NoLoveNoHope
Mage
- Mar 25, 2023
- 559
nsfw: descriptions of self-harm
I'm always getting reminded about how much of a dysfunctional and defective of a human I am. I wish I could just stab myself, I want to see the person I hate most just suffer and wince in pain. I don't even know if I'm just one person or somehow I'm developing alternate personalities. I wish I could just die, as painfully as I deserve. I am disgusted by myself not only physically but mentally. I wish I could tear myself apart and build a better person to replace me. I wonder sometimes is death too good for me?
I'm just realizing that this is what I'm talking about, I'm not usually violent or hateful to anyone. Why are my thoughts splitting? Do I even know what I think anymore? Or how I feel? I've made sure for this situation I know for a fact that I rationally think suicide is a good option and doesn't need further questioning due to my well... declining mental state.
I feel so paranoid, like someones watching over me. Like someone is out for me. I hate myself so much I make myself think the police are after me. I feel insane, I've done a pretty good job at masking until now.
I remember thinking days ago, what if I broke my ribs so my lungs would get penetrated so I choke on my own blood and die as painfully as possible. I always think someone will recongnize me on this forum and I'll get locked up or something. I hate my own anxiety so fucking much. How am I supposed to keep an appearence of a 'person' when I can't even tell whos speaking to me.
I hallucinate so much more now, I hear whispers, see people, vivid nightmares of my torture and death, pretty much anything. I really wish I could just torture myself, I'd find it comforting. I like to imagine poking my eye out with a skewer in times like these. Sometimes eating it as well. Do other people get these thoughts or am I really going insane?
It feels like I'm waiting until the day I go batshit insane to ctb, am I even sane right now? Am I even by most definitions human..? Am I some fucked up sub species of an already fucked up species.
Cuting this off now I'll cut myself now (no pun intended)
I'm always getting reminded about how much of a dysfunctional and defective of a human I am. I wish I could just stab myself, I want to see the person I hate most just suffer and wince in pain. I don't even know if I'm just one person or somehow I'm developing alternate personalities. I wish I could just die, as painfully as I deserve. I am disgusted by myself not only physically but mentally. I wish I could tear myself apart and build a better person to replace me. I wonder sometimes is death too good for me?
I'm just realizing that this is what I'm talking about, I'm not usually violent or hateful to anyone. Why are my thoughts splitting? Do I even know what I think anymore? Or how I feel? I've made sure for this situation I know for a fact that I rationally think suicide is a good option and doesn't need further questioning due to my well... declining mental state.
I feel so paranoid, like someones watching over me. Like someone is out for me. I hate myself so much I make myself think the police are after me. I feel insane, I've done a pretty good job at masking until now.
I remember thinking days ago, what if I broke my ribs so my lungs would get penetrated so I choke on my own blood and die as painfully as possible. I always think someone will recongnize me on this forum and I'll get locked up or something. I hate my own anxiety so fucking much. How am I supposed to keep an appearence of a 'person' when I can't even tell whos speaking to me.
I hallucinate so much more now, I hear whispers, see people, vivid nightmares of my torture and death, pretty much anything. I really wish I could just torture myself, I'd find it comforting. I like to imagine poking my eye out with a skewer in times like these. Sometimes eating it as well. Do other people get these thoughts or am I really going insane?
It feels like I'm waiting until the day I go batshit insane to ctb, am I even sane right now? Am I even by most definitions human..? Am I some fucked up sub species of an already fucked up species.
Cuting this off now I'll cut myself now (no pun intended)
