss her.

After her passing i had a complete breakdown. She was the last person alive in my life. Suddenly everyone i ever knew or cared about had gone. I was the last one standing.. and you have no idea how ironic that is.

My childhood was bad. Not because of my parents. Who tried everything? But just because i was different, 'gay' was not something i knew i was until much later. i was always bullied for being 'different' i was not an attractive girl. I was tall 6f and had a wonky eye, very small breasts. I looked masculine and thus wrong to most people, because of that I grew up hard and cold I never let many people in and pretty much had zero friends though school and never thought i would live past 21. i was cutting by the age of 13 and had my first suicide attempt at 14. I had a plan on how to end when i turned 21, but then i met Katie and somehow I managed to keep going.

We built a great life together, we both managed to get good jobs and start making something of our self. Did all the usually couple's thing, mortgage, holidays, cars and hobbies. But now all of that is gone. Just memories and even those are fading.

I was put onto anti-depressants about 3 years ago and they only ever made me feel numb but fuck did they make me put on weight. i was always skinny. (see profile pic of me before anti-depressants.. note this is the only photo of me that exists and when i am gone. it will be the only thing that remains online. just so i know i did exist) i put on like 70kgs in 3 years. now I'm just eek. i know i could lose the weight but truly I'm done.

I've had a good life. Lived longer that i thought i would. i had a soul mate and spent the best time with my parents in their twilight years. While i would of liked to of had children. i do not have any regrets.

At the moment i have a good paying job which is all the social interaction i have in my life now. But at work I'm still the 'odd' girl out. Just cause of my height, now weight and since I don't have any children. i just don't know how to fit in with people.

So my goal is to keep ticking along until after my birthday near the end of year. i have a bucket list of things i want to do before i check out. so i need to keep my job until then. so i will be a good little girl and play it smart at work.

I know there is many things I could do to make my life better. But I'm just tried. I've battle hard to get to where I am and I just don't have the strength for one more round.. I want off this world. I want to rest.
Thanks for reading..

Thank you for sharing your story! I feel you when you say you are tired, I get it. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better about loosing so many people that you love, but really there is no way to make this better. I just hope you get to do what you are still staying here for and I hope when you leave this world you'll finally rest and find what you need the most. I too, give this one more year.

 

[blanketyblk]

So today I had my second therapy session. It was quite good. We went over a lot of my unresolved guilt with failing to help Katie when she was in pain. I found that quite lethargic. It still hurt like hell but it's the first time I've opened up about those feeling to anyone in real life. She did ask if I had thought or was thinking of taking my own life. I managed to skirt around that subject. I'm sure she saw through my lie, but didn't pull me up on it.

Tonight I am going to a group grief counselling session near the city and I think on my way home if I feel up to it. I might even stop in at a bar have a meal by myself and play the pokies. This is something I haven't done in years so would be nice to have a meal out for a change.

So I'm still ticking along. I do have to hand it to this forum and the people in it. These steps I am taking I would never have been able to do last week. By be able to put my thoughts into words has giving me a more mental clarity that I've possessed for ages.

So thanks all!!

I'm not cured or anything. But I've made some good first steps to learning who I am again. (if that makes sense)

 

[LongTimeComing]

So today I had my second therapy session. It was quite good. We went over a lot of my unresolved guilt with failing to help Katie when she was in pain. I found that quite lethargic. It still hurt like hell but it's the first time I've opened up about those feeling to anyone in real life. She did ask if I had thought or was thinking of taking my own life. I managed to skirt around that subject. I'm sure she saw through my lie, but didn't pull me up on it.

Tonight I am going to a group grief counselling session near the city and I think on my way home if I feel up to it. I might even stop in at a bar have a meal by myself and play the pokies. This is something I haven't done in years so would be nice to have a meal out for a change.

So I'm still ticking along. I do have to hand it to this forum and the people in it. These steps I am taking I would never have been able to do last week. By be able to put my thoughts into words has giving me a more mental clarity that I've possessed for ages.

So thanks all!!

I'm not cured or anything. But I've made some good first steps to learning who I am again. (if that makes sense)

I'm so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and accepting help! I hope things continue to improve for you

 

[blanketyblk]

I'm so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and accepting help! I hope things continue to improve for you

Hugs, thanks friend.

it is a huge step out of my confront zone. i think the last time i had dinner out was 7 years ago. so yeah. if i win on the pokes. I'll shout you all a virtual beer :-)

 

[SinisterKid]

I sincerely hope the group session goes well and you manage to have a enjoyable evening.

 

[Chalken]

Hey, thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad that you're trying to get help. Might as well try everything before making the last decision, right? On another note, I recently started reading Wheel of Time, as well. I'm also a huge sci-fi and fantasy fan. I wish I could've met your father. Do you still read or has the depression taken away that pleasure too?

 

[Halo13]

So today I had my second therapy session. It was quite good. We went over a lot of my unresolved guilt with failing to help Katie when she was in pain. I found that quite lethargic. It still hurt like hell but it's the first time I've opened up about those feeling to anyone in real life. She did ask if I had thought or was thinking of taking my own life. I managed to skirt around that subject. I'm sure she saw through my lie, but didn't pull me up on it.

Tonight I am going to a group grief counselling session near the city and I think on my way home if I feel up to it. I might even stop in at a bar have a meal by myself and play the pokies. This is something I haven't done in years so would be nice to have a meal out for a change.

So I'm still ticking along. I do have to hand it to this forum and the people in it. These steps I am taking I would never have been able to do last week. By be able to put my thoughts into words has giving me a more mental clarity that I've possessed for ages.

So thanks all!!

I'm not cured or anything. But I've made some good first steps to learning who I am again. (if that makes sense)

Thank you for sharing your experience and stories. I hope you had a nice meal and perhaps went to the group if you felt up to it. I sincerely hope you keep us updated!

 

[blanketyblk]

Back from my little trip out. The group grief session was OK. but it was a little too preachy for me. Being told it is all part of god's plan, just doesn't work for me. There was about 10-15 elderly people there. Who had lost their loved ones so i think it was aimed more at them that younger generation. That was one sad man that who at 22 had lost his wife in a car accident. The look on his face, it's the same face of lose that I had with Katie. You just wanted to hug him until the end of time. So heart breaking.

I did go to the pub afterwards. But didn't stay to long, wan;t able to enjoy myself after seeing that poor man's pain. So just had a quite meal and played the pokes and lost. So I left.
I am going to try and go out for dinner at least once a week from now on. Looking at these 4 walls all the time will start to drive me batty.

I sincerely hope the group session goes well and you manage to have a enjoyable evening.

it was OK. i spoke. talked about my loss. they all listen and i did feel a little better. again be able to put into words what i've gone though is all thanks to this site. truly amazing.

Hey, thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad that you're trying to get help. Might as well try everything before making the last decision, right? On another note, I recently started reading Wheel of Time, as well. I'm also a huge sci-fi and fantasy fan. I wish I could've met your father. Do you still read or has the depression taken away that pleasure too?

if you like wheel of time books. Then my dad would of talked your ear off. he has so many theories about those books. he would talk about them to anyone who had read them. he also liked the the Saga of Recluce by L.E Modesitt you might find them right up your alley as well.

I have lost my enjoyment of reading fantasy novels. I'm trying to get back into reading. But at the moment I've gone down into reading poetry and history. Not sure why . Just needed a change. However at least I am still reading. I would rather read a book then watch TV.

Thank you for sharing your experience and stories. I hope you had a nice meal and perhaps went to the group if you felt up to it. I sincerely hope you keep us updated!

You're welcome. i know i am getting a lot out of posting on here. truly more than i think people realize. its an outlet for me.

Hugs All
BlanketyBlk

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Back from my little trip out. The group grief session was OK. but it was a little too preachy for me. Being told it is all part of god's plan, just doesn't work for me. There was about 10-15 elderly people there. Who had lost their loved ones so i think it was aimed more at them that younger generation. That was one sad man that who at 22 had lost his wife in a car accident. The look on his face, it's the same face of lose that I had with Katie. You just wanted to hug him until the end of time. So heart breaking.

I did go to the pub afterwards. But didn't stay to long, was able to enjoyment self after seeing that poor man's pain. So just had a quite meal and played the pokes and lost. So I left.
I am going to try and go out for dinner at least once a week from now on. Looking at these 4 walls all the time will start to drive me batty.



it was OK. i spoke. talked about my loss. they all listen and i did feel a little better. again be able to put into words what i've gone though is all thanks to this site. truly amazing.



if you like wheel of time books. Then my dad would of talked your ear off. he has so many theories about those books. he would talk about them to anyone who had read them. he also liked the the Saga of Recluce by L.E Modesitt you might find them right up your alley as well.

I have lost my enjoyment of reading fantasy novels. I'm trying to get back into reading. But at the moment I've gone down into reading poetry and history. Not sure why . Just needed a change. However at least I am still reading. I would rather read a book then watch TV.



You're welcome. i know i am getting a lot out of posting on here. truly more than i think people realize. its an outlet for me.

Hugs All
BlanketyBlk

Hugs!!

Sometimes having that weekly self date night is all we need, along with that pint.

Cheers my friend.

 

[blanketyblk]

Hugs!!

Sometimes having that weekly self date night is all we need, along with that pint.

Cheers my friend.

I hope to be able to do this. i will admit i felt very odd being alone at the restaurant in the bar . I made sure I sat right at the back in the corner so I was ignored. Maybe every few times I do it, I move closer and closer into the centre of the restaurant. Kind of like trying to re-join humanity, one meal at a time. That would be something to see


Tomorrow is my GP visit to make sure i am of right sound of mind to go back to work. Also going to ask about what i need to do to lose weight besides exercise. Maybe change tablets? Also ask about my lack of sex drive. Not that i have any interest in sex or anyone to have it with. But it would be nice to know what is going on. That's if i don't get too embarrassed lol

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I hope to be able to do this. i will admit i felt very odd being alone at the restaurant in the bar . I made sure I sat right at the back in the corner so I was ignored. Maybe every few times I do it, I move closer and closer into the centre of the restaurant. Kind of like trying to re-join humanity, one meal at a time. That would be something to see


Tomorrow is my GP visit to make sure i am of right sound of mind to go back to work. Also going to ask about what i need to do to lose weight besides exercise. Maybe change tablets? Also ask about my lack of sex drive. Not that i have any interest in sex or anyone to have it with. But it would be nice to know what is going on. That's if i don't get too embarrassed lol

Oh Blankety, just know it's not abnormal at all to eat on your own at a bar. I bartend, I get loners all the time. We chat if they'd like to, I entertain, I make sure they leave feeling full and happy. Perhaps do a tour of the local pubs and make it a game? Which one has the best service? Food? Beer selection?

 

[Halo13]

I hope to be able to do this. i will admit i felt very odd being alone at the restaurant in the bar . I made sure I sat right at the back in the corner so I was ignored. Maybe every few times I do it, I move closer and closer into the centre of the restaurant. Kind of like trying to re-join humanity, one meal at a time. That would be something to see


Tomorrow is my GP visit to make sure i am of right sound of mind to go back to work. Also going to ask about what i need to do to lose weight besides exercise. Maybe change tablets? Also ask about my lack of sex drive. Not that i have any interest in sex or anyone to have it with. But it would be nice to know what is going on. That's if i don't get too embarrassed lol

That sounds like a plan, easing yourself into it. Might help to remember many people are intimidated by someone with the confidence to sit alone to eat - highly doubt you'll get teased like in school

Don't be embarrassed by asking your doctor about sex. They'd rather know what is going on so that they can help and they've heard far worse than a lack of sex drive

 

[Paisley]

heartfelt condolences for all the loved ones that you've lost. i'm positive that you made each of their lives better by having been there for them.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Great news! I'm sure finding this site is the best thing most of us have done. Keep on and give news, hugs and kiss!

 

[blanketyblk]

Oh Blankety, just know it's not abnormal at all to eat on your own at a bar. I bartend, I get loners all the time. We chat if they'd like to, I entertain, I make sure they leave feeling full and happy. Perhaps do a tour of the local pubs and make it a game? Which one has the best service? Food? Beer selection?

You sound like you would of been fantastic as a barkeep. I like your idea of a game. I'm going to give that a spin!! moving out of my confront zone is something i have to do if i want to survive.

heartfelt condolences for all the loved ones that you've lost. i'm positive that you made each of their lives better by having been there for them.

Thank you. truly. i hope i did. i do know i was lucky to of had the people in my life that i did. even though my life has been pain. the people i shared it with made it bearable.

Great news! I'm sure finding this site is the best thing most of us have done. Keep on and give news, hugs and kiss!

Thanks! and i agree people here are simply amazing.