KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,801
Everytime I join a support group for one of my conditions, the discussions there make me utterly disheartened and miserable. If I share my story, I am told how strong I am, and to just hold out a few years longer, because there is still hope for a cure. Fuck off.
I can pour my heart out to people who are supposed to understand, only to be met with pro life platitudes and optimism bias tainted sentiments. I am so tired of being told that I need help, only for the so called help to make me feel even lousier.
You would expect those who suffer from chronic illnesses themselves to have empathy and compassion for their fellow sufferers. Instead, I am told that I need to "be more resilient", "cut toxic people out of my life" and never lose hope "because I am so young and will grow thicker skin with time, age 22 is nothing! "
Do other people not comprehend that when you are disabled, you cannot simply block everyone out of your life who hurts or annoys you? When your livelihood depends on the magnanimous support of others, you can't go trekking off to the mountains in search of a hermit's solitude.
I am sick of being given the same cookie cutter advice over and over again that serves no purpose except to placate one's optimistic worldview and continually encourage the disparaged to remain docile in the face of piss-poor, crumbling welfare systems.
It leaves me seething that people would rather see you suffer immensely and be crippled by disease forever as opposed to accepting your wishes. News flash, if a magic cure for all my illnesses suddenly emerged, it would not erase all the years of youth lost nor the memories of anguish I've had to endure.
Despite me lamenting in great detail about how therapy has been so useless (and even damaging, at times) for me, people in a CFS group were you guessed it, telling me to seek therapy once again.
Yet somehow this go around will be different if I somehow find "the one" who take things slower than they would with a physically healthy client. You think they'd adjust the price for that, since such a thing would inevitably have to be sought privately? No way. It wouldn't help either, as I am well aware of what these talk therapies entail.
I'm at the stage where people throwing meager bones at me in a futile attempt to spark hope only fuels angry rather than relief. No matter where I go, no one understands what I'm going through. In CFS groups they won't understand ptsd and autism. In autism groups, they don't understand cfs and chronic pain. There are very few people on this earth who happen to suffer from all the maladies I do, who can relate to this hellish experience.
I hate being told to be more resilient. It makes me want to snap even more. It makes me want to impulsively ctb right now and not give a damn. Because you know what, these people will never have to endure my suffering, so how can they say with any amount of confidence that I do not have thick skin?
Come back to me when you are crippled by physical illnesses ravaging you, autism coupled with its lovely consequences (mutism, dyspraxia), years upon years of trauma, having no family, and being too disabled to function in the workplace or school. People expect you to cheerily embrace poverty, isolation, and misery solely because you were unlucky enough to end up disabled.
I will not resign myself to this abhorrent quality of life. If I cannot do the things everyone else can, my life is not worth living. People do not understand this and think you should learn "radical acceptance" in order to cope with your new second class citizen status.
I will not accept being gaslit, mistreated, fobbed off, and existing in a perpetual state of disadvantage until I inevitably succumb to mortality like everyone else does- old, febrile and immobilised in a hospital bed. Why am I forced to live like this?
Why am I not allowed to die? If people would deny me this right, then they are no better than the oppressors who perpetuate the aforementioned toxicity towards vunerable people.
I can pour my heart out to people who are supposed to understand, only to be met with pro life platitudes and optimism bias tainted sentiments. I am so tired of being told that I need help, only for the so called help to make me feel even lousier.
You would expect those who suffer from chronic illnesses themselves to have empathy and compassion for their fellow sufferers. Instead, I am told that I need to "be more resilient", "cut toxic people out of my life" and never lose hope "because I am so young and will grow thicker skin with time, age 22 is nothing! "
Do other people not comprehend that when you are disabled, you cannot simply block everyone out of your life who hurts or annoys you? When your livelihood depends on the magnanimous support of others, you can't go trekking off to the mountains in search of a hermit's solitude.
I am sick of being given the same cookie cutter advice over and over again that serves no purpose except to placate one's optimistic worldview and continually encourage the disparaged to remain docile in the face of piss-poor, crumbling welfare systems.
It leaves me seething that people would rather see you suffer immensely and be crippled by disease forever as opposed to accepting your wishes. News flash, if a magic cure for all my illnesses suddenly emerged, it would not erase all the years of youth lost nor the memories of anguish I've had to endure.
Despite me lamenting in great detail about how therapy has been so useless (and even damaging, at times) for me, people in a CFS group were you guessed it, telling me to seek therapy once again.
Yet somehow this go around will be different if I somehow find "the one" who take things slower than they would with a physically healthy client. You think they'd adjust the price for that, since such a thing would inevitably have to be sought privately? No way. It wouldn't help either, as I am well aware of what these talk therapies entail.
I'm at the stage where people throwing meager bones at me in a futile attempt to spark hope only fuels angry rather than relief. No matter where I go, no one understands what I'm going through. In CFS groups they won't understand ptsd and autism. In autism groups, they don't understand cfs and chronic pain. There are very few people on this earth who happen to suffer from all the maladies I do, who can relate to this hellish experience.
I hate being told to be more resilient. It makes me want to snap even more. It makes me want to impulsively ctb right now and not give a damn. Because you know what, these people will never have to endure my suffering, so how can they say with any amount of confidence that I do not have thick skin?
Come back to me when you are crippled by physical illnesses ravaging you, autism coupled with its lovely consequences (mutism, dyspraxia), years upon years of trauma, having no family, and being too disabled to function in the workplace or school. People expect you to cheerily embrace poverty, isolation, and misery solely because you were unlucky enough to end up disabled.
I will not resign myself to this abhorrent quality of life. If I cannot do the things everyone else can, my life is not worth living. People do not understand this and think you should learn "radical acceptance" in order to cope with your new second class citizen status.
I will not accept being gaslit, mistreated, fobbed off, and existing in a perpetual state of disadvantage until I inevitably succumb to mortality like everyone else does- old, febrile and immobilised in a hospital bed. Why am I forced to live like this?
Why am I not allowed to die? If people would deny me this right, then they are no better than the oppressors who perpetuate the aforementioned toxicity towards vunerable people.
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