KanadaMan
Member
- Nov 9, 2020
- 8
I just recently discovered this site and saw that everyone here has a different view from the cliche "No, don't kill yourself, you have so much to live for!". Man am I tired from posting to other communities and chatting with others just to have them try and talk me out of it. For me it's set in stone. I must get a permanent relief from this life I don't want to live. I have been in treatment and have been hospitalized. I take medication but I just don't feel like getting "better". For me, the ideal life would be no life at all. I know my family loves me and I love them too but I've just been through enough and don't want to continue any further. I have ambitions and things that I'd like to do if I were to continue living, but the will to die outweighs everything else. Everything negative outweighs the positive. I've been through some pretty bad stuff and some pretty good stuff but it's always the bad that outweighs the good.
I started feeling suicidal soon after I moved to a different country to live with my mother, around the time I was becoming a teenager. I had to learn a new language and go to new schools and the sorts. While living with my mother we would have to clean the house and do tasks regularly. I protested this because I thought it was a bit harsh to have us clean the whole apartment every 2 weeks. So during these regular cleans of the apartment I would initially start helping out and then I'd fool around or procrastinate a little. My mother would get mad real quick after I started procrastinating and fooling around so she thought that it would be a good idea to scream at me for it. And because living beings like to associate negative or positive consequences with their accompanying events, my hate for doing chores would grow and grow. At times I'd just procrastinate doing chores until my mother screamed at me and took away my computer/TV privileges. Sometimes I'd just get so fed up of chores or having my mother scream at me that I'd just stop doing them and go to bed early. She'd scream at me so loud that our neighbors 2 floors up could hear her screaming. She'd rant on and on to my father living in another country how my behavior is unacceptable and how she's so fed up of me. One night after a day of chores and procrastinating my mother told me that she wouldn't care if I jumped off a bridge. I was probably 12-13 at that time. It hit me real hard and I just sobbed quietly all night. After that I was pretty much just wanting to end my life all the time. I'd fantasize about using my mother's credit card to buy myself a plane ticket to San Francisco just so I could jump off the golden gate bridge.
That went on for a few years until my father had the opportunity to move to Canada for a job. I really wanted to go with him just so I wouldn't have to live with my mother any longer. When I finally mustered the courage to imply to my mom that I wanted to go to Canada with my father she pretty much flipped out at me. She went on and on about how my grades were shit and I wouldn't graduate. I had to end up begging my father to take me to Canada with him. Somehow he convinced my mother to let me go with him.
Living apart from my mother felt way better but I still had that eternal wish to just end it. One summer when my mother and sibling came to visit me and my father she wanted to go out of our way on a walk to see some open houses. I protested this because I didn't want to do the same. My mother screamed at me, calling me a narcissist just for protesting something she wanted to do. She went on to call me a narcissist and self centered not only to me but she also preached it to my father. To this day I don't understand why she did it nor do I understand why my father didn't do anything to stop her. I once asked him about it and he claimed to not have known what narcissist meant (I call bullshit). Either way that incident any many others takes up a lot of space in my thinking and I don't see how I can ever forget it or properly put it under the bridge.
I know arguments with parents aren't a rare occurrence but idk why but this just feels over-the-top to me.
Anyway, I have my plan to CTB ready. Just have to wait for an appropriate day when I'm not working and head into the city to end it all.
I have some windshield washing fluid to ingest. I read about the symptoms of the poisoning from its alcohol so I hope that I take enough that it's done right and that I take enough of it.
If anyone has any information about this method of suicide, I'd greatly appreciate it. All I know is that it's toxic in large enough quantities. I don't know the alcohol-water concentration of the WW fluid I bought but I can only hope it's enough I guess.
Well I'll be gone within the month I hope.
I started feeling suicidal soon after I moved to a different country to live with my mother, around the time I was becoming a teenager. I had to learn a new language and go to new schools and the sorts. While living with my mother we would have to clean the house and do tasks regularly. I protested this because I thought it was a bit harsh to have us clean the whole apartment every 2 weeks. So during these regular cleans of the apartment I would initially start helping out and then I'd fool around or procrastinate a little. My mother would get mad real quick after I started procrastinating and fooling around so she thought that it would be a good idea to scream at me for it. And because living beings like to associate negative or positive consequences with their accompanying events, my hate for doing chores would grow and grow. At times I'd just procrastinate doing chores until my mother screamed at me and took away my computer/TV privileges. Sometimes I'd just get so fed up of chores or having my mother scream at me that I'd just stop doing them and go to bed early. She'd scream at me so loud that our neighbors 2 floors up could hear her screaming. She'd rant on and on to my father living in another country how my behavior is unacceptable and how she's so fed up of me. One night after a day of chores and procrastinating my mother told me that she wouldn't care if I jumped off a bridge. I was probably 12-13 at that time. It hit me real hard and I just sobbed quietly all night. After that I was pretty much just wanting to end my life all the time. I'd fantasize about using my mother's credit card to buy myself a plane ticket to San Francisco just so I could jump off the golden gate bridge.
That went on for a few years until my father had the opportunity to move to Canada for a job. I really wanted to go with him just so I wouldn't have to live with my mother any longer. When I finally mustered the courage to imply to my mom that I wanted to go to Canada with my father she pretty much flipped out at me. She went on and on about how my grades were shit and I wouldn't graduate. I had to end up begging my father to take me to Canada with him. Somehow he convinced my mother to let me go with him.
Living apart from my mother felt way better but I still had that eternal wish to just end it. One summer when my mother and sibling came to visit me and my father she wanted to go out of our way on a walk to see some open houses. I protested this because I didn't want to do the same. My mother screamed at me, calling me a narcissist just for protesting something she wanted to do. She went on to call me a narcissist and self centered not only to me but she also preached it to my father. To this day I don't understand why she did it nor do I understand why my father didn't do anything to stop her. I once asked him about it and he claimed to not have known what narcissist meant (I call bullshit). Either way that incident any many others takes up a lot of space in my thinking and I don't see how I can ever forget it or properly put it under the bridge.
I know arguments with parents aren't a rare occurrence but idk why but this just feels over-the-top to me.
Anyway, I have my plan to CTB ready. Just have to wait for an appropriate day when I'm not working and head into the city to end it all.
I have some windshield washing fluid to ingest. I read about the symptoms of the poisoning from its alcohol so I hope that I take enough that it's done right and that I take enough of it.
If anyone has any information about this method of suicide, I'd greatly appreciate it. All I know is that it's toxic in large enough quantities. I don't know the alcohol-water concentration of the WW fluid I bought but I can only hope it's enough I guess.
Well I'll be gone within the month I hope.
