end is near?

[fishygirl]

for a couple of months now, ive been fantasizing of going to my home state and killing myself there. its only been about two years since ive moved, but im terribly home sick and theres nowhere i would love to die more than the place i grew up in. for a little while it seemed it wouldnt be possible due to my family's financial situation and my mom's restrictions on where i go and how i spend my own money, but i managed to convince her and now, ive got the tickets. im going there in december and staying for a month, by myself, at a family friend's place. no restrictions, no one to control or monitor me physically, a month of preparation and another month to carry everything out. its the perfect opportunity to kill myself.

i still dont have a decided method yet. id love to go for something peaceful, painless, and gradual- like CO or SN or a proper overdose, but whats needed for those arent easily accessible or very affordable at all. im thinking my best bet is partial hanging or the night night method, since rope/ratchet straps are things i can buy or order when im there. i know a nice little park spot thats almost always empty and full of trees that i can tie the rope off on.

i cant say for sure if ill be able to go through with it or not, SI is a bitch after all. and now that the time is here, so close, i wonder if ill regret dying this early. theres art i want to make, stories i want to tell... but what will those matter in the end anyway? it seems stupid. me and my projects are insignificant in the end. but im human after all, i still have wants and desires.

i wish now that there could be something that could hold me back, anything at all that would make me think "i want to live for this, just a little longer." i know nothing like that will came to me though.

im not sure what the point of this post is, mostly rambling i guess. however, if anyone has ideas for ways i can ctb in another state (think: limited budget, cant bring certain things with me on a plane, so they have to be easily purchaseable, etc.) please tell!

 

[paroxysm]

i feel the same way. i would rather die in the place i was born than anywhere else. easy and affordable CTB is very limited. i tried OD on off the counter pills, cutting with razor blades and food poisoning with home cleaning products it doesn't work and just made me feel sick. i say really think about what you are going to do and if it fails what will you do then? i wish you the best of luck and peace

 

[fishygirl]

i feel the same way. i would rather die in the place i was born than anywhere else. easy and affordable CTB is very limited. i tried OD on off the counter pills, cutting with razor blades and food poisoning with home cleaning products it doesn't work and just made me feel sick. i say really think about what you are going to do and if it fails what will you do then? i wish you the best of luck and peace

thanks. if i fail ive got a ticket back home- and honestly at that point i dont know what ill do, either try to live a little longer or fuck it all and just open up a credit card and buy the things i need for the CO method and die at some random motel. i could even get a gun as backup since its so stupidly easy to purchase firearms here- only its expensive, which is why id need a credit card. (im poor lol)

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with what you decide, I find it so dreadful how it's not more straightforward to have the option to die on our own terms.

 

[fishygirl]

I wish you the best with what you decide, I find it so dreadful how it's not more straightforward to have the option to die on our own terms.

thank you, i appreciate it. and agreed.

 

[Raindancer]

I've also thought the perfect place would be where I have my happiest memorie, back home. Maybe in the time before you leave it can give you some clarity on both decision and method. If this isn't your time, I hope that that something you are waiting for to hold you back makes itself known. There is always time to make sure, and I wish you peace.