Shinobu
Ignorance is bliss.
- Apr 5, 2023
- 66
I have a habit of whenever I get into relationships I fall completely head over heels and love bomb them to death I can't help it, its not intentional love bombing. In the moment I really feel like I love them that much. I have to be around them 24/7 I have to text them every second we have to be on call for hours a day (sometimes id call them for 16 hours a day multiple days in a row) and every little thing I do wrong i overthink and have panic attacks just from the slight thought my partner could be upset at me and go crazy and start sobbing hysterically if they don't text me for an entire day and I think I did something wrong even if they could just simply be busy. I have such a bad overthinking problem in general its horrible but thats for another post. I'll treat them like a god and worship the ground they walk on sacrafice friendships and family relationships for them risk getting in trouble with my parents and the law for them if they ask me to bike 2 hours to their house I will (and I have) if they'd ask me to skip school back when I was in school I would(and I have) I'd sacrafice my well being and my personal life all for them because in my head whoever I was dating at the time was all that mattered no one else would even be an afterthought. That's my version of love thats the only love i've ever known. One thing one of my ex's said that never left me was that it was more obbesion then love which sent me spiraliing because have I even loved anyone ever have I loved any of my partners like I think I have or has it only been impulsive obession. I still don't know. Eventually the obbessiveness fades and always this has happened with EVERY single person I have ever been with (if it even lasts long enough to get to this point which is rare like 3-6 month range this happens) I will slowly start losing feelings randomly usually one small argument or even a large argument and something I just can't do is forgive people especially the people I care about and are dating one argument is all it takes to take that person from a god status in my head to absolutely despising and loathign them all the time and even if I tell myself I want to go back to how it was I want to go back to loving this person I miss the love I had for said person I just can't go back my brian won't let me it just is never the same and my resentment for them builds I don't want to be on call anymore all the time I don't want to talk ill ignore them for hours ill want to be alone all the time and slowly I just dissasociate until im basically mentally not even in the relationship anymore. And I have an issue where I can't break up with my partners because I'm a fucking loser without the willpower so I'll just intentionally hurt them and make them hate me enough to break up with me so I don't have to do it. I also feel some sense of moral superiority when I do this like I'm helping them by hating me when they leave me so they're not sad over the relationship ending, because by this point mentally I would already be checkout out of the relationship and at this point its only a label with no meaning so I'd feel bad if they were sad about the relationship ending I wasn't. Something I'll only admit because Ill be dead by the time anyone I know irl sees this is that for every ex ive left consistantly 2-3 months later ill regret it so bad ill sob and cry myself to sleep everyday like for a good 2-3 months ill be completely fine and then suddenly a switch will go off in my brain that makes me miss them so much and so bad I can't stand it. This cycle happens in every single relationship I've ever been in and ive lost many people and friends from getting into relationships and cutting everyone off from being obsessive and losing that person to I just don't think its worth it anymore I think realisticlly relationship wise im completely doomed. So I've just given up. Another thing that makes me feel like relationships are pointless is because im trans (MtF) and I don't pass for shit and I probably never will because I started estrogen too late. So if I get into a relationship I have 3 options: hide the fact im trans which will eventually lead to me having to come out eventually when i have more noticible affects from estrogen which would most likely leading to the relationship ending, dating a guy telling them im trans but all they see it as is a gay relationship because I don't pass and they still see me as a man or dating a woman and them seeing it as a straight relationship because I don't pass and they will see me as a man. Either option it all ends in failure or giving up my self worth for humiluation overall not worth it so I just give up. Considering I think I will be gone in a few years I guess it would be cruel of me to get into a relationship now anyways.
