Everybody around me has successful lives

[FireFox]

Everyone around me is so successful with their lives. My friends have jobs and are living in their own in different towns and cities.
One of my relatives is in her 20s and she is getting married soon. Everyone in my family is talking about her upcoming wedding. Before the pandemic happened I went to a party in 2019 which my former classmates where there. Its hard not feel like a failure when see your former classmates having careers, children and doing all these cool things in their life since leaving school. One of my classmates is an NHS doctor, another classmate went to Oxford University, got married and has a career in a pr firm all at 23 years old and others have stable jobs .

It's like everyone around me has something good going for them and I have nothing going for me. I don't talk to my friends or people anymore because I am ashamed of my life.

It's never going to get better

 

[Superdeterminist]

Maybe this won't do any good and you've heard it a million times before, but don't pay attention to them. I know how horrible that feeling is of comparing yourself to others and finding yourself to be inadequate. Their apparent superiority over you is totally illusory. For any achievement, you can be damn sure there was a price paid, and there was always luck involved. If you're in a bad spot, ultimately it's bad luck that got you there, so don't blame yourself. Not to mention, nothing is ever happily ever after, that 'dream job' you see your friend working at? They probably hate some aspects of it, maybe they hate it completely. There are reasons you are where you are, and reasons they are where they are, and all of these cosmic reasons are beyond any of us, much as many people like to appeal to 'free will' and the idea that we all choose our fates. That is nonsense.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

you're way too young to worry about that.

 

[Pookie]

Do you think their lives are going to be "perfect" forever? No, because life doesn't work like that. Yes, some people are luckier than others, but most of us have our periods of famine and feast.

Unless you're stuck in the poverty trap, which is almost impossible to get out of, things can change for you too. Don't give up hope just yet.

 

[Beachedwhale]

Feeling the same. I was asleep for a decade and didn't realise that I could've been successful too if I'd done certain things to build confidence. It wasn't even about the degree or grades or work...it came down to confidence, self love. Getting fit, which I didn't do because I was depressed/lazy.

 

[NeverReallyHere]

We've been trained to look at ourselves and others as commodities in the marketplace. Your friends seem sucessful to you because they've become adept at presenting a positive image of themselves to those around them as part of this process of "self-marketing"... But it is only an image; there's no way of knowing what sort of hidden struggles they're dealing with, and I guarantee that many of them - perhaps most of them - are.

 

[Ramirez]

I have lost all faith in the system we live in. It's all about fucking others over or being a suck up to their boss and/or teachers. Basically being robots and performing like others want us to do. There is a very small percentage who benefits from the general population doing this rat race and we are not in it. So I'm not jelly of others working their job all day or having their "dream" girl tbh it's all bull. Its conditional garbage. doesn't mean anything but basically stroking someone's ego. Just my thoughts

 

[meetapple]

Assume you were "successful" and got a job with a large law firm. Lawyers at big firms are the unhappiest. Once you make $75,000 a year you don't become much happier by making more. Use this chance to determine what you want from the field of law. Find a firm with clients whose values you share.. You can also use your legal degree to develop a career outside of the law.

 

[LastFlowers]

We've been trained to look at ourselves and others as commodities in the marketplace. Your friends seem sucessful to you because they've become adept at presenting a positive image of themselves to those around them as part of this process of "self-marketing"... But it is only an image; there's no way of knowing what sort of hidden struggles they're dealing with, and I guarantee that many of them - perhaps most of them - are.

Maybe this won't do any good and you've heard it a million times before, but don't pay attention to them. I know how horrible that feeling is of comparing yourself to others and finding yourself to be inadequate. Their apparent superiority over you is totally illusory. For any achievement, you can be damn sure there was a price paid, and there was always luck involved. If you're in a bad spot, ultimately it's bad luck that got you there, so don't blame yourself. Not to mention, nothing is ever happily ever after, that 'dream job' you see your friend working at? They probably hate some aspects of it, maybe they hate it completely. There are reasons you are where you are, and reasons they are where they are, and all of these cosmic reasons are beyond any of us, much as many people like to appeal to 'free will' and the idea that we all choose our fates. That is nonsense.

I think the idea that we are all secretly equal underneath it all, and in just as much pain as the next, with every good and bad thing balanced is, well, a crock of shit.

The truth is that some people ARE just better off and that's why they choose to flaunt it. Any pitfalls along the way, or behind the scenes, aren't going to mean much within the bigger picture, when plenty of other people don't even have the means to create an image or "illusion" in the first place.
Some of us can't even hide our damages, so we have to hide ourselves.
There is not an ounce of freedom in that.
No avenue to expression.
Nothing.

I don't like the false narrative that the "big guys" struggle so we should all somehow take solace in that.
Because we shouldn't. Unless we take joy in lying to ourselves.
That's how the people on top keep us down, by trying to make us believe that it's not worth it, that some terrible price was paid..it's not true, it is-usually-worth it, and if the price to get there was anything more than unearned luck and chance, then it was obviously still something worthy of the journey there-or the trade off to get it, otherwise they would let their fortune go and join the rest of us.
But guess what? They never do.

The superiority "complex" they have is real and tangible and those of us on the other side of it suffer from this dichotomy everyday.
Comparisons are inescapable unless you're the last man on earth.
It's like eating and breathing, it's an unfortunate part of life, and part of the reason certain types of suffering can be so intense.

As far as a lack of free will, that's a philosophical dilemma and not really a good way of approaching the predicament that OP, and many others, find themselves stuck in.
But in a way, I will agree that all these "cosmic reasons" that people are where they are, can mostly be chalked down to things outside of our control.
So they aren't really logical reasons, just random chance.
However, I would not expect that fact to make anybody feel better about their shitty situation, especially relative to other's.

 

[Rayzieka]

Yeah.. most of my friends have everything going for them it seems and I'm just sitting here with no chances.
I was 'unschooled' and can't relate to them most of the time, then a few years into finally working a few jobs my disability kicks me in the ribs and now its as if I never tried.

 

[LastFlowers]

Do you think their lives are going to be "perfect" forever? No, because life doesn't work like that. Yes, some people are luckier than others, but most of us have our periods of famine and feast.

Unless you're stuck in the poverty trap, which is almost impossible to get out of, things can change for you too. Don't give up hope just yet.

Nothing is forever, even life, but that's what memories and the present moment are for, I would rather have a few perfect or simply good memories than none at all (or the complete opposite.)
For instance, I don't really care if the Royals have a famine or two in their lives when the majority of their existence was spent feasting.
That would be akin to expecting someone to be comforted by the thought of a clear skinned individual getting a handful of pimples throughout their life, while they themselves were scarred with cystic acne.
It's just insulting, to be frank.

 

[Green Destiny]

I'm right there with you my friend. Most of my friends have gone to college and moved to other cities with decent jobs. My older sibling went to college for 7 years and has herself a very successful high paying job and has gotten married. While i've been stuck at the same dead end job since I graduated highschool for 7 years now. I'm stuck in the same place while everyone gets further and further away, it already feels like it's too late for me now since I've wasted so much time.

 

[NeverReallyHere]

I don't like the false narrative that the "big guys" struggle so we should all somehow take solace in that.

That's not really the point I was trying to make. I myself have been told by friends in the past that I seemed to have my life "together" and it was all I could do not to laugh in their faces. Does that make me one of the "big guys," because I managed to get others (by no conscious effort) to perceive me as such? The real problem is the system which forces us to view life as some sort of fucked-up zero-sum game where everyone is in competition with everyone else, and compels us to measure our own self-worth solely in relation to the achievements and failures of others.

 

[deepinlimbo]

Everyone around me is so successful with their lives. My friends have jobs and are living in their own in different towns and cities.
One of my relatives is in her 20s and she is getting married soon. Everyone in my family is talking about her upcoming wedding. Before the pandemic happened I went to a party in 2019 which my former classmates where there. Its hard not feel like a failure when see your former classmates having careers, children and doing all these cool things in their life since leaving school. One of my classmates is an NHS doctor, another classmate went to Oxford University, got married and has a career in a pr firm all at 23 years old and others have stable jobs .

It's like everyone around me has something good going for them and I have nothing going for me. I don't talk to my friends or people anymore because I am ashamed of my life.

It's never going to get better

The grass is always greener on the other side.

never take someone's life, job, family and so on at face value. Who knows what's happening behind the curtain so to speak.

celebrities are a good example of This. You would think that they are living the dream, everything they could ever desire then next minute you hear about one having a messy divorce despite it seeming they had the best relationship or loosing loads of money from gambling or succumbing to an illness that they kept covered up.

some people are very good at putting on up a front, call it a ruse or a coping mechanism or lying. Or perhaps they just haven't hit a bad patch yet.

the worst thing we can do is compare ourselves to others but it's easy to do when we feel hopeless, I can easily relate. I just want what I would call a 'normal' existence.

I hope you can feel better somehow.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I think the idea that we are all secretly equal underneath it all, and in just as much pain as the next, with every good and bad thing balanced is, well, a crock of shit.

The truth is that some people ARE just better off and that's why they choose to flaunt it. Any pitfalls along the way, or behind the scenes, aren't going to mean much within the bigger picture, when plenty of other people don't even have the means to create an image or "illusion" in the first place.
Some of us can't even hide our damages, so we have to hide ourselves.
There is not an ounce of freedom in that.
No avenue to expression.
Nothing.

I don't like the false narrative that the "big guys" struggle so we should all somehow take solace in that.
Because we shouldn't. Unless we take joy in lying to ourselves.
That's how the people on top keep us down, by trying to make us believe that it's not worth it, that some terrible price was paid..it's not true, it is-usually-worth it, and if the price to get there was anything more than unearned luck and chance, then it was obviously still something worthy of the journey there-or the trade off to get it, otherwise they would let their fortune go and join the rest of us.
But guess what? They never do.

The superiority "complex" they have is real and tangible and those of us on the other side of it suffer from this dichotomy everyday.
Comparisons are inescapable unless you're the last man on earth.
It's like eating and breathing, it's an unfortunate part of life, and part of the reason certain types of suffering can be so intense.

As far as a lack of free will, that's a philosophical dilemma and not really a good way of approaching the predicament that OP, and many others, find themselves stuck in.
But in a way, I will agree that all these "cosmic reasons" that people are where they are, can mostly be chalked down to things outside of our control.
So they aren't really logical reasons, just random chance.
However, I would not expect that fact to make anybody feel better about their shitty situation, especially relative to other's.

I definitely agree that some are better off than others. Inequality is rampant in all aspects of life, which is a horrible thing.

I do think free will is central to this issue because people are always in dispute about how much of their success is due to the 'free' choices they made, that anyone else could've made, but didn't because...well that's as far as it ever goes.

To me, suicide and self hatred, as well as hatred of others, is the ultimate conclusion if one adopts the idea of free will. If your failings are truly your fault and you really could've done better, then it only makes sense to beat yourself up forever. And for anyone that has done me wrong, why wouldn't I hate them until the end of time, if they really could've done otherwise but simply didn't?

Imo, the idea that your failures are all your ultimate responsibility, and that you could've succeeded but you freely chose not to (whatever that means), is not only false, but toxic as well. For me at least, recognising the lack of free will assuaged mountains of negative emotions that I had about my life circumstances. It is true that it doesn't solve the inequality, so the situation still sucks.

There are different definitions of of 'free'. If your definition of free will is "the capacity to make choices" as it is for some, then of course we have free will. But the notion that brains make decisions is uncontroversial. The far more interesting question is why brains A and B make different decisions in the same situation.

Decisions can logically only happen either: for reasons, or for no reason at all. In either case they aren't free, meaning there was no option to make other decisions. Where is the universe where at time t (NOT another time), I chose vanilla instead of chocolate? Why do I not also get to enjoy that outcome, instead being stuck with a single branch of reality?

I want to stress my conviction that absolutely everything is down to luck, there isn't anything at all within our ultimate control. There are things that we causally influence, but how we influence those things is down to the workings of our brains, itself down to the inexorable evolution of the universe. I know that people will still reject this idea because they have to believe that they really do control something and arent just watching a movie of sorts because that is too depressing for them or whatever, but that is the truth of things, as far as I can tell.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know what it is like. I see others who appear to have more and it makes me aware of what I am lacking and I feel inferior. I try to ignore those feelings but it is hard. It is why I isolate myself from others really. It can be a painful existence. I guess there is always ways we can improve our lives, but I guess some people are just unlucky and this world can be unfair. I feel like I have been cursed and I guess I have had to accept that fact.

 

[Beachedwhale]

Ok. Fair enough. X got Y, and I did not get Y.

However, if I can pull myself out of this, and care for this body despite seeing X having Y; in short, if I can, whenever I feel that envy, instantly generate a wellspring of self-care and pride, and if I conduct this interesting experiment wherein I attempt to overcome the greatest hurdles and give this body a good life, a better life...then surely that would be something greatly to be coveted? And in the end if it all went to shit my method would always be there...but it has to be put aside for now.

 

[Morbid Cam]

Sorry for the late response to this but this post really touched me. I've been feeling like this a LOT lately because things never work out in my favor. And this isn't just a one off or a setback, im saying this after years and years of being setback. It honestly feels terrible, while all my friends are able to move forward with their lives I'm still stuck at square one. And everytime I try to improve my life and put in the work there is always something that comes along and puts me right back where I was. I feel like I just cannot win in life and I'm so tired of trying at this point. The only thing keeping me going at this point is video games and anime (escapism) . My hope for the future is gone and now I'm just looking forward to one day being gone. I hate that things turned out this way and I wish I had a time machine to fix the past but sadly we were born into a cold and uncaring universe. I'm really sorry you have to experience this feeling as well friend. You don't deserve that pain. This world is hell.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I hate this feeling. I'm scared of associating with successful people because I feel belittled and ashamed of myself. It always seems like everyone I knew has achieved something in life, while I'm still just a loser who can't even work full time or put in the effort to find another job. How do people even study? It's impossible. My brain is fried and can't take in anything that isn't particular to my immediate interests. Doomed for life.

 

[Hurt]

Well. We don't actually know what's going inside their minds. There's a person I know how seemed to have a great lifestyle. Always happy and he started to talk about sui some weeks ago.

 

[FireFox]

I hate this feeling. I'm scared of associating with successful people because I feel belittled and ashamed of myself. It always seems like everyone I knew has achieved something in life, while I'm still just a loser who can't even work full time or put in the effort to find another job. How do people even study? It's impossible. My brain is fried and can't take in anything that isn't particular to my immediate interests. Doomed for life.

Sorry for the late response to this but this post really touched me. I've been feeling like this a LOT lately because things never work out in my favor. And this isn't just a one off or a setback, im saying this after years and years of being setback. It honestly feels terrible, while all my friends are able to move forward with their lives I'm still stuck at square one. And everytime I try to improve my life and put in the work there is always something that comes along and puts me right back where I was. I feel like I just cannot win in life and I'm so tired of trying at this point. The only thing keeping me going at this point is video games and anime (escapism) . My hope for the future is gone and now I'm just looking forward to one day being gone. I hate that things turned out this way and I wish I had a time machine to fix the past but sadly we were born into a cold and uncaring universe. I'm really sorry you have to experience this feeling as well friend. You don't deserve that pain. This world is hell.

Sorry for the late response to this but this post really touched me. I've been feeling like this a LOT lately because things never work out in my favor. And this isn't just a one off or a setback, im saying this after years and years of being setback. It honestly feels terrible, while all my friends are able to move forward with their lives I'm still stuck at square one. And everytime I try to improve my life and put in the work there is always something that comes along and puts me right back where I was. I feel like I just cannot win in life and I'm so tired of trying at this point. The only thing keeping me going at this point is video games and anime (escapism) . My hope for the future is gone and now I'm just looking forward to one day being gone. I hate that things turned out this way and I wish I had a time machine to fix the past but sadly we were born into a cold and uncaring universe. I'm really sorry you have to experience this feeling as well friend. You don't deserve that pain. This world is hell.

MorbidCam Dont be sorry I love it when people respond to my threads because I love hearing different opinions and perspectives from other people. I write my threads because I want to meet people like myself who have experienced similar things. This is the one website in which I can be truly open about my feelings.

How old are you? The culture our generation lives in doesn't help either.

We live in a culture which constantly magnifies youth success especially within a persons early 20s or even teens ie the forbes under 30 list, reality TV culture, times magazine feature of youth activitism, rise of Greta Thunberg , Tik Tok , influencer culture and so much more. If you are young and successful society puts you on a pedestal. It is literally impossible not to feel like a failure when society constantly promotes young people doing big things before they hit 30.

We live also live in a culture in which people just love making others feel so bad if they are not successful in a way society expects them to be or not conforming to a certain lifestyle. A couple of months ago my mother ordered Macdonalds using ubereats I ended up answering the door. My mum wanted to give the man a tip and was taking long so I ended up waiting while holding door .The ubereats delivery driver was a young man he was talking to me. He asked me if I was working. When i said no the delivery man said in the most patronising tone every " you should be working " and I could see an eye roll he gave me. I

Look how judgemental people are if you are unemployed, living with parents.

Our parents just don't understand at all.

It's is so frustrating when a person really wants to change their life but are constantly unsuccessful all the time. I am sorry I hope things work out for you. You deserve to be happy my friend.

 

[Versailles]

I hate this feeling. I'm scared of associating with successful people because I feel belittled and ashamed of myself. It always seems like everyone I knew has achieved something in life, while I'm still just a loser who can't even work full time or put in the effort to find another job. How do people even study? It's impossible. My brain is fried and can't take in anything that isn't particular to my immediate interests. Doomed for life.

Here is my biggest problem with this society, the obsession with success, is our goal in life really to be a really successful person in everything I do? Or are they simply ideologies imposed in the modern age? I am not saying that being successful is bad, what is wrong is blaming yourself for not having achieved success because it is as if we wanted to enter a kind of club by force. Luck exists and is sometimes selfish with some people

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Here is my biggest problem with this society, the obsession with success, is our goal in life really to be a really successful person in everything I do? Or are they simply ideologies imposed in the modern age? I am not saying that being successful is bad, what is wrong is blaming yourself for not having achieved success because it is as if we wanted to enter a kind of club by force. Luck exists and is sometimes selfish with some people

Sadly, this is the way we've been programmed to think by the fortunate among us. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it really puts into perspective just how much I've messed everything up. Luck absolutely is a huge factor here. I think of it as hundreds of thousands of dice being rolled for or against us at the moment of birth, and the results will determine how we fare in life. It's not that someone worked hard to get somewhere, but they already possessed an inborn characteristic of motivation and drive that led them to succeed, or manage their life against the odds. This idea of luck ruling everything becomes even clearer in hindsight. The following seems to agree.

"I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them." - Ecclessiastes 9: 11 - 12

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

So you consider them getting married , going along with a corporate agenda , and having children that are mostly likely going to die horrible deaths when runaway climate changes and petroleum shortages becomes undeniable as a success?

strange definition of success

you can ask Iraqis and afghanis what was required of them for your friends to have career "success" in the UK.
They got their asses bombed to hell and back so the lights can turn on in places like Oxford and London.

 

[mold]

i've never related more, all my friends are happy, doing things they love, going places they've always wanted to see. i feel like i'm rotting away sometimes, and i feel even worse and guilty because it's not like my life is bad. i'm lucky my mom even wants to take care of a neet like me lol

 

[rosie93]

Anyone else feels like a loser?

 

[ncmxm]

I'm right there with you my friend. Most of my friends have gone to college and moved to other cities with decent jobs. My older sibling went to college for 7 years and has herself a very successful high paying job and has gotten married. While i've been stuck at the same dead end job since I graduated highschool for 7 years now. I'm stuck in the same place while everyone gets further and further away, it already feels like it's too late for me now since I've wasted so much time.

I feel the exact same way, that I'm so far behind now I'll never catch up with other people and there isn't even a point in trying

What helps me a bit is telling myself that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now and just nipping it in the bud when I start comparing myself to other people and praising the shit out of myself for any achievement, no matter how small

I know this feeling though, I'm really sorry you're experiencing it too, at least know you're not alone and I know how you feel

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I wouldn't say that everyone around me is successful, but it definitely feels like I'm the most useless of the bunch. No job, no career, no money, no goals, no ambitions. My own worthlessness and incapacity are killing me. Being unsuccessful really brings me down. I couldn't care less about children and marriages. Death is the best option. Always has been and always will be

 

[Hurt]

Anyone else feels like a loser?

Yes. All the time I'm so done with this

 

[NothingElseMatters]

I already told you a thousand times, you're far too young, stop saying things that are untrue. you have plenty of time to change your life.