Emma99 Megatrend

[emma99]

Okay so i have decided to start my own mega-thread outlining my knowledge and experience of past suicide attempts along with my current plan, method and setup.

I will update this thread as i go over the coming time period until such a time as I CTB.

My very first serious attempt of suicide was putting two cable ties around my next and pulling on them. It was a disaster, i ended up running over to a neighbours house who had to call an ambulance and snip them off to save my life. I was red in the face and conscious for a good number of minutes before the things were cut off my neck.

I would never ever recommend cable ties to anyone.

For my suicide i intend to use nitrogen gas. And as my reasons for suicide are more of a situational demise. I will also be outlining in detail the failures which have put me in this predicament. From having previously discovered a corpse and witnessing the police and paramedics take down a hanging. I am confident in their professionalism of respecting the dead.

As such I want to make sure that it is the police and paramedics that discover my body and no one else. One way to do this, is to lay unnoticed and allow the smell of your corpse to lead to the discovery of your death. So in order to aid that. I will be barricading myself into a room so much so, that the only way anyone will get in is by calling the fire department. In order to do this. I will be using large household items such as fridge, washing Machine, Bed ect to block access to my discovery.

 

[Arahant]

If you would like to talk, I would like to listen.
Not to talk you out of or into suicide, just to listen so you can find clarity and peace, no matter what you choose.
Having tried and failed three times, that is what I think I lacked most.

By all means tell us what you need, if we may care for you in any way.

 

[emma99]

My setup involves the use of two "l tanks of nitrogen, connected to two separate Argon Regulators, Using a T Junction, I have connected these two hoses to basically form one hose.

My tests so far have included a timed depletion of two separate tanks in order to assess the Flow as the information on using argon regulators on Nitrogen isn't all that clear.

I have settled on the idea of running each regulator at 7LPM, which equates to 14LPM. and my most recent test was timing a 50L bin bag. which given that i was clinching the neck of the bag, the volume could of been reduced to 45/40 Liuters, although i cant be certain..

It took 2 mins to fill this bag

I have also tasted the nitrogen in order to familiarise myself with the gas.
and after filling the bin bag, i ripped a hole and just started breathing from the bag. The head goes very dizzy very fast. Took around a minute to recover and had very slight chest pain

Using swimming nasal clips. I plan do do a few breath hold tests with gas running through the bag in order to familiarise myself with the environment of the bag.

I plan on wearing a hat to keep it away from my face, and may also use a paper filter mask. but i will test to see which is necessary.

 

[Arahant]

How did you choose this method over others?

What timeline are we looking at here?

 

[emma99]

How did you choose this method over others?

What timeline are we looking at here?

I don't want you or anyone else to think i am going to ignore questions.
Somethings i may answer as they arise. others i may answer just before i CTB, and others i may not feel comfortable answering.

They say comfort is everything.
So for my Exit bag, Iv just taped the hose inside the bag.
and I'm going to use a neck pillow.



I may add strings to the bag as well to be tied off on the day
But tie testing strings is too dangerous for any test runs.

Can confirm that the feeling of nitrogen coming out of the bag is so nice.
Its similar to the feeling of cold air you get from opening a fridge

 

[Arahant]

Somethings i may answer as they arise. others i may answer just before i CTB, and others i may not feel comfortable answering.

That is understandable. Whatever works for you is whatever I want to support you in.

I can't help but feel a bit sad you are on your way out.
You seem like a good person in general who simply was treated wrong by people and life.
Suppose you have your reasons, and I ought not to ask. I know how irritating it can be when people try to get you hopeful with false positivity.
Just know that we care, and you are always welcome to switch to talking recovery or feeling a bit better if you want.

 

[emma99]

That is understandable. Whatever works for you is whatever I want to support you in.

I can't help but feel a bit sad you are on your way out.
You seem like a good person in general who simply was treated wrong by people and life.
Suppose you have your reasons, and I ought not to ask. I know how irritating it can be when people try to get you hopeful with false positivity.
Just know that we care, and you are always welcome to switch to talking recovery or feeling a bit better if you want.

Thank you for your kind words.

And I mean that. because this site has really helped me process my decision and has subsequently allowed me to experience a lot of healing, that otherwise would not of been possible.

I mean people accept you here. Where the fuck else can you go and tell someone your going to kill yourself without them trying to force their opinion ('subjective views') on you. There is nowhere else. and without this website (or the books) i would of just hung myself. Yet the media tries to portray this site as pro suicide. I don't see any pro suicide ideas on the forums.

At this stage I'm beginning to realise that recovery is simply not an option for me.
Have you seen the Yale videos on Youtube about the rationality of suicide?
In it the lecturer goes through various circumstances which rationally warrant suicide.
and the one with the curve hitting a sharp decline of a unknown duration is the situation i am.

And although the lecturer would argue that because i don't know the duration of how long i will spend under the threshold, that therefor i am being unrational. I have my own reasons to know that i'm not going to be able to tolerate the prolonged drop and that ~I'm also fully aware that i am going to be submerged under the threshold for an extended period of time

So if i don't do it now. i will have missed my window of opportunity. and simply put I know in my heart i am will not be able to survive the Shit Storm on the horizon which is heading my way.

What a movie:


and what a tune (becasue im on fire with my bad desire)

 

[Arahant]

At this stage Im beginning to realise that recovery is simply not an option for me.

I know how this feels, I felt the same when I came out from psychiatry.
I know you have tried everything you know of to be at this point - but that is just what you know of personally.
May I offer you a second opinion on what recovery can look like?
Am no professional, but I know many effective but rarely heard of modalities (most which are zero cost).
All I need is a general description (like anxiety, trauma, depression, life situation).
You are anonymous here and no one will know. You can also DM me if you rather.

(I like that tune you linked and will look for yale video now).

May everyone have access to healing.

 

[emma99]

I know how this feels, I felt the same when I came out from psychiatry.
I know you have tried everything you know of to be at this point - but that is just what you know of personally.
May I offer you a second opinion on what recovery can look like?
Am no professional, but I know many effective but rarely heard of modalities (most which are zero cost).
All I need is a general description (like anxiety, trauma, depression, life situation).
You are anonymous here and no one will know. You can also DM me if you rather.

(I like that tune you linked and will look for yale video now).

May everyone have access to healing.

Okay, i'll put it to you this way as i think you have the wrong idea of my reasons.

If you told a mouse you were going to put them into a snake pit and the mouse asked you not to, but you refused to listen. Would you agree or disagree with the mouse committing suicide?

 

[Arahant]

They are going to throw you back into psychiatry against your will, aren't they...?
Either way, I will let go of ideas for recovery if you don't resonate with that.

Wish you the best in finding peace and freedom either way.

 

[emma99]

 

[emma99]

n a tribe where valiant warriors did create
Dwelled a household where troubles did depict,
For the father, whose passion did oft relate
To his poor wife, did oft raise his hand to strike.

Four children this family did produce,
The eldest son, who could master his wrath,
The second-born, a daughter, whom all did fear,
And the third-born son, given to fury and wrath.

The youngest, a gentle girl, was the object of care,
By her two elder siblings, who sought to protect,
From the bullying of the boy who was unaware,
That his father's cruelty was his own neglect.

The mother, desperate to flee her abuser,
Sent away the father's favourite child,
To a faction that was hostile and abusive,
Hoping the father would come to his just reward.

But the mother's desire had not been fulfilled,
And so she beat the younger son,
She made him timid, cowardly, and frail,
To the extent that he caught the boat.

 

[emma99]

I'm thinking of CTB today.



I woke early and smoked some weed and took some Lyrica, and i passed out for about an hour.
Before i did, i remember my breathing slowing down and just wishing i wouldn't wake up.

I also thought about taking a bath, but realised that if i did that in the middle of the day, someone may hear me splashing around, the post man might show up, ect. so i want to wait for the nighttime.

And Although my plan is the nitrogen exit bag. I really like the idea of drowning in the bath.
I could maybe position myself in such a way that if i was to pass out, i could slip under the water. idk but Id defiantly take a big cocktail of drugs.

I was thinking last night of CTB with my nitrogen exit bag.and it was weird as there wasn't any SI ,
but then today the SI kicked in. So for today i'm just trying to appear normal. I had thought about doing something nice for myself, but then i realised i don't want to raise suspicions, so im just trying to keep a low profile now. and maybe mentally prepare myself for tonight.

The first time i ever tried to drown myself i was 19, and just walked into the ocean wearing my cloths. the water reached my knees and i ran out. but at the time i was severly depresssed and iall i could do was cry and listen to johnny cah. I really left home a broken person. and the last 14 years have been one hell of a battle.

 

[emma99]

I just want to say to people.

if you are under 30 i truly believe that you have a chance to recover and heal.

When i was 24,i was recused from a sea drowning attempt after throwing myself off a boat.
When i was rescued i was very close to hypothermia, afterwards i was pumped full of meds, and all i wanted to do was hang myself. but i was on so much medication that i wasn't able to comprehend simple tasks such as tying my shoe laces. But at the same time, i was free from addiction, and life became bearable. then over time life became beautiful. Life does not have to be dark.

And so people may wonder what my reason is for wanting to CTB. and so here goes.
I have had lots of really good healing, so much so that i was able to discover my strengths, and it was amazing, as i was able to start making goals. Some people may wonder what is the meaning or point of life. and its actually very simple its about setting goals, and achieving that feeling of accomplishment.

And i have reached that point in my life. but the sad thing is that, even though its taken me so long to get to this point, i'm now being evicted into homelessness. and that is the snake pit i was referring to. so how in gods name am i going to be able to focus my mind to go after my goals, in that environment. I'm simply not., homeless sucks.its king of the Jungle shit and you get preyed upon by other homeless people.

And i'm not being melodramatic, its rough. men raping men, people getting violently assaulted that they end up with life changing injuries. Its a dark world. and why would anyone willing allow themselves to be exposed to such an environment?

 

[emma99]

there must be some kind of way outta here.



Fucking tune.

 

[Morte]

if you reached 25 with absolutely no achievements, it's over

 

[emma99]

if you reached 25 with absolutely no achievements, it's over

maybe so, I just think young ppl (teens) who are suicidal need to give it more time

I mean take the dating game. Everyone says it, that its a disaster in your 30;'s
so if you cant integrate before then. then good luck. because as ppl get older, every connection relates to child hood experiences. - The movies, The video games, the culture of your youth. and if that experience is stripped of you by abuse then connection becomes a problem. Its who you know, not what you knoiw. So you have to be able to know how to connect with people.

The thing about life is t that if you cant connect with other ppl, then your fucked. its as simple as that. And personally i had budding confidence until my own mother took it from me to spite my farther she absolutely destroyed my confidence. I was physically sick the whole time until i left home. at age 21 a psychiatrist said i had the mental age of a 16 yr old - Thats what abuse does


Oh God. Someont outside my apartment just shouted "I killed myself" Jesus Christ. Geting the shievers, its like the grim reaper knows im coming.

View attachment Grim_Reaper_PNG_Vector_Clipart-1814640474.png


I just don't know what my mother had to be such a cunt when i was a child,. I grew up with wealthy grandparents. i mean my grandfather is a literal millionaire, My uncle runs a private investment fund for millionaires. And Iv never once asked for anything from them. Yet because i was damaged goods, my farther family took it as shame to their success. and after getting away from my mothers abuse. i found myself subjected to a different form of abuse by my farther and his family.

it wasn't as neglectful as my mother, it was more like financial exploitation and physical slavery, being put to work to earn other family members money, whist they had me living in horrible conditions. I mean what farther does that to his son.

I needed protection, I needed help and healing, and he just inflicted further pain and suffering onto me. I often thought that his abuse was worse than m,y mothers,. because he knew had she had treated me. I tried to reach out to him, i even left him a note at age 20, which is sad to say that i had such low confidence at that age, and he got very angry, because his girlfriend found it and felt like i was trying to push her out of the picture.

Thats not what i was doing. i needed a parent, i needed someone to guide me and help me and i was just exploited by the son of a fucking millionaire. They even know i facing homelessness, and instead of offering help, they just criticise me for being such a failure.

And am i stupid for thinking that i have cousins who had private education their whole life, i'm talking an investment that would be equal to the cost of an apartment. so given that i never availed of that investment, would i be stupid for thinking, "hey you spent $120,000 on each of my cousins education and $0 on mine, maybe just buy me an apartment, so i can rebuild my life. but no, that's not how it works"

 

[emma99]

Holy Shit WTF?

I just went to my dealers house to get a bag of weed so i could go CTB.
and his friend was there.

His friend offered me a place to live.

Holy Crap WTF?

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I'm glad! Maybe your friend can help you get on your feet again.

 

[Morte]

This was painful to read, what your family did to you was beyond horrible. They treat you as if you were a complete stranger to them.
You did explain what I think very well. Both childhood and adolescence are the part of life in which we are developing our brain, which is why it is the most sensitive phase of our life. Thats the phase when the foundation of who we are is formed.
Our adulthood is the result of the impressions we had in youth. If you had a really fucked up life back then, it's almost 100% guaranteed you'll be unhappy adult.

I had a relatively good childhood, but an adolescence marked only by bullying, family trauma and isolation. It is impossible for me to have any emotional connection with other people when my foundation was so unhealthy and precarious, I will never have a healthy relationship- as if I even have any possibility of having one. Like you said, if someone can't connect with others, they'r fucked - Just facts.

 

[emma99]

I'm just hanging in there by a string. Woke up with a bad hangover today from the binge i took Friday. and watched The Odd Couple (1968). I wanted to CTB as my mind was playing tricks on me.
.
After taking back out my kit, i discovered that i damaged 1 of the regulators. So i adjusted the kit to work off of two regulators and i was going to do it but people kept calling to the door.

so i went over to my friend as i needed them to stop dropping by as i could ctb without risk of discovery and so i called to the friend who sorted the place for me, and it was the new landlord looking for me, who was there when i called.

so i told him the few concerns i had about moving, which he reassured me was not an issue
and just came back and just cut up all the hoses on the kit.

I have an early morning now so they can move me, and so the window of opportunity is slipping.
I'm taking such a huge leap of faith with this move and i wont have the same access to ctb if i take the move.

but im doing it, i mean the best thing i let slip out of my mouth was that i was going to ctb.
because it was only for that slip that my dealer got onto his mate. and then i slipped it out again, and so now they want to move me as soon as possible.

I just need a break form homelessness, its such a crap load to bear. so i will take this next year slow.

christ im still withdrawing from codine for Christ sake,

 

[Themogger]

Goodluck