Ending it all when you have very close family members that love you

[painstricken]

My 16 year old brother and best friend took his life a couple of weeks ago and it has absolutely destroyed me. I didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. We were incredibly close and I would tell him all the time how much I love him and need him. We also have loving parents that would do anything for us, and he also had several close friends that really cared about him. He knew that taking his life would inflict unimaginable pain upon all of us, yet he chose to do it anyway. I feel betrayed and abandoned, and I still can't figure out how he could do something like this to me. I was never suicidal before this happened but now there's not a day that goes by where I don't want to end the pain, but my mind immediately jumps to my girlfriend, parents, and friends and how I can't cause them all the pain my brother caused me. I don't understand how his mind wouldn't jump to the same place as soon as he seriously started considering it.

So here's my question to those of you with very close family or friends that you know love you more than anything: How can you seriously consider leaving them and inflicting a life-changing amount of everlasting pain? He lied right to my face and promised me he would never do this, and I still can't believe he actually did. I really want to understand what was going on in his mind that made him think this was okay, so what do you guys tell yourself as to why this is an okay decision to make despite having loved ones that rely on you? Do you have any insight as to how he could do this? Thank you in advance, I'm desperate to understand.

 

[CaptainT]

I'm going through this with my mother. I can see that my condition and suffering is dragging her down daily too. When you're the one in the deep dark black hole you feel ashamed that you're a burden to others. I know it will cause her pain when I'm gone but in a way it will be less pain than seeing me slide further into mental illness and collapse. It's like wanting to take back control of things for you and others around you by not letting it get worse. People call it "selfish" but if you read the posts here on SS you'll see that it's the hardest most monumental and existential thing you could ever do.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother and his friend. I'm wishing you love and light whatever is down the road.

 

[lymbo]

what u thynk pushed your brother to wantyng to dle?

 

[Kvotheloner]

I'm in the same situation, my sister actually tried checking on me about a week ago and I had to tell her I was ok.
I feel like a prisoner of my own mind. I have severe depression that has lead me to not being able to function as a human. It's hard to express in words but there is nothing my family can do to help me. Honestly what would feel the best is if I could be honest with them and they could accept that I dont want to be here, but that's sadly not reality.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Ultimately, suicide is a personal choice made out of desperation and hopelessness. Your brother was suffering, and wanted to end it all by terminating his own life. I think he had a predicament that nobody else knew. Ultimately, you could argue that suicide is selfish - you are only factoring in your own suffering, without much (if any) regard of how others would suffer following your demise. So you elect to terminate yourself, and as such, you no longer have to feel any pain, whether it's physical or mental.

As for me, I am definitely a burden to my parents. They've wasted a lot of resources and time on a good-for-nothing like me. I hope they put all their resources into raising my sister (who is 4 years younger than me) so that she would grow up to become an upstanding woman. So far, she's been nailing this life thing way better than me - she is going to start her first university semester early next year. And then there's me, who's been enrolled in university for 1.5 years, and I didn't even manage to get past even ONE full semester at 22 years of age.

Oh, and coupled with being ousted from the VA circle, I don't even have a place to find solace in online, like I used to. SS is a clear exception, of course. I have no motivation to keep going forward, and I wish I wasn't so fucking useless and stupid. My parents are better off without me. My sister is going to be fine, and she'll thrive in life, unlike me.

 

[trynacbt]

My mother took her life three months ago. I never blamed her for it or felt angry, because I had been suicidal before then and I understood her. I very much believe my mother was not thinking about her loved ones in the moments of her decision. There was no space to. She wasn't even thinking about herself, not really. All she could think about was her pain, and how to escape it.

Your brother was desperate. He lied to you because he knew that you would stop him, and the thought of having to live another day was unbearable.

I know this because I too have lied to the person I love the most. And I left him, even though I wish I could spend the rest of my life with him; even though he was going to propose within a year's time. Because my own emotional anguish, my unremitting lack of self-love, is bigger than anything I can ever hope to imagine.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I've been discussing this with my mom. I think she finally knows that I'll eventually end up doing it. I'm in misery everyday. I told her I can't live in a mind that attacked me everyday. I'm well aware of her deep love for me and I told her how much I love her too. She was my savior and best friend but ultimately, I have to take control of my life. I can't live in a head that tortures mr everyday. It was her that kept me alive got 14 years and as much as I wish she could still be my reason. She's not anymore

 

[Tiedie]

No one in my life expects a thing. It will come as a painful shock. It used to bother me. I honestly don't know how I overcame that obstacle. I just feel like putting my needs first.

 

[Littleone]

@painstricken you don't know how much I feel the same pain. My father took his life one month ago after losing my mother. They were my light. We were so close and lovIng to each other that I cannot undersrand how he could do this to me.
I guess your brother and my father understimated the consequences of their decission. They probably thought that we would suffer, but they felt so bad that they didn't considered themselves useful for us being alive anyway.
I have lernt that there is a part of ourselves that we don't share with anyone, no matters how close you are or how much you love them.
I wish my father had let me know his reasons, but I guess he didn't want me to try change his mind. We have to respect this private part of them, though it hurts so bad.
Hugs.

 

[Darkhaven]

Easy for me. I'm pretty cold hearted and ruthless.
And to top it of my family actually deserves it.
Their failure at raising me up played a significant role in me being in this situation. Specially my mother. I have no brothers.

 

[painstricken]

what u thynk pushed your brother to wantyng to dle?

He had a stomach condition that caused him to feel like he had the flu all the time. Intense pain and nausea that the doctors had yet to find a cure for, though he had another diagnostic test scheduled for 3 days after he did it that would have determined if it was indeed permanent like he thought. In addition he got very into nihilism, bad faith, and anti-natalism; He thought the asymmetry between pain and pleasure made life inherently bad and not worth living. However on the outside he was one of the happiest, goofiest kids you'd ever meet. No one thought for a second that he would actually do this, and he would tell me that his favorite philosophers were still alive because suicide "isn't legitimate", since once you're dead none of the pain mattered anyway. I guess he didn't really believe that, and he must have been in more pain than I knew. I still find it hard to believe that it could be anywhere near this painful, which is why I wish he stuck around and asked for my help so I could have done something.

 

[Essence]

It's a really really long bridge to gap between those that consider ctb, and those that simply never have, or maybe fleeting thoughts, and that's all. To those that have not had to endure utter torment and utter hopelessness to the point that the only way for them to receive peace is to exit, it is impossible to explain. I am not sure it's possible in any way to truly convey what it's like. I am so very sorry for the pain you and your family are in. I have not lost anyone to ctb before, I can not possibly know, or pretend to know, what this is like for you. Love and light.

 

[GreyMonkey]

When the pain becomes stronger than the thoughts of the repercussions.

This is how one does it.

Its a tipping point. Enough pain for long enough, and the hopelessness that comes with it.

It is very unfortunate though for a 16 year old to get there.

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[painstricken]

@painstricken you don't know how much I feel the same pain. My father took his life one month ago after losing my mother. They were my light. We were so close and lovIng to each other that I cannot undersrand how he could do this to me.
I guess your brother and my father understimated the consequences of their decission. They probably thought that we would suffer, but they felt so bad that they didn't considered themselves useful for us being alive anyway.
I have lernt that there is a part of ourselves that we don't share with anyone, no matters how close you are or how much you love them.
I wish my father had let me know his reasons, but I guess he didn't want me to try change his mind. We have to respect this private part of them, though it hurts so bad.
Hugs.

I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how hard losing both your parents in such close succession must be. Your father and my brother must have thought we would be okay after a little while, and they would be pain free, so it's worth it. They must have really underestimated their role in our lives. I wish they could know how wrong they are.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I dont have close loved ones in this way. But my suicide will hurt a couple people, one who is in a very vulnerable place themselves.

As you probably feel now, some pain is unimaginable. The desperation to have relief is all consuming. You are screaming in your head all day; "How!, how can i end this pain" but there is no relief. Nothing lasting. Its a black hole and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually the hole has swallowed you, and everything you are. Your hopes fade away, your goals and dreams. Soon the things you love turn grey and no longer give you any feeling. You keep going because you know how much you will hurt your friends and family, but no matter what you do it just gets worse and worse until even their suffering doesnt stop you.

And the problem is, he probably asked for help. But the system shuts you down hard. You cant talk about these things for fear of retribution. The system is meant to keep you alive, not help you. Mental illness is not a simple fix, or an easy one. You might feel suicidal right now, but you can stop yourself because of what it will do to others. Eventually you will be able to move forward, one step at a time. That pain will never fade, but it wont swallow you whole. Right now you might know exactly how he felt in his last moments. That desperate desire to talk to his family, friends. That fear of not knowing if he will ever feel happy again. Imagine this pain 24/7 for as many years as he was alive. You want out after a few weeks of this pain? I hope you can feel your grief, but also have a small bit of happiness. For he no longer feels his.

 

[painstricken]

When the pain becomes stronger than the thoughts of the repercussions.

This is how one does it.

Its a tipping point. Enough pain for long enough, and the hopelessness that comes with it.

It is very unfortunate though for a 16 year old to get there.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you. So do you think he wasn't even thinking of me, or he was but assumed that I would just be okay?

 

[RecycledAtoms]

My 16 year old brother and best friend took his life a couple of weeks ago and it has absolutely destroyed me. I didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. We were incredibly close and I would tell him all the time how much I love him and need him. We also have loving parents that would do anything for us, and he also had several close friends that really cared about him. He knew that taking his life would inflict unimaginable pain upon all of us, yet he chose to do it anyway. I feel betrayed and abandoned, and I still can't figure out how he could do something like this to me. I was never suicidal before this happened but now there's not a day that goes by where I don't want to end the pain, but my mind immediately jumps to my girlfriend, parents, and friends and how I can't cause them all the pain my brother caused me. I don't understand how his mind wouldn't jump to the same place as soon as he seriously started considering it.

So here's my question to those of you with very close family or friends that you know love you more than anything: How can you seriously consider leaving them and inflicting a life-changing amount of everlasting pain? He lied right to my face and promised me he would never do this, and I still can't believe he actually did. I really want to understand what was going on in his mind that made him think this was okay, so what do you guys tell yourself as to why this is an okay decision to make despite having loved ones that rely on you? Do you have any insight as to how he could do this? Thank you in advance, I'm desperate to understand.

Easy. When the hurting becomes stronger than your understanding of how much you're loved. It's a dark tunnel.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

So here's my question to those of you with very close family or friends that you know love you more than anything: How can you seriously consider leaving them and inflicting a life-changing amount of everlasting pain? He lied right to my face and promised me he would never do this

The reason I am still alive is because I don´t want to ruin my parents life so I am thinking about that every single day I am essentially held hostage by my emotions I have many physical and mental problems yet I am forced to stay alive so I won´t ruin their life it´s not fair.

And for the part about him lying to you there is a very good reason for that because every one is pro-life and suicidal people can´t talk to anyone about suicide if he would open up to your or your parents it would be extremely biased from your side because you only have one goal in that conversation which is to make him stay alive no matter how good arguments he have for wanting having to end his life and if he talk to a psychologist and says he is actively trying to kill himself he will be "involuntary committed" so there really is no way suicidal people can tell anyone about it without either getting punished or being faced with extreme bias about how they have to live; and no one have to live no one asked to be born so everyone have the right to die.

I would LOVE to be able to talk with people about being suicidal but I can´t so instead I can only vent in my diary or in vlogs which I will be doing in a moment; go for a night walk talking in my phone to get it off my chest because if I tell anyone in real life I will be faced with what I just told you above.

 

[Fragile]

I simply can't accept my life, i can't go on with this suffering.

some time ago i decided to give life one last year to get away from my family and hope for a miracle, i'ts getting harder and harder and i don't think that i'll make it, not even close.

my mother and brothers will suffer tremendously, it will be living hell for them and this will probably make their already shtty existances even worse for years, but i just can't take this pain and i'm not willing to suffer and be a burden to them for many more years, they already know that my mental illnesses are basically untreatable and my genetic disease is getting worse by the day, yet they want to keep me alive even with all my disabilities, all because they don't want to suffer from my passing. in a way i'll release them from this even if it hurts them for some years, it will be less painful in the long run.

this may seem selfish, but i didn't choose to live in so much pain and with no hope to ever recover or live a semi normal life, the only thing that i can choose is to put an end to it all. besides, people wanting me to live through this only for them not su suffer is equali as selfish in my opinion.


i'm sorry about your brother, but when you have such a strong need to end your pain, there is just no easy way and people will suffer from it. if it makes you feel any better, at least he is no longer suffering from such pain that made him take his own life.

 

[RecycledAtoms]

When the pain becomes stronger than the thoughts of the repercussions.

This is how one does it.

Its a tipping point. Enough pain for long enough, and the hopelessness that comes with it.

It is very unfortunate though for a 16 year old to get there.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Wow! I swear I did not see your comment when I wrote mine. Strange how similar that first sentence was to mine.

 

[Final Escape]

My 16 year old brother and best friend took his life a couple of weeks ago and it has absolutely destroyed me. I didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. We were incredibly close and I would tell him all the time how much I love him and need him. We also have loving parents that would do anything for us, and he also had several close friends that really cared about him. He knew that taking his life would inflict unimaginable pain upon all of us, yet he chose to do it anyway. I feel betrayed and abandoned, and I still can't figure out how he could do something like this to me. I was never suicidal before this happened but now there's not a day that goes by where I don't want to end the pain, but my mind immediately jumps to my girlfriend, parents, and friends and how I can't cause them all the pain my brother caused me. I don't understand how his mind wouldn't jump to the same place as soon as he seriously started considering it.

So here's my question to those of you with very close family or friends that you know love you more than anything: How can you seriously consider leaving them and inflicting a life-changing amount of everlasting pain? He lied right to my face and promised me he would never do this, and I still can't believe he actually did. I really want to understand what was going on in his mind that made him think this was okay, so what do you guys tell yourself as to why this is an okay decision to make despite having loved ones that rely on you? Do you have any insight as to how he could do this? Thank you in advance, I'm desperate to understand.

I would look for answers as to what might have been going on in his relationships with the people in his life, if he had any substance abuse, if he was worried about his future. The situation had to be serious enough to push him over the edge. It is not always a rational act. Something was overwhelming enough that he felt completely hopeless. Maybe something was going on that he never told anybody about. Had he attempted before? Oh ok sorry I read more about your bro and it makes more sense now why he suicided. Nihilism, and the stomach condition probably didn't help. He had no hope, and nothing gave him meaning.

 

[hopelessandbroken]

im sorry to hear that. sometimes theres nothing to do anymore. even if u have alot of people around u that love u and u r close with its not always enough and u cant save everyone. i know my death would hurt many but i also know that they will be okay after all. i think they r better off without me.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Thank you. So do you think he wasn't even thinking of me, or he was but assumed that I would just be okay?

I imagine that he was aware of the pain it would cause and likely something he had to really grapple with... And then decide that the pain of contininuing and how it would relieve others was less value than escaping the pain.

A sad analogy to describe this (and the main reason I'm here) is... would you stay in a relationship with someone that you didn't truly want to be with just so they would be ok? Would you expect anyone else to do the same?

Death is a more extreme version of ending a relationship yet when one is in extreme torment feeling like there is no way out, expecting that they stay for the sake of others not having to feel the pain of that loss is sort of a way to think about it.

I'm not saying though that the pain had to be endless or that there wasn't a solution or that it was premature. More so just the kind of thinking that occurs for the one in distress.

 

[Hotsackage]

Id pretty much take my whole family if i successfully cbted. They r the reason im still here. But i wanna say fuck you to my brain, so it might be sooner then later

 

[Detour]

I'm worried about this too, my mom became very depressed a couple years ago and even told me she didn't want to live anymore during that time. She has became better since, but I'm worried about what will happen after I ctb. What if it causes her to do it also, my dad and I are extremely close and he's a very generous person. He always found a way to deal with stress and put that aside for us. He never gets angry, It's amazing, sometimes I wonder how he does it. But I just can't keep doing this, and I wonder everyday if my mom is strong enough to keep going after the fact.

 

[painstricken]

I imagine that he was aware of the pain it would cause and likely something he had to really grapple with... And then decide that the pain of contininuing and how it would relieve others was less value than escaping the pain.

You're probably right, he must have thought about it and brushed it off thinking that we would be able to get over it and move on, whereas he saw his suffering as permanent with only one way out.

 

[lymbo]

You're probably right, he must have thought about it and brushed it off thinking that we would be able to get over it and move on, whereas he saw his suffering as permanent with only one way out.

dyd your brother at least chose a peaceful method , dyd he leave a note?

 

[painstricken]

I simply can't accept my life, i can't go on with this suffering.

some time ago i decided to give life one last year to get away from my family and hope for a miracle, i'ts getting harder and harder and i don't think that i'll make it, not even close.

my mother and brothers will suffer tremendously, it will be living hell for them and this will probably make their already shtty existances even worse for years, but i just can't take this pain and i'm not willing to suffer and be a burden to them for many more years, they already know that my mental illnesses are basically untreatable and my genetic disease is getting worse by the day, yet they want to keep me alive even with all my disabilities, all because they don't want to suffer from my passing. in a way i'll release them from this even if it hurts them for some years, it will be less painful in the long run.

this may seem selfish, but i didn't choose to live in so much pain and with no hope to ever recover or live a semi normal life, the only thing that i can choose is to put an end to it all. besides, people wanting me to live through this only for them not su suffer is equali as selfish in my opinion.


i'm sorry about your brother, but when you have such a strong need to end your pain, there is just no easy way and people will suffer from it. if it makes you feel any better, at least he is no longer suffering from such pain that made him take his own life.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much suffering. Like you he must have felt like he couldn't take the pain anymore, and our suffering was a necessary consequence for his eternal peace. At least he's in a better place now.

 

[GreyMonkey]

You're probably right, he must have thought about it and brushed it off thinking that we would be able to get over it and move on, whereas he saw his suffering as permanent with only one way out.

I doubt he just brushed it off. I imagine it was probably just another source of pain in an already tormented soul.

Who knows though what he thought. I hear though that you want to find some way to ease your own pain here, some way of making sense of it all. And I cannot even imagine what it is like for you. The way you must be missing him, wondering why and wishing there was more you could have done.

I hear you wanting to make sense of his thoughts, I imagine some anger there as if he didn't think enough about the impact it would have on you.

And I don't know what to say here other than maybe pray for him to be in a better place and free from the pain.

 

[painstricken]

dyd your brother at least chose a peaceful method , dyd he leave a note?

He chose SN and seemed to have a very peaceful escape. He was very smart and always researched everything to the point where he knew everything about it, and because of this he nailed the routine. No vomit, no struggling, just laying peacefully in his bed with his favorite music playing as he drifted off. It gives me comfort to know that his final moments were as peaceful as can be.