Venting envying those close to you sucks...

[XxEstenxX]

Being friends with a human being that functions normally makes me feel depressed (and envious)...

Hearing them talk about going outside, going to college, having a job, visiting places, having plans to visit places in the future, having other friends, being skilled and having many hobbies...

I feel so useless compared to them. I have nothing to talk about because I dont do anything. I feel like I'm holding conversations back because of my lack of experiences in life so I often dont have much to say or talk about, and I tend to make conversations depressing because I cant relate to their experiences unlike other people who would and they feel pity for me everytime.

Whenever they start to talk about their day or themselves I can feel myself starting to spiral because of my jealousy. It sucks so much...I feel terrible whenever I get this way. How am I supposed to tell them to dial it down a bit because I get jealous easily and spiral? How pathetic is that...

 

[scully]

youre so real for that. and i agree it sucks, esp when the other person is "normal" it feels so alienating. i met with a friend like that recently, i was in an absolutely terrible state, worse than usually and it made me realise how uninteresting i actually am. and im not even saying that in a self hating way but i just have completely nothing to say. i can vent and talk about how i feel but i havent read an actual book in ages, i dont know my favourite movie and i have no hobbies or passions cause the last few years surviving was an accomplishment. but i cant really say that cause, like you said, whats normal for people with mental health issues feels weird for others and also the other way around.
i dont think feeling jealous is pathetic tho. you were denied basic human experiences because of your mh struggles. and from what you wrote you missed out on a lot of "normal" life experiences or at least they looked vastly different for you. envying others is valid as fuck. it sucks to feel that way but i think that in a way its grief, yk? grieving what your life couldve been if you had been healthy.

 

[XxEstenxX]

it sucks to feel that way but i think that in a way its grief, yk? grieving what your life couldve been if you had been healthy.

Yeah, thats a good way to put it, actually. I've experienced death of a loved one before and the grief I felt then is similar to how I feel about my life whenever I think about how little I've done up to this point...as if I had already died long ago.

 

[Cepheuss]

i completely agree it makes me want to be around the people i love less because i look at them and theyre all so smart theyve got good personalities theyre just so fucking great and im just there i cant do any of the shit they do and i can never understand why they want to be around me so i just think they all actually hate me. It doesn't help the only time i spoke to my best friend about how depressed i was he just said he doesn't understand how people get depressed or why people cut themselves and it just confuses me cause hes a great guy he's extremely fucking smart but hes had it rough so how doesn't he get it.

 

[XxEstenxX]

he just said he doesn't understand how people get depressed or why people cut themselves and it just confuses me cause hes a great guy he's extremely fucking smart but hes had it rough so how doesn't he get it.

He's had it rough but has never been depressed? That is weird. Perhaps he just didnt want to admit it. I know men specifically have a hard time admitting when they've gone through shit because of "toxic masculinity" or whatever. Some people also just force themselves to be happy or to ignore their depressive thoughts and just keep going (which isnt healthy at all). I'm sorry that your friend dismissed you like that, though.

 

[Cepheuss]

He's had it rough but has never been depressed? That is weird. Perhaps he just didnt want to admit it. I know men specifically have a hard time admitting when they've gone through shit because of "toxic masculinity" or whatever. Some people also just force themselves to be happy or to ignore their depressive thoughts and just keep going (which isnt healthy at all). I'm sorry that your friend dismissed you like that, though.

Nah i know him well enough to know hes being honest, and hes gay as hell so isnt very toxic masculinity you know. But yeah its weird to me but oh well